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Shopping for Humanity at Food Lion
A patient of mine worked very hard, took a lot of risks, and started a business early in life that did extremely well. He still owns it but is much less involved in the day-to-day operations now. He pretty much retired in his mid-50s, and he now owns a home in the Caribbean, a home on a lake in a gated community near the mid-size city where his business is, and a very nice home here in Hilton Head. He splits his time between his three homes and travels around to play golf. He’s now in his late 60s and is a very happy and pleasant guy. I always enjoy seeing him. On our last visit, he told me an interesting story. He was at his home near his business, and went out for groceries:
I always go to the Whole Foods there. I like the stuff they have, and there’s always nice people in there. Anyway, they didn’t have something I wanted, so I went to the Food Lion across the street. Now again, in the Whole Foods, there were a lot of nice people, nice clothes, nice cars in the parking lot. Everybody’s wearing masks, social distancing – I felt really comfortable in there. But then I cross the street and park at Food Lion next to a bunch of beat up pickup trucks, everybody in there is fat, dirty, no teeth, no masks, and no social distancing. I was uncomfortable, and I couldn’t wait to get away from that store.
I got the couple things that I needed and hustled up to the line for the cash register. There was this short fat lady in front of me, checking out. Long stringy hair, no makeup, not a lot of teeth. She gives the checkout girl (who was even heavier than the lady in line) a debit card, then gets two twenties back as change, or a cash withdrawal or whatever. She gives one of the twenties back to the checkout girl, says something, and then leaves with all her stuff. I thought that was a little odd, but whatever. Get me out of here – I don’t care what’s going on in this place. None of my business.
So I give my items to the checkout girl, she scans them, and gives me a receipt plus about ten dollars in change. I told her, “I haven’t paid you yet. Why are you giving me change?”
The heavy checkout girl says, “The lady in front of me gave me $20 to go toward your groceries. You only got a couple things – this is your change.”
I said, “Oh wow. Look. I don’t need it. I have money. I’ll pay. Really.”
She replied, “No need. It’s covered.”
I said, “Why don’t you keep the $20? Get something you need. Again, I really don’t need it.”
The checkout girl smiled sheepishly and said, “Look, she said she worked a couple extra shifts and came out a bit ahead at the end of the month, so she wanted to help somebody out. She asked me to give this to you. So I am.”
“You should keep it.”
“I can’t. I told her I would give it to you.”
So my patient thanked her, took his small bag of groceries, and left the store, with tears in his eyes.
He and I just sat there in the exam room, for a minute. I didn’t say anything.
He said, “It’s so easy to judge people, you know? But there are some really good people out there. Which is easy to forget sometimes.”
The overweight customer at Food Lion had worked a couple of extra shifts and felt more financially comfortable at the end of the month. But she knew what it was like to be short on cash, so she was happy to help someone less fortunate than her. Many of her neighbors are ‘less fortunate.’ She’s been ‘less fortunate.’ Recently. She understands.
As we continue to distance ourselves physically and emotionally from our fellow Americans, and as our society becomes increasingly divided and tribal, it becomes more difficult to empathize with others who aren’t like us. After all, everyone we know is exactly like us.
All the things that divide our society – from social classes, to cell phones, to COVID, to social media, to politics, to anything else that divides us – all those things make empathy harder. It was hard already. It’s much harder now. And even though empathy is hard, that’s what makes us human.
We’re losing our humanity. My patient just had that shoved in his face at a crummy grocery store. Today, he felt the need to shove it in my face. Which I really do appreciate.
But many of us just carry on day to day, interacting virtually only with our ever-shrinking tribes, and scorning everyone else. Whatever. Forget them.
But when we forget them, we forget ourselves. We forget what makes us human to begin with. We forget empathy. After a while, we don’t really understand empathy. It doesn’t even make sense to us anymore. Everything is fine.
As we isolate ourselves from other people’s concerns, we also isolate ourselves from our own humanity. And we don’t even notice. It’s easier if we don’t, actually. Instacart and DoorDash are so handy. Plus, there’s a new series on Netflix! Yay!
We’re losing our humanity.
