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The Brain on Overload
If you’re looking for wisdom and wit, you won’t find much of it here. For the past few days, I’ve been organizing and clearing out my mind, and these random ideas were left over.
1. My dad used to regularly use an expression I rarely hear anymore: “not worth a hill of beans.“ Google tells me that the phrase, “not worth a bean,” goes all the way back to the year 1297. The American variant, “not worth a hill of beans,” appeared around 1863.
I don’t know why the phrase is not used more often. It’s as useful as all get-out, as in “Pelosi’s promises aren’t worth a hill of beans!” I bet Trump would like it. I think I’ll write him and see if he wants to use it. You think he’ll comp me a night in Trump Tower for my suggestion?
2. Have you ever noticed that plump women often dye their hair in weird colors, like blues, pinks, and purples? These ladies believe in the art of misdirection. They think that their attention-grabbing hair raises a viewer’s eyes up to their faces and away from their bodies. I don’t know if that works or not. If it does, good on them. I’d do the same thing. Now that I think of it, I’m developing a pretty fair potbelly myself. Unhappily, I don’t have enough hair to dye. Perhaps I can misdirect by having a famous conservative, perhaps Ayn Rand, tatted onto my bald head.
3. When I meet other dog walkers while I’m out walking Bob, I smile, compliment the other’s dog‘s appearance, ask its name and breed, and enjoy the social interaction. We dog walkers often know only the dog’s name, not the name of the person holding the leash. The lady down the street with a cute chihuahua often speaks for her little dog in a falsetto voice, “Hello, Bob, How are you doing this morning’?” Naturally, I have to speak for Bob: “Woof, woof! Not too bad, Daisy. Lookin’ gooooood, bitch.” We all go away happier than we were when we met.
4. I used to disapprove of old people who took a slew of pills daily. Pathetic, I thought, being dependent on their meds like that. Weak! Now I am one of those old people, and you’ll have to pry my pills from my cold, dead hands, etc. Karma’s a bitch.
5. How come Campbell’s soups aren’t as good as my wife Marie’s? None of Campbell’s or Progresso’s food scientists — all milling around their stainless steel kitchens, dressed in lab coats, stuffing food into blast chillers, and cooking on industrial ranges — can come up with a soup as good as Marie’s. What’s with that?
I’m not just blowing smoke here. Marie’s soups are just totally delish. I wish I could hand you a bowl right now. And she makes them like a professional chef, throwing in a pinch of this, a soupçon of that. Sometimes she throws leftovers into the pot. Leftovers! The woman is a soup genius.
She makes a huge stainless steel pot full of soup each week. Potato, noodle, vegetable, tomato-based —they’re all great. I eat one big bowl for lunch and one just before I go to bed. Eating Marie’s soups just mellows me out. It’s kinda like sucking on a bong. Not that I suck on bongs. Well, I did suck on a bong once but I didn’t inhale.
6. Despite the Coronavirus washing over great swaths of the world, Marie and I, with friends, from coast to coast, don’t know a single person with the virus. Is this your experience?
About 1 in 100 people in the US will catch the virus. Most will show only mild or no symptoms. And even if you catch the virus — at least if you’re below the age of 40 — your odds of dying of the virus before your next birthday are about 1 in 1,000 (or so my source, one of many, says).
7. It’s beginning to get on my nerves, this habit of calling nurses, doctors, and other hospital personnel “heroes.” There are plenty of others who have worked through the pandemic who are not called heroes. The guy who sweeps the floors of my local Safeway performs a necessary service and comes closer to strangers than the six-foot distance requires hundreds of times a day. He shows up every day to sweep.
Besides, I like to reserve the word “heroes” for people who rush into burning buildings, brave gunfire, and so on. The word “heroes” is being overworked these days.
8. If I were out of it any farther, I’d be on the other side of the moon. Marie and I watch a television show called The Masked Singer. After a famous person in a costume (see photo) sings, a panel of four famous people try to guess the person in the costume. I not only don’t know the famous people on the panel (though one woman has a familiar face and pneumatic breasts), I’ve also never heard of any of the famous people they offer up as guesses. I think I should. They’re actors in television series, singers with pop hits, reality show people, and so on.
Then when the singer takes off his mask, the audience lets out a collective gasp at how perfectly marvelous it is that some famous person named Lil’ Bow Wow, or some such, was behind the mask. At the same time, the panelists go into paroxysms of surprise and wonder when the famous person takes off his mask. Despite all the gasps and paroxysms, I‘ve never heard of the guy. No wonder young people pity old people. We know nothing.
9. How in the world did I navigate through life without Google? I‘ve had some green stuff on the surface of my deck. Mold, algae, moss — who knows what? Google knew. It was probably algae, she told me. She also told me to spray vinegar on it. So I went out and sprayed vinegar on my deck, then scrubbed it a bit and rinsed it off. It worked. The green stuff is gone. Simple white vinegar eats algae. Who knew?
10. I’m putting this one out there to see if anyone has the same quirk as I do. (Marie calls it a personality flaw.) At any rate, it gets on my nerves for a person to ask me how’s it going. “How’s it goin’, Kent?” I don’t want to answer. I don’t know why I have this quirk. Asking someone how he’s doing seems like a harmless and friendly social gesture.
But whatever happened to a simple “Hello?” I just don’t want to tell some stranger the state of my life. It annoys me so much that I often don’t answer the question. I just say “Hello.” Most of the time the guy never seems to notice that I haven’t told him how I’m doin’. My annoyance annoys Marie. She answers strangers with a perky tone in her voice, “Everything is really fine! And how are you doing?” The woman makes a great soup, but she is also annoying as hell at times.
