Your Required Weekend Reading: The Presidential Knife Fight
Ok, so you've had a long week of presidential politics. You've been so thoroughly saturated with convention coverage that you'll likely fire a handgun at your television the next time you see David Gergen's face (don't fight this instinct...it's what separates us from the animals). And now it's Labor Day weekend, college football is coming back, and the last thing you want to do is think for even a second about the American presidency. Hold that thought. You need to read this first.
Over at Face in the Blue, Geoff Micks has compiled an essay as epic as its title: "In a Mass Knife Fight to the Death Between Every American President, Who Would Win and Why?" And yes, he's breaking down all 43 competitors for you. A few of my favorites:
4) James Madison. He’s just too short. I’m sorry: You need reach in a knife fight. The bravado of the philosophy behind Manifest Destiny only gets you so far. He’ll die early, and his small corpse will be one of the least important tripping hazards as the battle wears on.
27) William Howard Taft. What did that man look like in his prime? I suspect even at his most physically fit he could go toe to toe with the stereotypical 21st Century Wal-Mart patron. I just don’t think he was ever healthy enough to make a good showing in this arena. Dead early, and his corpse might well be used as a low wall or some sort of artificial hill to lend advantage to his conquerors.
28) Woodrow Wilson. A brilliant mind and a delicate physique. Dead very early. If Teddy Roosevelt in his prime knew that Wilson would be president after him, I suspect Wilson would be a hunted man early in the fight.
39) Jimmy Carter and a knife fight is a comical thought to me. Among the first dead would be my suspicion.
Read it all. Now. You can thank me later.
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Re: Your Required Weekend Reading: The Presidential Knife Fight
Awesome. That is all.
Jul '10
Re: Your Required Weekend Reading: The Presidential Knife Fight
I don't know. William Henry Harrison had an illustrious combat record from an early age. I think I would place a bet on him to show; make it into the top ten, maybe into the final three. Jackson: tough but also accident prone. Could trip on knife and self-eviscerate. Difficult to estimate form.
Jul '11
Re: Your Required Weekend Reading: The Presidential Knife Fight
You really don't want me of all people to comment on this one Troy. Suffice to say that I love it.
Jul '10
Re: Your Required Weekend Reading: The Presidential Knife Fight
Lincoln also formidable physically; splitting rails makes for quite a physique. While President he could still hold an axe horizontally extended, just his fingertips holding the haft, until he got bored. Try it sometime. Eisenhower and Ford were also top athletes in their prime; psychological mindset difficult to judge. Would not recommend them to the casual bettor.
Aug '12
Re: Your Required Weekend Reading: The Presidential Knife Fight
This is a vile -if good natured -libel of many presidents who might have only made good had politics really been a knife fight. Especially once you throw in negotiations and alliances. Oh sure, Teddy and Wilson might have tried to get Taft, but you better believe Taft would have every president from Harding to Reagan banding together to defend him. And anyway Taft was big -not fat. Heavyweigh wrestling champion at Yale and an outdoorsman during his time as Governor-General of the Phillipines. And Garfield was shot in the back, didn't realize it, and it took his doctors more than two months to kill him with their antiseptic prodding and poking.
I will give him Teddy and Jackson as the top two -only because death itself is afraid of those two. It only took either of them because they were lonely and wanted to see their departed loved ones (son and wife respectively). Lincoln -maybe. I've always been under the impression that Lincoln's choice of broadswords for a duel was a bluff.
And William Harrison is one of the fiew who might have ever been in a knife fight, at either Thames or Tippecannoe.
Oct '11
Re: Your Required Weekend Reading: The Presidential Knife Fight
Awesome. I like the commentary on Obama.
"He’d probably try to negotiate an end to hostilities, and while seeking a middle ground some loon would get the better of him."
I could see him standing in the center of the melee with his arms raised yelling like Kevin Bacon at the end of Animal House: "Remain calm. All is well!"
I would probably have to give it to TR, also Ike could be a force to be reckoned with.
Mar '11
Re: Your Required Weekend Reading: The Presidential Knife Fight
I came up with the same top three as Mr. Micks did, with a possible breakthrough by Washington. You just can't count George out – he was very strong. One time some of his men were tossing around an iron bar, the Frisbee not having been invented yet. One of them asked George if he wanted to have a go, and when he had, he told them that if any of them could beat his distance, he'd go again. None of them could.
Nov '11
Re: Your Required Weekend Reading: The Presidential Knife Fight
Loved it, but Obama would "try to negotiate an end to hostilities" and would seek "a middle ground?" Really? I'm pretty sure that since they all had knives he'd find a way to bring a gun.