Well, many of us are. Not that certain overweight shopper that my patient met. Not her. Not only has she maintained her humanity, she even attempted to show his humanity to him. And he did the same to me. He’s probably shared with others as well. I’d say she got her money’s worth – she improved a lot of lives, for only $20. She would be pleased.
All of us humans should make it our mission in life to remind other humans that we are all human.
Empathy makes us human. And our humanity is inside all of us. Even if we ignore it from time to time. It’s still there.
But I think that ignoring our humanity is unnatural, and it makes us feel sad and empty. The isolation from social media, COVID, etc have caused epidemics of depression in our society. But you don’t need to spend thousands of dollars on psych drugs and therapy to find your humanity.
After all, my patient found his for only $20.
Published in General
Great post, Doc. The real America is still out there. These fellow RVers have run into it several times and make a point to tell about it. Here is their latest encounter with real America:
https://youtu.be/HkPuYa563N0
Thanks, Doc, for shoving this in my face. It really gave me something to think about in my self-imposed social isolation.
When I was in college I waited tables at the banquet hall for special events in addition to serving at a more modest restaurant frequented by blue-collar families – I typically worked the smoking section – which was the greater portion of the floor space. There were times that something would be wrong with the food – a hair or a foreign object of some kind in it or something messed up from the kitchen. More often than not, the blue-collar customers still tipped me well after my profuse apologies, even when they walked out over a bug on their plate. They would tell me it wasn’t my fault and knew I was there to make a living etc. The banquet hall set would typically stiff the wait staff. I certainly don’t fault anyone for being upset with adulterated food, but the kindness/generosity of the blue-collar customers always touched me. Isn’t this just a demonstration of empathy? – A feeling that is seemingly discouraged in present times as we segregate into our tribes.
That’s a good story – better than anything in the national news!
I have to say the first paragraph in quotations really rankled with me:
“Now again, in the Whole Foods, there were a lot of nice people, nice clothes, nice cars in the parking lot. Everybody’s wearing masks, social distancing – I felt really comfortable in there. But then I cross the street and park at Food Lion next to a bunch of beat up pickup trucks, everybody in there is fat, dirty, no teeth, no masks, and no social distancing. I was uncomfortable, and I couldn’t wait to get away from that store.”
In my mind I was calling BS on his description of the clientele’s at the 2 different establishments. I guarantee not everyone in WF was nice and well dressed, and not everyone in FL was fat and lacking teeth. So your patient was pigeonholed as a rich jerk.
I don’t live in Food Lion country, but they’re a client of mine. Out in our neck of the woods, we usually avoid the Whole Foods – which is closer – and instead shop at the local Fred Meyer (Kroger affiliate – also a client of mine). It has nothing to do with the clientele and everything to do with the fact that Whole Foods produce tends to be filthy (at least at our local one).
But as I read on, I found myself thinking: “Wait a minute. You do the same thing. You chuckle through the ‘People Of Walmart’ memes. You actually do the reverse with Whole Foods – seeing nothing but the snobs and hipsters wandering the aisles.” So your point was proven – spot on. I was looking down my nose at your patient and removing his humanity.
Well done. Thanks for the story. I was wrong.
I hate it when that happens!
We have friends who suffered a terrible loss. Their eight-year-old daughter died suddenly and unexpectedly of myocarditis after a stomach flu about fourteen years ago. In a subsequent conversation with the dad who was/is really struggling with God over the loss, he once said to me: “I give myself 15 minutes of self-pity every morning, and then I go out and try to make someone else’s day better.” That’s what that overweight woman and her twenty dollars did, too.
The only useful thing I ever learned in post-Vatican II catechism class was when a teacher said, “It’s not what happens to you in life that matters, it’s how you respond to it.” People can either become embittered by their struggles, or become compassionate toward others, knowing everyone struggles in some way.
I need to go lie down and think about that…
He most certainly is not a jerk. Quite the contrary. He’s a great person. I did not intend to portray him in a negative way. When he told his story, he was sheepish at his overly broad stereotypes, and emphasized that he was thankful to be reminded of our shared humanity.
I should have made that more clear. Sorry about that.
