Understanding Lawyer Jokes

 

Lawyer jokes. They are very common. They are hardly the only jokes by profession. There are jokes for every sort of musician and singer, for instance.

Q. What does a violinist use for birth control?
A. His personality.

Q. How can you tell the stage is level?
A. The bass player drools out of both sides of his mouth.

So, why are lawyer jokes so popular? Is it because there is some grain of truth to them? Is it because lawyers promulgate them? Is it because everyone has experience of lawyers at some point in their lives?

Lastly, do you have any good lawyer jokes?

Special thanks to @garyrobbins for the inspiration to write this.

Edit: Look through before posting. The joke about the young lawyer arriving at the Pearly Gates and being told they thought he was older based on billable hours has been told…and told…and told…

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  1. Hoyacon Member
    Hoyacon
    @Hoyacon

    Metaphysically speaking, why are there more lawyer jokes than jokes about used car salesmen?

    Don’t answer that.

    • #1
  2. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    @amyschley, @michaelhenry, @cliffordbrown

     

    • #2
  3. Hoyacon Member
    Hoyacon
    @Hoyacon

    A new client arrived to see a famous lawyer. “Can you tell me how much you charge?”, said the client.

    “Of course”, the lawyer replied, “I charge $200 to answer three questions!”

    “Well that’s a bit steep, isn’t it?”

    “Yes it is”, said the lawyer, “And what’s your third question?”

    • #3
  4. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Ricochet has a lot of lawyers. Call them into the thread.

    Edited. I obviously have no idea where I am anymore.

    • #4
  5. Henry Racette Member
    Henry Racette
    @HenryRacette

    You understand that you cannot go to heaven now, right?

    • #5
  6. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Henry Racette (View Comment):

    You understand that you cannot go to heaven now, right?

    Heaven is a state of mind, Henry, and I am usually there.

    • #6
  7. Nick H Coolidge
    Nick H
    @NickH

    There’s the oldies but goodies:

    What do you call a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

    A good start.

    and

    What’s the difference between a dead squirrel in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

    There are skid marks in front of the squirrel.

    plus my favorite

    Scientists have started using lawyers instead of lab rats in their experiments because the lab assistants are less likely to become emotionally attached, the lawyers breed faster, PETA doesn’t protest, and there are just some things even rats won’t do.

    • #7
  8. Bryan G. Stephens Thatcher
    Bryan G. Stephens
    @BryanGStephens

    How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to to really want to change. 

    • #8
  9. Miffed White Male Member
    Miffed White Male
    @MiffedWhiteMale

    How can you tell if your accountant is an extrovert?

    He looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you, instead of his own.

    • #9
  10. Gary Robbins Member
    Gary Robbins
    @GaryRobbins

    Lawyer jokes can be funny, but not if they call for killing a class of people.

    What do you call a man in a three piece suit in 118 degrees?

    A lawyer.

    • #10
  11. Franco Member
    Franco
    @Franco

    Why is the singer standing on the porch in the rain?

    She can’t find the key and she doesn’t know when to come in.

    • #11
  12. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    @patrickb63 is another lawyer. I know I am missing so many of them.

    • #12
  13. Gary Robbins Member
    Gary Robbins
    @GaryRobbins

    Nick H (View Comment):

    There’s the oldies but goodies:

    What do you call a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

    A good start.

    and

    What’s the difference between a dead squirrel in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

    There are skid marks in front of the squirrel.

    plus my favorite

    Scientists have started using lawyers instead of lab rats in their experiments because the lab assistants are less likely to become emotionally attached, the lawyers breed faster, PETA doesn’t protest, and there are just some things even rats won’t do.

    Try substituting “Jews,” “blacks,” “gays,” or your ethnic background into those “jokes” and see if they are still so funny.

    • #13
  14. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Franco (View Comment):

    Why is the singer standing on the porch in the rain?

    She can’t find the key and she doesn’t know when to come in.

    How do you get a musician off your porch?

    Pay him for the pizza.

    • #14
  15. Franco Member
    Franco
    @Franco

    Why did New York get all the lawyers and New Jersey got the toxic waste dumps?

    New Jersey had the first choice.

    • #15
  16. Gary Robbins Member
    Gary Robbins
    @GaryRobbins

    Bryan G. Stephens (View Comment):

    How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to to really want to change.

    A funny joke, but it doesn’t extend to dead therapists.

    • #16
  17. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    It was so cold the other day, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

    • #17
  18. Gary Robbins Member
    Gary Robbins
    @GaryRobbins

    Miffed White Male (View Comment):

    How can you tell if your accountant is an extrovert?