May '11
Re: Your Required Weekend Reading: The Presidential Knife Fight
George Washington. There has never been an American president more admired during his lifetime as an athlete, horseman and warrior. He was considered a giant among men in every way you measure greatness.
Nov '10
Re: Your Required Weekend Reading: The Presidential Knife Fight
Erm....a knife fight? Must be a man thing. It's a clever idea, I guess, but I must admit.... my nose was scrunched up the entire time I read it. Vive la difference!
*wanders off clutching pearls*
Jul '11
Re: Your Required Weekend Reading: The Presidential Knife Fight
OK, I'll say it. Obama the one term: killed while bowing, early and if possible, often.
Edited on September 1, 2012 at 4:02amRe: Your Required Weekend Reading: The Presidential Knife Fight
Great idea, but bad execution. Monroe, Harrison and Garfield are seriously underestimated; all were hardcore fighters, especially Harrison. Ford was the best athlete of the bunch. Some of the little guys -- Polk, Truman, TR, Eisenhower -- were real scrappers, but it wouldn't be enough in a knife fight. Personally, I think it comes down to Jackson (the toughest), Lincoln, (longest reach and very strong); and Washington. As already noted, Washington was immensely strong (he also entertained guests by straightening horseshoes), utterly fearless (Braddock's retreat, Long Island, Monmouth) and a physical giant.
It would be close, but my money's on the Father of our Country.
Jun '10
Re: Your Required Weekend Reading: The Presidential Knife Fight
I think Lyndon Johnson might get further in the top 10 than just on prowess.
I knew a guy a long time ago who invented a board game which the big companies loved but didn't think they would be able to get the public to buy. It was called "Screw Your Buddy". It required making alliances early on to progress and then finding the perfect moment to turn on your partners when they were vulnerable and destroy them. I guess sort of pre-"Survivor."
Supposedly Johnson's files on the members of Congress had more dirt than the FBI's. He seems a consummate cheater. But TR might not fall for any BS he would try to sling, and LBJ would have to depend on simple viciousness.
Jun '10
Re: Your Required Weekend Reading: The Presidential Knife Fight
Read Destiny of the Republic and you'll learn that Garfield could take a hit. After being shot by a crazy man, he lived for several months in agony while being treated by some truly incompetent doctors (I like to think this was an early indication of how socialized medicine would work). Given what he went through, he'd take several serious wounds and still be doing some damage. Clearly Top Ten.
In a knife fight, I think I'd have to go with Jackson, but Michael Malone makes a solid case for George Washington. Any weapons but a knife and I'd pick George.
May '10
Re: Your Required Weekend Reading: The Presidential Knife Fight
And he killed all those vampires, so...
May '10
Re: Your Required Weekend Reading: The Presidential Knife Fight
And don't forget Clinton. He's a survivor... they don't call him Slick Willy for nothing.
Jul '11
Re: Your Required Weekend Reading: The Presidential Knife Fight
Killed while copulating and high.
Jul '10
Re: Your Required Weekend Reading: The Presidential Knife Fight
I agree with the comments here on William Henry Harrison. He is going to last and might be one of the few given grudging respect by Jackson, who will be taken out by anyone able to keep their cool under his withering, Larry Bird-like trash talk. Washington, Lincoln, T. R., Bush Sr. are all candidates for that honor. Ford will be able to evade, if not deliver a lot of death blows, so he has potential in a battle of endurance. He, Lincoln and T. R. probably have the most strength left for the fight as it enters the later stages. They say be careful about the "quiet ones." Advantage: Coolidge. You never know.
Thanks for the fun post, Troy.
Nov '10
Re: Your Required Weekend Reading: The Presidential Knife Fight
Don't underestimate Dubya. He's in incredible shape, has a scrappy personality, and has probably been in a few pub brawls in his time, which is probably better training for this sort of fracas than military experience.
That said, I still can't really argue with the author that it'll come down to TR vs. Jackson in the end.
But I think the one thing everyone who reads that post can agree on: A Romney victory in November will not change the outcome one bit.
Apr '12
Re: Your Required Weekend Reading: The Presidential Knife Fight
I'm no historian myself, but it seems that some of these men were mischaracterized by a margin of popular myth. Sure SNL had Ford a falling down fool though he was an Eagle Scout and a respectable football player. But I agree with Michael S. Malone for the most part.
Nixon might do well by pitting top contenders against each other and hiding under corpses.
Obama would probably be the first to go after pitching an insulting line of bs.