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Trying to Fit In
Most people, at least early in life, want to fit in, don’t they? As far back as I can remember, I don’t recall having that desire. Maybe because I never did fit in. I was an introvert and kept my own company. I figured that being alone was the nature of life.
Then life surprised me.
My first surprise with fitting in was in high school. In my junior year, my family moved to Torrance, CA from Garden Grove, CA; at that age, changing schools was pretty traumatic. It would have been easy to get lost in the crowd at South High School, except that I discovered a service organization on campus. I was especially attracted to the kelly green sweaters that they issued (so that no one had to worry about buying one). And for the first time in my life, I not only learned what service meant, but I learned how joyful life could be mingling with other girls and working together. Members were selected by a committee of teachers, and they included the “soshes” and the nobodies. We were called the Athenas (and the boys were called Apollos). I fit in.
My next surprise was during my trip to Israel in my junior year of college. American students from the Cal State system were boarded in a shared section of the dormitory. In the girls’ dorm, we were a rowdy lot (well, at least most of us were). With Vickie in the group, there was no hanging back: everyone got hugs! Before we knew it, we were tight as newborn kittens. It took a while for me to relax into hugs, but when I finally did, I felt an intimacy I had never felt. It was another opportunity to fit in.
I also discovered a different kind of fitting in with my husband. We both fit into the marriage and our relationship. His acceptance of my life changes, without complaints, was remarkable. Go back to school for a master’s degree? Sure. Become an independent consultant and trainer? Sure. Become a Zen Buddhist? Sure. Return to Judaism? Sure.
Another surprise showed up in the form of Ricochet. I was uncomfortable being called a “writer,” but I finally had the courage to submit a post. And then it was promoted. And then I was asked to be contributor. And I’m only now realizing that I feel as if I fit in to this intelligent, funny, creative group of people, with all my warts and limitations.
The last surprise I want to share about fitting in (because I have no doubt that life will hold many more surprises) is the friendships on Ricochet. In particular, when I was adrift having left Zen Buddhism, I noticed @iwe’s posts. In commenting on one of them, I asked him about his book, and told him my story. I couldn’t imagine returning to Judaism; after all, I had essentially abandoned her. (One does not “convert” to Buddhism so I always saw myself as a Jew.) Yet @iwe assured me that I’d never lost my place in Judaism. She was still there, waiting for me. I would always fit in.
So now I live quiet days of writing, having a number of friends on Ricochet (some of them very dear), having friends here in Florida and all over the world, occasionally having a hospice patient to tend to, leading my meditation group, pursuing my Jewish path. And I realize I no longer have to pursue fitting in. Not because I realize that I do fit in, or that I always did, but because it finally dawned on me that life is not about fitting in.
Life is about waking up and thanking G-d for my life; it’s about that first sip of coffee in the morning; it’s about reading a good book; it’s about my husband’s exasperated huff about an anti-Trump news story; it’s about checking the Ricochet site; it’s about exploring a new OP; it’s about breakfast with a friend.
It’s also about loving, serving, laughing, celebrating, praying, sharing, and helping.
And it is more than enough.
Published in General
Beautiful post. Seems like you’re fitting your life and soul into this world pretty snugly.
I think your post highlights the difference between “connection” and “fitting in”. The former involves a level of self-sufficiency that does not negate socialization while avoiding subordinating ones self for approval. This is the fundamental problem with collectivization. Progressives prey upon the need for connection but insist on subordination. Too many do not understand that subordination is unnecessary to have a life affirming connection.
Wow, thanks, @quakevoter! I’m really touched. It does feel good. Even knowing that life can change on a dime.
So eloquently said, @rodin. Yes, there is a difference. Wish I’d thought of that! Thanks.
Funny thing about fitting in, if you try to do it, you won’t. On the other hand, if you don’t try, those who do fit with you will gravitate to you.
Gee . . . it sounds like you have a great husband (met him, so I know it’s true), and a great marriage. Congratulations!
Now that is a profoundly true statement, @arahant. I don’t think we can make these relationships happen. That has certainly been true for me. Thanks.
Thanks, @stad. We argue about important stuff–like who has to put up with whom the most! Not saying we never get miffed–especially when one of us can’t hear the other–but mostly we’re in sync.
I am so touched. Thank you!
Fantastic! I’ve never fit in, anywhere at any time. In my youth or now, well, like you, excluding my incredibly tolerant wife and children. I put them through a whirlwind. I grew up in an area where the locals played whack-a-mole with outcasts such as I. I went to art school, and suddenly, I was no longer the odd one out. In fact, everyone thought I was “normal,” which I knew wasn’t quite right, but people didn’t push me away, either.
The personalities I continue to admire the most are those who clearly don’t fit in, and, despite this quirk, are reciprocally gregarious. That is one cool trick.
@fredhoustan, you remind me that for years I wanted to be known as an eccentric and to act that way: kooky, unpredictable, fearless, free–you probably know someone like that in your life. Then I realized that although it sounds glamorous to be an eccentric (I’d have to wear a boa scarf everywhere), there would be many drawbacks. Not only would I not be true to myself, but no one would know what to expect from me, whether they could count on me. By then I realized that acting like an eccentric would be incredibly self-centered and destructive. So I think I’ll stick with predictable me. ;-)
Really nice post, Susan. Congratulations! I’ve never quite fit in. But, as you say, it is not always about that. Glad you found happiness. Even though we are quite different, and have had very different experiences, it has always been a pleasure knowing you.
Some of us are eccentric without being self-centered or destructive.
Excellent point, @arahant! I guess I assumed that was the direction I’d go. Then again, I probably just didn’t have the nerve to go against the grain!
Oh yeah. The vast majority of my “free-thinkers” are ironically bound by the same social conventions of this ubiquitous “uniqueness.” One dear friend I met at art school, however, whom is authentically this way, was right-leaning decades before I was, even in art school. He’s also the reciprocally gregarious friend. It’s inspiring to a clumsy soul such as mine.
The grain went against me first. 😜
Non-conformists always dress in a uniform.
Well, I wouldn’t have you any other way!!! Maybe you could give me eccentricity lessons!
The opposite also applies. Trying to be eccentric won’t do it. Just be yourself in full. Stop worrying about who you should be or what other people will think, and just be yourself. You’ll find that you really are eccentric without lessons or trying.
Now that sounds like fun. Have to go out for now . . .
I don’t recognize your example. Who might that be?
Just some guy, Phil. Just some guy.
You sing in a church choir?
No. He’s Zorro.
Not lately.
Definitely yes, but I don’t think I ever assigned it as high a priority as some people do.
So Zorro sings in church choir?
In some churches, it’s Zorros all the way down.
I’ve been thinking about this comment, @arahant. I think being truly who I am will make people respect, like and appreciate me. And it is certainly extremely gratifying to be most fully who I am (at those moments that I do). But I don’t think it makes me eccentric.
Edit: this definition matches my understanding:
› strange or unusual, sometimes in an amusing way:
Can we get a second opinion on this? Of course, how to get an honest one? 😈