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Will You Forgive Me?
The other day I had breakfast with a dear Jewish friend. We were discussing the month of Elul, the month that includes the High Holidays, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. She told me about a time as a child when she told her father she couldn’t think of anyone she had harmed (which is part of Jewish practice at this time of year). Her father looked at her sternly and simply said, “You aren’t perfect. Think about it.”
In Judaism we must ask those we have harmed for forgiveness before we ask G-d to forgive us. Suddenly I realized that I also had given cursory thought to those I might have harmed—and no one initially came to mind. But at breakfast with my friend, family, friends, even Ricochet friends started to appear in my thoughts: a person I had corrected because I felt they’d done something inappropriate; another had done something foolish and I gave her a piece of my mind. The list went on. I realized I had my work cut out for me!
So I made it my mission to learn everything I could about forgiving: what was the precise time to do it, what were the correct steps, what was significant enough to ask for forgiveness. What if a person had done something that I believed was wrong! Then I wondered what would happen if a person refused to forgive me; if that person got angry at me for even asking. Finally I said to myself, “STOP!” I suddenly realized that all these mind games were just steps for avoiding the true meaning of forgiveness and simply taking action. I understood that fear and anxiety were driving my ruminations.
I remembered a situation about 25 years ago when I asked my mother for forgiveness. She wasn’t an easy woman, and I was a difficult daughter in my treatment of her. Then (and I don’t know if this was around Yom Kippur), I realized I had to let go of all my grievances toward my mother. She had done her best. I had held on to a dream of the perfect mother, which she simply couldn’t fulfill; no one could. It was time to acknowledge my hurtful behavior toward her over the years, acknowledge my love for her, and ask for her forgiveness.
I was terrified of taking this step. I decided to write my confession and appeal for forgiveness in a letter, so that she would not be caught off guard and she would have time to think about my request. I sent the letter and told her I would call her. Those three days were agonizing: I assumed that she would rage at me and refuse to forgive me. When I finally called her, she said, “Sue, it’s okay. I knew we’d work it out someday.” I was stunned, relieved and tearful as we talked about our thorny relationship. It was then that the healing began and love was renewed.
In recalling this story, I remembered that the meaning of forgiveness is teshuvah. Although it is sometimes translated as “forgiveness,” my Torah study partner reminded me that the word actually means “turning around,” or “turning toward.” When G-d knows that we are willing to own up to our unkind words and behavior, to make amends, ask for forgiveness and heal a relationship, we draw closer to G-d. Our spiteful actions separate us from others, and therefore separate us from G-d. When we can let go of our need to be right, to be superior, to be powerful, freedom and gratitude arise. And G-d can then forgive us.
The month of Elul encompasses much deeper meaning than I’ve expressed here; I am still a novice at learning the meaning, rituals and observance of these sacred Jewish holidays. Yet I continue to be incredibly blessed by those who support me on this journey. Hat tip to @frontseatcat for encouraging me to write more about this holy time of year.
Published in Religion & Philosophy
Beautiful Susan.
I used to go to a Catholic church because the pastor there, a Jesuit, gave the most wonderful, thought provoking sermons. He gave a great one on repentance and atonement: how the word repentance means “rethinking”, and suggested that we consider atonement as “at-one-ment” with God. Thus times of repentance should be times of great joy, not sorrow, because when we repent, or atone, we open ourselves to being at one with God. How then should we mourn or lament when we are getting closer to God?
Parent and child relationships can be so thorny – how lucky you were to have repaired your relationship with your mom while she was still there for you to enjoy one another!
Midget Faded Rattlesnake: In having fulfilled the role of the loving daughter, I figured I might, someday in the future, return to being the loving daughter, and that seems to have been happening. I will never again idolize my father as I did when I was a child, and before major disillusionment set in, but having paid my respects insincerely but thoroughly at first has left a door open that might have been shut otherwise.”
For the girl @susanquinn mentioned, it meant (remember, this was coming from her father) “If you can’t think of anyone you’ve harmed, think again.” Or, “You may be my little angel, but you’re not literally an angel.”
No, but being forgiven by those whom you have offended or worse may speed the process and may even tip the scales in your favor. But, as in much else in Judaism, there are specific checks and balances. If you are sincerely repentant and ask for forgiveness but are repeatedly rebuffed, the onus shifts to some extent (depending on circumstances) to the damaged party.
No. If we saw the full ramifications of our transgressions, we wouldn’t be tempted. Most of us are tempted by something our whole lives, so the training wheels, so to speak, are more or less attached for our whole lives.