Many years ago, Dave Barry had a piece in his column regarding Organic produce. He said (paraphrase) you had a choice in buying produce: “You could either have your produce full of chemicals, or full of bugs.” That’s kinda how I look at it, and I usually go for the chemicals.
I would say that in the end your illustration drove the point home harder. So definitely nothing to be sorry for.
Correction: chemicals or manure and bugs. That’s why I never buy “organic” lettuce, sprouts or other items eaten raw, unpeeled. The problems with e-coli outbreaks (from manure) are almost universally in “organic” produce eaten raw.
Besides, science says it all better be stinkin’ organic (carbon-based), or none of us carbon-based lifeforms should be eating it. “Organic” is a California regulation placed on farmers — and we all know how reasonable and science-based California regulations are. Not!
I missed this on the Member Feed. One of your best IMO.
We are in Food Lion territory and shop there all the time. We know what we can’t get there and go elsewhere for that (pate, scallops, etc). The store is clean as a whistle with people who are actually friendly.
I’ve been a fan ever since Sixty Minutes (?) did a hit piece on them.
There’s always the flip side. I walked around the corner to a small grocery story. Picked up two items I needed and went to the checkout lane. The guy in line was obviously not doing well. Old boots coming apart. Heavy jacket and cap that had seen better days. He had a pack of hot dogs and a loaf of white bread. If I had offered to pay, he’d have told me to go fornicate myself. In my limited experience, black street people don’t like well-dressed old white guys. Store was run by Asians, but so what.
I casually dropped an $20.00 bill, or maybe it was a $10.00 on the floor between us. Don’t remember which. I waited a bit and then said, “Excuse me. Did you drop that?” I didn’t know anyone in his shape could move that fast. Not a word out of him. When he left, the checker frowned at me and said, “Should have kept that for yourself.”
Your story sort of balances things out for me.
I couldn’t find a People of Whole Foods site, but I found this.
https://www.thrillist.com/eat/nation/whole-foods-stereotypical-shoppers-the-26-people-you-see-at-whole-foods
I’ve often said, if you suffer car trouble on a rainy night, you’re far more likely to be helped out by someone with a Jesus Fish on their car than someone with a ‘COEXIST’ bumper sticker.
I took someone on a forum to task for their disdain of their fellow Americans in a similar manner and was pretty soundly jumped by all of their defenders. It seemed I had crossed a line in being cross.
I stand by it and would do it again.
See, I worked for 20 years pretty directly with the very poor. As best I could tell, they were just as human as I. Almost everyone is doing the best that they can. What seems contemptible to me are people with so much who cannot manage to practice gratitude for what they have. Isn’t it funny that so much of the hate in our society is directed by haves?
A few weeks ago my husband and I went through a drive through at a chik-fil-a, and the person in front of us paid for our food, which was a very nice surprise.
The cashier said something like “it’s the season” and smiled, but I felt a little like your guy. I think he’s done much better than I have, but I definitely don’t need a free lunch.
I said, “okay. Well, let me pay for the next car then.”
Now here is where I’m going to make a shameful admission from behind a computer screen which serves to hide me like the screen in front of the priest at reconciliation. My tab was something like $8.
Apparently the people in the minivan behind me had a family of twenty (!!!) because their ticket was my $8 multiplied by… uhhh… many.
And all of a sudden I felt resentful. All I wanted was a small box of chicken nuggets, and it was like I’d gotten lobster for lunch! Or some new airpods!
The cashier saw my hesitation. My face must have said it all. She said something like “You really aren’t obligated! The other people were just being nice.”
I put away the cash I’d brought for lunch and pulled out a credit card, but it wasn’t with the same selfless intent as the lady at Food Lion. It was to save face, I guess??? Pride is one of the deadly sins, I know, but my cheeks were surely burning. I think I sucked all the happy out of the poor teenager who took the piece of plastic from me as if I was handing her my rent money.
Anyway, I do not come out well in this “pay it forward” tale, though I’d actually fit well into Whole Foods, and I guess my smallness in that moment is my confessional point?
God reminds us all the time that we are human, and that’s often not a complement.
