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Understanding Lawyer Jokes
Lawyer jokes. They are very common. They are hardly the only jokes by profession. There are jokes for every sort of musician and singer, for instance.
Q. What does a violinist use for birth control?
A. His personality.Q. How can you tell the stage is level?
A. The bass player drools out of both sides of his mouth.
So, why are lawyer jokes so popular? Is it because there is some grain of truth to them? Is it because lawyers promulgate them? Is it because everyone has experience of lawyers at some point in their lives?
Lastly, do you have any good lawyer jokes?
Special thanks to @garyrobbins for the inspiration to write this.
Edit: Look through before posting. The joke about the young lawyer arriving at the Pearly Gates and being told they thought he was older based on billable hours has been told…and told…and told…
Published in Group Writing
I’m with you when it comes to IT peoples’ attitudes toward users. I’ve observed that much of the IT community thinks “dumb user” is redundant. Rather than users’ challenges being an invitation for us to do better, their “stupidity” becomes our excuse for serving them poorly. Dumb user jokes don’t bother me per se, but IT people seem to have built a culture around the notion that users are dumb. Anything that propagates that meme is problematic.
That’s not being a killjoy, that’s good business sense. You don’t want to instill that attitude about the people paying you money.
I don’t think it’s specific to IT. Anywhere you’ve got someone backing up an end user, you’re going to have stories about how stupid those end users are.
True, but if plumbers think we’re idiots because we put grease down our sink drains it doesn’t really matter. They’re not going to install my toilet differently because they think I’m stupid.
IT people design systems for users. Those systems are often poorly designed and/or implemented, which results in problems for users. Unfortunately, IT people are predisposed to blame the users for these problems rather than themselves. They conclude it’s a waste of time to anticipate and avoid user issues because nothing is foolproof to a big enough fool. It makes them demonstrably worse at their jobs.
Sure. I haven’t been in that position in a situation where it actually mattered, although I can understand where the impulse comes from.
IT people design systems for IT people.
You can tell by the lengths they go to to keep other IT people from screwing up their work.
I make the problem sound worse than it is, but trust me when I say it’s a genuine problem. Here’s an example.
I was out to lunch with a small group of IT types, including a former coworker who’s now a freelance DB admin. The subject of requirements gathering comes up. This DB admin tells of a recent situation in which he designed a database for a small business customer. One of the database fields was an integer, and there was a requirement under some circumstances to divide another numeric field by this integer field. The “professional” DB admin didn’t bother to ask if the integer field value could be zero. Well, it turns out that it could, and it was, and the DB blew up resulting in downtime for his customer and an emergency service call for him.
Was that a perfectly understandable and excusable mistake on the DB admin’s part? Absolutely, but he didn’t see it as his mistake. He blamed the customer for not telling him it could be zero. He didn’t learn anything from the experience. It was just another stupid user story to him.
It’s a great show, and makes more sense if you watched Breaking Bad. I just wish I hadn’t seen Odenkirk on one of those grim and earnest celebrity “If you vote for Trump, you’re an inbred” videos.
That’s your own fault for watching those videos.
Sure. Of course, I don’t think I would assume that a field couldn’t be zero, but I can’t know that for sure.
I didn’t watch it on purpose! It assaulted my eyes.
Michael Avenatti.
Accountant: A person who blends into an empty room. (The wonderful Mrs. Tabby is a retired accountant.)
We know it’s raining before the rest of you do (I first heard that from Christian evangelist Greg Laurie).
There’s nothing in this world funnier than dead lawyers.
Does anybody know any good dead cable news pundit jokes?
Let’s not get started again. The mods have had a hard enough day.
All right one more. A man went to his doctor and said he wanted a castration. The doctor questioned him closely and suggested he wait a while and think about it.
He was back in a month determined on a castration. OK. The doctor scheduled it and the operation went off with out any trouble. The patient is lying in the recovery room and sees the guy in the next bed is about his age. He says, “What operation did you have?” The guy answers, I had a circumcision.”
The patient says, “Dammit, that’s what I meant !”
Here’s a live lawyer joke. Four college roommates make a bet. They will each promise to put a thousand dollars into the casket of the first one to die.
Years go by and they are all professionals, a doctor, an engineer, an accountant, and a lawyer.
Finally one dies. It’s the engineer. The surviving three go to the funeral. The doctor puts a thousand dollars into the casket. The Accountant and Engineer do likewise. The lawyer puts a check for four thousand into the casket and takes the three thousand cash as change.
Okay. Now we’ve seen that one three times.
Third time was the charm…. At 200 posts a day, there are probably many duplicate posts.
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie’s lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, “Nope…due to inflation, constant down-sizing, low wages in third-worl countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So…what’ll it be?”
The woman didn’t hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.”
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish.
“The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time and is faithful. That’s what I wish for…a good mate.
“The Genie let out a long sigh and said, “Let me see that map again.”
I have heard another version of this with a man. When asked for his wish, he said, “Well, I’m afraid of flying and of the ocean and ships or boats, but I have always wanted to go to Hawai’i. Could you build me a large enough bridge that I could drive comfortably from here to Hawai’i without a plane or ship?”
As with the other version, the genie says, “That’s unreasonable, etc.”
So, the guy asks for the perfect wife and describes her. Same, t’ing.
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, “Let’s talk about that bridge again.”
And I thought I was bad at telling jokes.
A line worker in Soviet Radio Factory 246 was called into the office of the factory manager. Sergei was worried because when you got called to the office there wasn’t very many good things that could happen. But he was wrong,
Sergei was told because of his excellent attendance and his consistently exceeding production goals, he’d been specially selected to receive a new car. Because the car factory was implementing a new five year plan, he could not take delivery of his new car for 389 days. The manager consulted a calendar and told Sergei the car would be ready to pick up on April 29th.
Sergei: Would that be morning or afternoon, comrade supervisor?
Supervisor: Why would that matter?
Sergei: The plumber is coming that morning.
I’ve heard that version too.
No, but I just had a plumber who fixed my toilet differently — and unhelpfully — because he thought I was stupid. He thought, “This poor woman doesn’t really know how to flush a toilet, does she?” Because the toilet drained alright for him when he tried it, he refused to believe I knew what I was talking about when I complained that the drain was beginning to clog, and would soon be totally blocked.
So, he had to come back when it was totally blocked, causing much hassle for all concerned, which could have been avoided if he just believed me the first time around.
I wasn’t going to go into the full spiel when he just told its mirror. If I told one of my good jokes, I would get banned.
If only they had some kind of monetary compensation – like they got paid a lot.