You Might be Woke If…

 

You might be woke if: you call a guy a bigot because he doesn’t want to date a “girl” who has a penis.

You might be woke if: you think people are racists because of the color of their skin.

You might be woke if: you think transvestites should host children’s reading events but it’s “cultural appropriation” for a woman to wear hoop earrings.

You might be woke if: you believe the anti-fascists are the mobs of masked weapon-wielding thugs who beat up peaceful protestors because they don’t like what they’re saying.

You might be woke if: your preferred pronouns don’t start with the letters “h” or “s”.

You might be woke if: you have no problem with hundreds of violent progressive riots but think democracy almost ended when some conservatives decided to have one of their own.

You might be woke if: you think boys can have babies.

You might be woke if: you think the prefix “cis” isn’t redundant.

You might be woke if: you think that burning and rioting and looting is “peaceful protest,” but you need time with a coloring book and a therapy pet when your candidate loses an election.

You might be woke if: you’re just sure socialism can work but have never heard of the Gulag Archipelago.

You might be woke if: you’re convinced that ours is a racist country but have no knowledge at all of the demographics of violence in the United States.

You might be woke if: you’re convinced that capitalism is evil but you’ve never held a job and are attending a college that costs more than $60,000 per year.

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  1. Flicker Member
    Flicker
    @Flicker

    “You might be woke if you call a guy a bigot because he doesn’t want to date a “girl” who has a penis.”

    This is from 2014

     

    • #1
  2. Stina Member
    Stina
    @CM

    Auditioning to take over for Foxworthy?

    • #2
  3. Henry Racette Contributor
    Henry Racette
    @HenryRacette

    Stina (View Comment):

    Auditioning to take over for Foxworthy?

    You know, I really don’t care for the guy. He’s too juvenile for me. But I’m happy to borrow his trope.

    • #3
  4. Hoyacon Member
    Hoyacon
    @Hoyacon

    Henry Racette (View Comment):

    Stina (View Comment):

    Auditioning to take over for Foxworthy?

    You know, I really don’t care for the guy. He’s too juvenile for me. But I’m happy to borrow his trope.

    It works.

    But you can’t mix the tropes unfortunately.  You might be woke if you have a transmission in your bathtub just doesn’t cut it.

    • #4
  5. kedavis Member
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    Hoyacon (View Comment):

    Henry Racette (View Comment):

    Stina (View Comment):

    Auditioning to take over for Foxworthy?

    You know, I really don’t care for the guy. He’s too juvenile for me. But I’m happy to borrow his trope.

    It works.

    But you can’t mix the tropes unfortunately. You might be woke if you have a transmission in your bathtub just doesn’t cut it.

    But a trans-something else might work.

    • #5
  6. Django Member
    Django
    @Django

    • #6
  7. Clifford A. Brown Contributor
    Clifford A. Brown
    @CliffordBrown

    Django (View Comment):

    We have always had parlor pinks.

    • BAILOR LAUGHS OFF PARLOR PINK BRAND; Mrs. Huntington Says That is Price One Must Pay for Aiding Browder PARRIES SOCIAL QUESTIONS Her Sister Is Wife of Robert Minor, a Leader in Councils of Communist Party, New York Times, Oct. 25, 1939.
    • “Mirrors of Washington”, The Wall Street Journal, September 26, 1924 described supporters of the Progressive politician Robert La Follette as “visionaries, ne’er do wells, parlor pinks, reds, hyphenates [Americans with divided allegiance], soft handed agriculturalists and working men who have never seen a shovel.”
    • #7
  8. kedavis Member
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    Clifford A. Brown (View Comment):

    Django (View Comment):

    We have always had parlor pinks.

    • BAILOR LAUGHS OFF PARLOR PINK BRAND; Mrs. Huntington Says That is Price One Must Pay for Aiding Browder PARRIES SOCIAL QUESTIONS Her Sister Is Wife of Robert Minor, a Leader in Councils of Communist Party, New York Times, Oct. 25, 1939.
    • “Mirrors of Washington”, The Wall Street Journal, September 26, 1924 described supporters of the Progressive politician Robert La Follette as “visionaries, ne’er do wells, parlor pinks, reds, hyphenates [Americans with divided allegiance], soft handed agriculturalists and working men who have never seen a shovel.”

