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Understanding Lawyer Jokes
Lawyer jokes. They are very common. They are hardly the only jokes by profession. There are jokes for every sort of musician and singer, for instance.
Q. What does a violinist use for birth control?
A. His personality.Q. How can you tell the stage is level?
A. The bass player drools out of both sides of his mouth.
So, why are lawyer jokes so popular? Is it because there is some grain of truth to them? Is it because lawyers promulgate them? Is it because everyone has experience of lawyers at some point in their lives?
Lastly, do you have any good lawyer jokes?
Special thanks to @garyrobbins for the inspiration to write this.
Edit: Look through before posting. The joke about the young lawyer arriving at the Pearly Gates and being told they thought he was older based on billable hours has been told…and told…and told…
Published in Group Writing
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.
Yep. I suppose we could go into dead baby jokes. Or not.
i don’t have a huge problem with lawyer jokes, per se, only ones that involve dead lawyers.
Exactly.
167 in the House and 55 in the Senate, as far as the federal system goes.
So, back to the live lawyer (and other profession) jokes…
That reminds of a very non-coc compliant joke, the punchline to which is “If three shots didn’t get the taste out of my mouth, another one won’t help”.
One source of shame for me is that Nixon and Clinton were both lawyers.
But Reagan’s degree was in economics. Of course, there are no jokes about economists.
From “Yes Minister”:
Sir Humphrey can’t really help you understand economics; he read classics at Oxford.
What about the finance secretary?
He would be even worse: he read economics.
The reason the jokes work as lawyer jokes but not as ethnic ones is that a) You choose to be a lawyer, and b) Nobody feels sorry for lawyers because they’re seen as making so much money. This is also the reason for blonde jokes and model jokes. Nobody feels sorry for them, and while some people are born as blondes, for many it’s a choice too.
Rush had a different view about lawyers after he was charged with a crime. His criminal defense attorney did an exceptional job,
People usually come to lawyers when they are facing a problem that they can’t solve on their own.
They lawyers are even worse than I feared.
You must be a real hoot at parties.
THe most important was the General.
Rush’s whole family are lawyers. Amy is also a lawyer.
Relax and tell jokes, folks.
Who was also a farmer and distiller.
I had to go looking, but this was my favorite…
George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. Clearly the two greatest Presidents.
Yep.
I also have done my two colonoscopies.
Oh?…
This same joke is also told of statisticians and actuaries — still, it’s an oldie but goodie.
A guy was walking along a quiet, deserted beach when he saw something under the sand. Checking it out, he found – surprise – that it was an old brass lamp. Brushing the dirt away disturbed a genie, but not just any genie. This was the patron genie of lawyers. The genie said he was obligated to grant the man’s three wishes, but somewhere one or more lawyers would receive twice as much.
The guy wishes for $20M in his bank account, and the genie says, “Granted. But, one or more lawyers now has $40M deposited to his account.” The guy next wishes for a Ferrari and it appears immediately, but the genie reminds him that one or more lawyers now have two Ferraris sitting in their driveways.
Then, the genie asks for the third wish, and the guy says, “You know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.”
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.
Speaking of actuaries,
An actuary dies in his sins (which, though many, are unfortunately rather boring) and ends up in Hell. Satan tortures the actuary by immersing half the actuary’s body in boiling pitch, and encasing the other half in ice. Expecting some sadistic pleasure, Satan asks, “How does it feel?”
“Not so bad. On average, I’m comfortable.”
My Dad’s a doctor. He is the one who told me the Doctor Joke.
If you took all the economists in the nation and lined them up end-to-end from Chicago to Detroit no two would point the same way.