    He looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you, instead of his own.

    A funny joke but it does not include dead accountants.

    • #18
  19. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Gary Robbins (View Comment):
    A funny joke but it does not include dead accountants.

    So, give us more live lawyer jokes.

    • #19
  20. Amy Schley Coolidge
    Amy Schley
    @AmySchley

     The Grim Reaper comes for a lawyer. “No! It can’t be my time! I’m only 30!”

    “Huh. According to your billed hours, we thought you were 100.”

    • #20
  21. Mike-K Member
    Mike-K
    @

    The thread seems to be deteriorating. I was about to post a doctor joke but I guess I won;t.

    • #21
  22. Miffed White Male Member
    Miffed White Male
    @MiffedWhiteMale

    Arahant (View Comment):

    Franco (View Comment):

    Why is the singer standing on the porch in the rain?

    She can’t find the key and she doesn’t know when to come in.

    How do you get a musician off your porch?

    Pay him for the pizza.

    Q:  What do you call a drummer that just broke up with his girlfriend?

    A:  Homeless.

     

     

    A young child returned from his first music lesson on the tuba. 
    “How did it go?” asked his father.
    “Great,” said the child. “I learned how to play a ‘C’.”
    The next week the child took another lesson and his father asked about the lesson.
    “Terrific,” said the child. “I learned how to play a ‘G’.”
    The following week the child didn’t come home. The father was frantic with
    worry when the child didn’t come home until 2:00 AM.
    “Where in heck have you been ,” shouted the father.
    “I had a gig!!” answered the son.

    • #22
  23. Bryan G. Stephens Thatcher
    Bryan G. Stephens
    @BryanGStephens

    What is the difference between God and a Doctor?

    God knows he is not a Doctor.

     

    • #23
  24. Amy Schley Coolidge
    Amy Schley
    @AmySchley

    A lawyer is hit in a car accident, ripping the driver’s side door off. He gets out and starts yelling at the other driver, “How could you ruin my BMW?!”

    The other driver replies, “You lawyers are so materialistic! You didn’t even notice your arm has been ripped off!”

    The lawyer looks down and screams in horror. “My Rolex!”

    • #24
  25. Miffed White Male Member
    Miffed White Male
    @MiffedWhiteMale

    Gary Robbins (View Comment):

    Miffed White Male (View Comment):

    How can you tell if your accountant is an extrovert?

    He looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you, instead of his own.

    A funny joke but it does not include dead accountants.

    Huh?

     

    • #25
  26. Bryan G. Stephens Thatcher
    Bryan G. Stephens
    @BryanGStephens

    Gary Robbins (View Comment):

    Miffed White Male (View Comment):

    How can you tell if your accountant is an extrovert?

    He looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you, instead of his own.

    A funny joke but it does not include dead accountants.

    Lighten up, Francis. Unlike race or sex or where you are born, people choose to become lawyers, so the two are not remotely the same. 

    I have never seen a lawyer take so much offense at a lawyer joke in my life. Thicken up your skin man. You just look peevish. 

     

    • #26
  27. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Mike-K (View Comment):

    The thread seems to be deteriorating. I was about to post a doctor joke but I guess I won;t.

    Nah, go ahead.

    • #27
  28. Gary Robbins Member
    Gary Robbins
    @GaryRobbins

    Franco (View Comment):

    Why did New York get all the lawyers and New Jersey got the toxic waste dumps?

    New Jersey had the first choice.

    When Arizona became a State, the three largest counties each wanted to have the statewide public facilities, so they drew straws.  Pinal County won, so they choose to have the State Prison located there.  Maricopa County (Phoenix, etc.) came in second, and they choose the Insane Asylum.  Pima County (Tucson) took the remaining state wide facility, the University of Arizona.

    • #28
  29. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Miffed White Male (View Comment):
    Huh?

    The inspiration for this thread was that Gary was less than enthusiastic about lawyer jokes that include lots of dead lawyers.

    • #29
  30. Amy Schley Coolidge
    Amy Schley
    @AmySchley

    Four surgeons are talking about the best kind of patient. 

    1: I like librarians best. You open then up and everything is in alphabetical order. 

    2: I like accountants best.  You open them up and everything is in numerical order. 

    3: I like engineers best. If you have a few leftover parts after you put everything back together, they don’t mind. 

    4: I like lawyers the best.

    The others turn and stare. 

    4: They’re brainless, heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their rear are interchangeable. 

    • #30
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