     

    Rob Long’s new place has a parlor.

    Coincidence?

    • #8
  9. Stina Member
    Stina
    @CM

    Henry Racette (View Comment):

    Stina (View Comment):

    Auditioning to take over for Foxworthy?

    You know, I really don’t care for the guy. He’s too juvenile for me. But I’m happy to borrow his trope.

    Maybe because I grew up just outside the Ocala National Forest, I find the “You might be a redneck” series quite accurate and incredibly funny. More importantly, so do the rednecks.

    I think humor that pokes fun at people that gets the target laughing at themselves, too, is pretty good humor.

    • #9
  10. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Flicker (View Comment):

    “You might be woke if you call a guy a bigot because he doesn’t want to date a “girl” who has a penis.”

    This is from 2014

    And where we are today is supposed to be “progress.” In seven short years we’ve become humorless, angry, demanding and punitive. Great example, @flicker.

     

     

    • #10
  11. Bishop Wash Member
    Bishop Wash
    @BishopWash

    Henry Racette: You might be woke if: you call a guy a bigot because he doesn’t want to date a “girl” who has a penis.

    I saw a Twitter thread were a guy joked that he’s going to start telling every woman he meets that the transition is going well and she looks great. If she complains that she’s a real woman he’s going to call her a transphobe.

    • #11
  12. Henry Racette Contributor
    Henry Racette
    @HenryRacette

    Dear Editors,

    I think the colons were a good addition. Thank you.

    H.

    • #12
  13. Caryn Thatcher
    Caryn
    @Caryn

    kedavis (View Comment):

    Clifford A. Brown (View Comment):

    Django (View Comment):

    We have always had parlor pinks.

    • BAILOR LAUGHS OFF PARLOR PINK BRAND; Mrs. Huntington Says That is Price One Must Pay for Aiding Browder PARRIES SOCIAL QUESTIONS Her Sister Is Wife of Robert Minor, a Leader in Councils of Communist Party, New York Times, Oct. 25, 1939.
    • “Mirrors of Washington”, The Wall Street Journal, September 26, 1924 described supporters of the Progressive politician Robert La Follette as “visionaries, ne’er do wells, parlor pinks, reds, hyphenates [Americans with divided allegiance], soft handed agriculturalists and working men who have never seen a shovel.”

     

    Rob Long’s new place has a parlor.

    Coincidence?

    My place does, too, but nothing pink.  Well, my sweater, but it’s really more fuchsia than Commie-pink.  Ugly color, the latter.

    • #13
  14. kedavis Member
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    Bishop Wash (View Comment):

    Henry Racette: You might be woke if: you call a guy a bigot because he doesn’t want to date a “girl” who has a penis.

    I saw a Twitter thread were a guy joked that he’s going to start telling every woman he meets that the transition is going well and she looks great. If she complains that she’s a real woman he’s going to call her a transphobe.

    Brilliant!

    But would be most effective if used on the “woke,” the rest don’t need it.

    • #14
  15. CarolJoy, Not So Easy To Kill Coolidge
    CarolJoy, Not So Easy To Kill
    @CarolJoy

    Really enjoying this. Made my morning go smoothly.

    One addition:

    Possibly anyone who has ever lived in a  leafy suburb of Woke-ness understands it: “You might be woke if you drove your bike and those of your friends in your brand new SUV into my neighborhood,  and then spent more time harassing local drivers about their lack of environmental concern  than you did biking.”

    • #15
  16. Hoyacon Member
    Hoyacon
    @Hoyacon

    OK.  Silly time of night–trying out my new single malt.

    Foxworthy:  You might be a redneck if you read the Auto Trader with a yellow highlight pen.

    Wokeworthy:  You might be woke if you read the NYT with a blue highlight pen.

    • #16