Thanks for your story of the nicer lady with the *truly* generous heart. :) I can learn from her, too. ;)
Lous Lane
A really interesting dilemma. Don’t put yourself down. Charity has to be voluntary, otherwise it’s not really charity. You just are regretting the decision you made at the time- a perfectly normal thing. You are exhibiting what’s great about humanity – caring about being ‘better’ whatever that is, but it’s still better.
My parents and immigrant grandparents had little farms with cows, pigs, chickens, and work horses. They fertilized their fields and orchards and gardens with manure to not spend money on fertilizer. Diet supplemented by hunting and fishing. Except for coffee, sugar, and the occasional orange or banana, they lived on “organic food,” but they just called it “food.”
Don’t feel bad over that. Don’t feel obligated to pay for someone else’s decisions. Someone pays for Yours say, “Thank You” and move on.
If those behind You find out and don’t appreciate it, then tell Them They should have left the house earlier and They would be in front if You.
Those feelings You have for not “paying it forward” or the same feelings that had everyone in masks the past two years.
Yes, I’m a gardener and have a great appreciation for the uses of manure. Nothing wrong with amending the soil with well-composted manure. But, apparently in the mass production of “organic” food, something can go wrong in the processing that doesn’t happen very often on a family farm.
I understand your dilemma completely. I was in to get tires on our car and noticed a young man in uniform getting some work done. Wanting to do something to ‘pay back’ his service I asked the guy at the counter what he was having done. It was a brake job so I said, “Several hundred dollars?” and he agreed. I said to put it on my bill. It turned out that the rotors had to be replaced so the bill soared. What to do? I thought about it and said I could do $500 toward the bill which met with a smile. And don’t tell him who paid either. So I was able to keep my charity within limits I could handle and keep the action pretty much between me and God, the outcome I was OK with. I’m not sure if this could apply at a drive in window or not but my point is really this; if it makes you too uncomfortable the main reason for giving has probably been lost. You’ve lost the opportunity to do something for another without thought of reward or approbation which is a shame.
I think that my problem at the drive-through was that the bill for the other lunch was not onerous to me. I mean, it definitely wasn’t someone’s brakes and rotors!!! Ha! You’re a very good person. You did not resent doing what you could do. I bet that young man was absolutely blown away, and it’s super cool you kept the gift anonymous.
The bottom line for me is it would have been easy for me to pay $8 for someone else. (I was paying it anyway!!!) The truth is that it was still easy per my resources to pay what I paid, but the amount was big enough to make me go… “Oi!”
Actually, my husband thinks the whole encounter would have been a great Carol Burnett skit.
God occasionally feels the need to poke through some of our human arrogance about being “good,” you see, and He has a wicked sense of humor. :) It’s like He sometimes says, “So you didn’t understand that parable about the widow’s mite, eh????”
Anyway, I can imagine the Big Guy tugging on His earlobe after that one… (Am I dating myself with that reference??????)
The same would apply to what happened to Doc’s guy at Food Lion. ;)
Absolutely. Sometimes they show these types of “pay it forward” stories on the news as if it some great thing. But if everyone is doing it, no one is really being helped out. While the lady at Food Lion was actually trying to help someone else out, these drive-thru stories really feel like people who don’t give any substantial money to charity wanting to feel good about themselves
Why does Whole Foods sell white bread but not white eggs?
My wife and I were walking through Whole Foods one day, and they had a table in front of the bakery section offering samples of “hemp donuts”. So we each tried one. Worst. Thing. I’ve ever put in my mouth! We found the nearest trash can and spit it out.
That was an amazing return on her $20 investment. I have never stepped into a Whole Foods or even a Food Lion for that matter. My fantastic wife lets me avoid grocery stores. I once worked in a fairly depressed neighborhood for a couple quick decades. There was a Bodega that was a short walk from there. The ethnic selection really opens the door to better cooking options. Goya Maria cookies are fantastic! Sorry for getting off topic. I haven’t had breakfast yet. The point is don’t pass up these sketchy places. For the most part the people and the food are great.
And they’d have the skills to make a difference.
My son-in-law who truly loves grocery shopping calls Whole Foods, Whole Wallet.
Nice…a feel-good story to start my day. Now all I have to do is keep the news channels turned off. Thanks, Doc.
RACIST!