Remember how everyone laughed at me when I proposed that we automate the spirit of civility on Ricochet?

One of my “bosses” suggested the problem might defy automation. He insinuated that it might require more “work” on my part. “Get out there and be a beat cop, Claire. Go smack ‘em down (politely) if you see anyone disgracing our honor with so much of a hint of an insulting or emotive comment.”

To which of course I said, “Don’t be absurd. We are American. Nothing defies our automation. We build better mousetraps. We build them bigger, better, faster and open longer. “Defies automation?” That’s what they used to say about flying.”

I put our dispute to you. Remember that? And you roundly (but very politely) shouted me down. I slinked away with my tail between my legs. Ah well, I thought.

So imagine how I felt when I came across this item: “Antisocial behavior online can make people’s lives miserable. So an algorithm that can spot trolls more quickly should be a boon, say the computer scientists who developed it.”

Today, Justin Cheng at Stanford University in California and a few pals say they have created just such a tool by analyzing the behavior of trolls on several well-known websites and creating an algorithm that can accurately spot them after as few as 10 posts. They say their technique should be of high practical importance to the people who maintain online communities.

Cheng and co study three online news communities: the general news site CNN.com, the political news site Breitbart.com, and the computer gaming site IGN.com. …

Interestingly, Cheng and co say that the differences between messages posted by people who are later banned and those who are not is so clear that it is relatively straightforward to spot them using a machine learning algorithm. “In fact, we only need to observe five to 10 user posts before a classifier is able to make a reliable prediction,” they boast.

That could turn out to be useful. Antisocial behavior is an increasingly severe problem that requires significant human input to detect and tackle. This process often means that antisocial users are allowed to operate for much longer than necessary. “Our methods can effectively identify antisocial users early in their community lives and alleviate some of this burden,” say Cheng and co.

My heart sank. First, yet again, I had the idea–I can  prove it!–but someone else had the follow-through.

Second, you know what that means, don’t you. I’m about to lose my job. To a machine.

There’s only one way out: I’ve got to persuade you that that dang machine ain’t ever going to be as good as my home cooking. And I should be able to, right? After all, you didn’t like the idea when I first suggested it, so why should you like it any more just because someone else has proven it can be done?

So I’ve switched sides. You were right in the first place. I am completely against this inhuman, soulless, job-killing algorithm. Ladies and gentlemen, our selling point on Ricochet is hand-made, all-natural, whole grain, farm-fresh, organic, artisanal, troll-busting–just like Mom used to do. No artificial flavors, no chemicals, and no algorithms. If you’re busted for trolling, you know a real human being was genuinely annoyed.

Real troll busting takes time. It’s imperfect, but that’s what makes it special, you see. Like April McGreger, a respected pickle- and preserve-maker based in Hillsborough, N.C., “I feel like wildness is one of our values. Supporting local agriculture. Preserving local land, that’s a big part of it.”

Ms. McGreger is my new role model:

“I’m judging and tasting, using all of my senses every day,” McGreger says. “I’m using a lot of experience and intuition. It’s something you learn and craft over time.” The Robot Coupe, she adds, will never process plums for her cardamom jam or figs for her preserves. “We never run fruit through it,” she says firmly. “Those shortcuts lead to a degradation of quality. Our goal is that every batch is the best batch we ever made.”

Here on Ricochet, we will never use a Robot Troll-Buster to enforce the standards of our cordial conversation. We will never run you through a machine: Those shortcuts lead to a degradation of quality. Our goal is that every conversation be the best conversation we’ve ever had.

So join today and use the coupon code APRIL for your discount!

Otherwise, I bet they’ll replace me with that machine. (And that would be really unfair, seeing as it was my dumb idea in the first place.)