Ricochet is the best place on the internet to discuss the issues of the day, either through commenting on posts or writing your own for our active and dynamic community in a fully moderated environment. In addition, the Ricochet Audio Network offers over 50 original podcasts with new episodes released every day.
What If You Found Out You Were Adopted?
On the Member Feed*, we’ve been discussing adoption and some of the ethical issues it raises. Member Parent A brings up an interesting question:
What if you found out you were adopted? What would you do? How would it change things?
Now, I’m not talking about finding out as a child or a teenager. I’m talking about discovering right now that you really were adopted and that the parents that raised you didn’t “make” you, they adopted you.
Personally, it wouldn’t mean a thing to me, and I wouldn’t change anything in my life as a result. I would not be even the least bit curious as to what really happened or why, nor would I seek out my “real” parents to meet them.
Now I’m 59 years old, so maybe being this age has something to do with it, or maybe I’m just the odd man out. What about you folks out there? Don’t go with your initial response, think about it first.
* Editor’s Note: Ricochet’s Member Feed is the source of some of our most interesting conversations, many of which — like this one — get promoted to the Main Feed. Not a member? Join the conversation.
Published in General
But wait … MT … I actually credit my parents for doing a decent job and believe me, they still enjoy reminding me of my good fortune!
I did not, however, have this conversation with Son #3, the quirky one. 10 years ago I had to take Son #1 to Roswell, NM, and I brought Son #3 with me for company. I told my sister I was afraid he’d arrive and say: These are my people. I’m staying.
She told me I should be more worried that people would say to him: Welcome back.
I have a close friend who found out he was adopted in his mid-forties. He got a call from his sister who he never knew he had. At first he thought it was a prank, but she had done her research and knew too much about him for him to completely ignore her. Then he confronted his mother who admitted he was adopted. After he got over his shock, he met his family (several other brothers and sisters). That was over ten years ago. Looking back, other than having a new group of relatives that he doesn’t communicate with much, his life wasn’t changed much by the new information.
I should add that I pray for my adopted son’s birth mother. We’ve never met or had any exchange. The only thing I know is that she was eighteen years old when she gave birth. She could have chosen abortion, but may God bless her to the end of time for not. Our son has blessed us beyond words.
D-N-A….D-N-A….D-N-A
The active experts in the field solve three-four adoption, abandonment and unknown fathers cases every week.
I’ve also stayed away from the adoption threads for the most part. People who are uninformed about adoption due to their particular life circumstances can unwittingly say incredibly hurtful things out of that ignorance. Sometimes adoptive parents say hurtful things and it does make me very concerned for their children. My children are my real children, I am their real mother and they seem to have excellent mental health. I believe that is partly due to our proactively protecting them from exposure to nosy people and ignorant comments. Fortunately adoption is quite common in our circles. I know I can’t protect them forever from our culture’s bias against adoption, but I hope by the time they come to fully understand it they will be so strong and sure of who they are that they can withstand it without it becoming a burden. For those who are Christian, a parting thought. If adoption were not a whole and complete and perfect solution, why would God use that language to describe his relationship with us as his children? We are full heirs.
I’ll make one more comment about gratitude. In my opinion the adopted child owes no more gratitude to the parent than the biological child. To think that one must (perhaps subconsciously) hold the belief that one person has more right to parents, or good parents, than another. I think all children are a gift and they all deserve great parents. I am grateful I get to open new layers of the gift every day. Thank you for the opportunity to express an opinion I have often privately considered.
One of the most important requirements of becoming fully human is the rational exercise of the will. That has very little to do with a person’s unchosen heritage, so I consider the latter of little importance, though knowing it may vaguely help one understand one’s (genetic) limitations.
The above is my rational, chosen assessment, but I’ll admit that, if I learned I was adopted, I might surprise myself. I believe the revelation likely would briefly be of some small importance; it would give me something to ponder for a while, as I fitted it into my assumptions about myself, but I would soon come around to the view described in the first paragraph.
I agree. I don’t expect any extra gratitude from my adopted son. When we first adopted him, I had people telling me how lucky he was. I responded by saying that I was the lucky one, not him.
I’ve known that I was adopted at birth since I was five. My parents never hid it from me, and frankly I’ve never really cared all that much. I don’t have any real desire to seek out my biological parents, and I can’t imagine a more loving family than the one that raised me. I suppose things might have been different if I spent some time growing up in a foster home before being adopted. Still, I’m very glad I wound up with the family I did.
Edit: In light of the discussion of psychological health, I suppose I should disclose that I’ve struggled with anxiety disorders and depression on and off since puberty. I suppose there’s a psychoanalyst out there who might want to link it to the fact that I’m adopted (especially since I’m very close with my father but have a rocky relationship with my mom – oh what Freud might make of that) but no therapist I’ve ever seen has suggested that as a root cause. My parents and family have been incredibly supportive of me, and if there’s any problem it’s that I feel a wee bit guilty for being a somewhat undeserving recipient of their sacrifices and largesse. That last bit probably has more to do with the fact that we’re Jewish, though.
Adopted children owe no more or less gratitude to their parents than biological children. Where I get upset is when the anti-adoption crowd claims that adopted children owe no gratitude to anyone.
My first thought upon imagining the hypothetical was a further respect for my (adoptive) parents.
I got a brother out of the deal (and later a sister-in-law, a niece, and a nephew), some first cousins I rather like, and two elderly aunts of whom I am extremely fond. Also many questions answered, if somewhat weirdly, and a very interesting take on the whole nature/nurture debate. (Are there genes for an attraction to history, psychology, sailing, and flying airplanes? Claire, ask if you’re interested.) It’s not the weepy-huggy thing you see on TV, but it has its charms.