The mystics tell us that the imperfections that scar aspects of the soul after the struggles of this life need to be healed. The more work you do on yourself while you’re still alive and able to exert your free will by carrying out G-d’s commandments, the less suffering it will take to heal the scars after you die and your opportunity to act in this world has ended.
As you may recall, I do not believe in perfection. It is a Greek notion, entirely at odds with the Torah and with reality.
A very insightful response, Chuck. I think you are spot on–in some ways it’s easier to “make things right” without owning up to our hurtful deed. Thank you.
Great questions, MJ. I think her father was saying that none of us is perfect. I don’t think we aspire to perfection in Judaism, but rather to be good and to serve G-d as best we can. Regarding being forgiven, there is the person whom we ask for forgiveness (and they don’t have to give it, obviously) and G-d’s forgiveness. If we apologize, make amends, and change for the better (stop doing the kinds of things that hurt others), I believe G-d forgives us. And we certainly don’t need to be “perfected”; G-d knows we are flawed as human beings, and wants us to do our best to be good people. Perfection isn’t the goal. (BTW, any Jews who wants to chime in, please do! I always like to remind people that I’m still learning.)
My thanks to you, Judithann and Midge for your supportive words. If Michael is referring to the title, I hope it’s clear that I wasn’t asking everyone on Ricochet to forgive me. In fact, he brings up an interesting point that I’m inspired to write on. Something like, is it appropriate and helpful to write about one’s own struggles on Ricochet? Obviously, for many reasons, I think it is. I’ll save my reasons for another time. But when people get a sense of what is coming up in an OP of mine, they can stop reading it. In fact, there are probably a lot of people who feel like Michael–dislike posts that are intimate, disclosing and open. Those folks know enough to figure out if my OP is personal one or not, and if they don’t want to read it, I understand.
Oh, EJ, you always make me smile.
I have seen it. And the same good wishes for the new year to you, mjwsatx.
I haven’t read Isaiah, so forgive my ignorance. But sacrifices ended with the destruction of the second temple. Orthodox Judaism waits for the Messiah, and then a new temple might be built. It’s unclear what else will follow. That is why following Jewish law and performing mitzvahs is so important, and as @iWe says, continuing G-d’s creation.
Love this. Thanks, Mole-eye.
Phew! At least in my response we’re in concert with each other, OTLC! Thank you for beautifully filling in the picture!
Thanks so very much, iWe. I did remember your comment on perfection! And I think it is a great relief to not have that be the focus of our lives. We are, after all, free to be as we choose. And hopefully that is “perfect” in the eyes of G-d.
It’s clearly self-defeating to pursue perfection, but it’s important to try to be as good as we can be. It can be a difficult balancing act.
You’re a good person, dammit. Own it.
It certainly can be difficult! I call myself a “recovering perfectionist,” because if I hold on to my perfectionistic tendencies, I not only beat up on myself, but I’m awful to others. So, “be as good as we can be” is good enough for me!
I take the opposite approach. Settling for mediocrity provides peace of mind that I’m not overdoing it.
Susan, thanks for your kind response. Like you admitted not having read Isaiah, I must admit knowing little about the second destruction of the temple. I will try to read up on that.
Here is the “money quote” from Isaiah 53:
“He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all. He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth; like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent, so he opened not his mouth. ”
Isaiah 53:3-7
Isaiah seems to be saying fairly clearly that the only way we can be made right with God is through the atonement or self-sacrifice of the one he describes. Count Isaiah be describing the messiah? Who else could it be?
From a Jewish standpoint, it’s not Jesus, since we don’t believe the Messiah has come. Thank you for your kind words, too!
For starters, the entire Isaiah section is written in the past tense.
Thank you for stepping in, iWe. There’s so much to learn!
Thanks iWe, I had not noticed the tense before. And yes I am all for learning.
Although I do not pretend to be an Old Testament or Hebrew scholar, I have poked around enough to discover that Biblical Hebrews doesn’t convey tense in the same way contemporary languages do, especially in terms of prophecy. Many prophecies foretelling of future events were written in a way that may convey “past-ness”, but only so because of the idea that if G-d has decreed it, it is as if the event has already occurred.
Beyond the academics of this argument, which I doubt we will settle, let us agree to join together in praying, “G-d, show me the Messiah wherever he is.”
Enjoyed the conversation Susan (past tense but with the hope of future expressions). I hope this is just the beginning of many such interchanges.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vY-4zWKsJM
Yes. G-d is the Lord of time.