Published in General
That’s the way I am when I see a news article about some “famous” actress or singer. Never heard of ’em. I don’t watch network TV (except through DVDs of select series), so the names mean nothing. Frankly, I’d gasp if I did recognize someone . . .
You have definitely earned your curmudgeon medals today, Mr. Forrester. But trust me, I’m grouchier today than you so you’ll have to get in line. And I’m standing up for poor Marie, too–somebody has to! And okay, yell at me for ending my sentence with a preposition. Go ahead! Give me time, I’ll think of other things to pick on . . .
Great thoughts. My Uncle said when he was young, he used to cuss and raise his fists and old drivers, and then one day he realized he was one of those old fa..ts getting cussed at one the road.
Thanks for the photo of Bob; I’ve missed him.
How’s it going!
Jen and I watch the masked singer every week but recognize very few of the celebrities either. It does make one feel a bit out of touch with pop culture I guess. However, if not knowing some teenage YouTube personality means I’m not hip, then I’m totally comfortable being a square.
I’ve actually met 4 people who have recovered from Covid. They all come into my work to donate their antibodies so that we can make preventative medications for future cases. Their personal experiences with the virus have all varied, but they all share a common trait. They’ve all said that they felt a sense of responsibility to society help out in any way that they are able.
I’ll vouch for the deliciousness of mom’s soups as well.
Hey Ricochet people. That’s my son Alan. He just joined Ricochet today.
I’m with you emphatically on number 10. I used to answer something like “by a mule train through Santa Fe, carrier pigeon”, or some such. But then I have to explain and that’s even more of a bummer. The response they are seeking from you is a repeat of their question or simply “fine”. They’re rarely interested in an honest answer. What they meant to say was Hi.
I have heard that in some eastern European countries, if you ask, “How are you?” it will be assumed that you really want to know, and it will take awhile.
2. I’ve also noticed that plump women have more than their fair share of tattoos. Which brings the eye back down.
6. I don’t know anyone either, and we live in an old folks community.
7. Oh, Mr AZ so agrees with you. He hates everyone still working being called heroes. If I needed my paycheck I would continue working as well.
8. When I go to my nail or hair salon I have the opportunity to read all the trashy “celebrity” magazines. I always think “Who are these people and who cares what they wore shopping on Rodeo Drive?!”
9. Don’t forget YouTube. You can learn how to do almost anything from YouTube.
10. How ya’ll doing Kent?
I need to remember that one.
Did you ever see this little series? I enjoyed them a lot.
Here’s the first, the rest should be suggested after.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cxqca4RQd_M
I think I’m about the same age as you. You pretty much nailed it for me, all except #3, I don’t have a dog. And I wouldn’t name it “Bob” if I did.
Not in my case. I am so repulsed by tattoos that my eyes slide all the way off the person. Which does not hurt my marriage any.
I’m not a dog person, but when all of us were moving into our newly constructed houses, many of my neighbors came with dogs, and I found it much easier to remember the dogs’ names than the names of their humans. Of course, often the dogs have more memorable names, like Gizmo for the tiny dog a few doors down or Max for the 125 lb. friendly and silent mound of fur across the street.
Welcome Alan. Just to let you know, your dear father and Bob have quite a following on Ricochet. His witty and erudite, yet homespun writings continue to entertain and delight us all. You are among friends.
Goldwaterwoman, thank you for that kind comment.
Alan is such a quiet boy that I don’t know what his politics are. I think he has libertarian instincts, but I’m not even sure of that. I hope he posts something. You live somewhere near Seattle, don’t you? Alan lives in Tacoma.
Mary, I’m happy to have found a fellow grump.
You’re just a little kidder, aren’t you?
I’m doing fine. How are you?
A full-on Bob photo! Might be more cuteness than I can handle. Thanks, Kent. And welcome, Alan. It looks as if you also have a cute pup.
Alan and I are surrounded by Libs and must be fairly quiet or face the angry mob. Only on Ricochet am I able to unveil my true political feelings. Well, that’s not quite true as I do have a few very old friends who feel the same way I do. However, the older I get, the fewer old friends I have?
Thank you so much for this Kent. I’m secretary of our HOA and am in the process of writing a group email to all our owners about your wonderful solution to a serious problem. I just looked it up, and according to Google, white vinegar has many fabulous uses including:
I don’t know what a loofah is, but I bet it’s a COC violation to mention the word. Hehe . . .
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnIDLELMkzU
More, please! What an unexpected pleasure for a horribly rainy afternoon. I hope the garbage man hasn’t been to your house yet because wherever you threw the rest of the trash from inside your mind…go get it and post it here on Ricochet.
Thanks cdor, I appreciate.your kind words.
It turns out I do directly know someone who caught COVID19, and know of several others at only one or two removes. My in-laws are certain they had it, but were refused any tests to verify this because they were still alive and not sick enough.
As for the TV stuff, I’m only in my 40s and probably know even fewer of those people than you. I don’t watch TV at all. It’s nice getting the who “knows nothing” out of one’s way when still younger.
Alright, I’ll stick in the snide comment.
@kentforrester but I think you recognize that photos of Bob are the reason many read your posts.)
@alanforrester we have a lot of fun here, and your father (and Bob) contribute quite a bit. Welcome!
@rushbabe49 is also in the Seattle/Tacoma area.
And that’s just Bob! Kent is pretty good too, though.
Aardo, thanks a lot. I think.
Oh, please, not Ayn Rand. As Jeeves said of Nietzsche, she is fundamentally unsound.