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Victor Borge Vocalizes Spanish Genders
As we have become increasingly isolated in our increasingly interconnected world, dating has become increasingly difficult. Many people spend more time engaging with others via the internet rather than in person (…he laments, as he drinks alone while blogging on a laptop…). Thus, as one might expect, dating websites have become increasingly popular. And as society has changed, these dating websites have become, as one might expect, very interesting places.
For example, the dating app Tinder now recognizes 37 different genders. You can register on Tinder as “Pangender” which is described as: “Pangender are people who feel they identify as all genders. The term overlaps with genderqueer and trigender.” There are 36 other genders, 34 of which are equally remarkable.
Reading all this, a few thoughts crossed my mind:
- I wonder why my spellcheck didn’t flag any of those words? Genderqueer? Trigender? Hmm…
- I thought some of my ex-girlfriends were crazy. Apparently, I was mistaken.
- I wonder how much I would have to drink for this to make sense? I thought this would be enough. Apparently, I was mistaken.
- Thank God I dated before someone decided to make relationships between the sexes even more complicated than they already are.
- Obviously, my grade in Spanish class would have been even worse if I had taken it now instead of in the 1980s.
- I wonder how Victor Borge would handle this?
- Perhaps I should explain the last two items to those hardy few who are still reading…
I always got good grades in school, but Spanish was difficult for me. I could get the vocabulary, but I never understood the verb conjugations. And I was constantly messing up the masculine/feminine thing. Some nouns are masculine (probably currently taught in class as ‘oppressive nouns’), and other nouns are feminine (probably currently taught in class as ‘oppressed nouns’). For example, a chair is feminine (silla), but an armchair is masculine (sillon). Remembering which nouns were feminine and which nouns were masculine was an ongoing challenge for me.
So imagine trying to learn Spanish with 37 different genders. My goodness.
I know what you’re thinking: “Victor Borge could help with this.” I’m glad you brought that up. I had the exact same thought.
For the unwashed heathens among us, Victor Borge was a Danish pianist/comedian who had a brilliant routine called phonetic punctuation. He pointed out that when you read a book, you could see the punctuation marks, so you knew what was going on. But when someone read a book aloud to you, you couldn’t see the punctuation marks, and that could lead to confusion. So he proposed that the reader should produce a standardized vocalization to denote punctuation as he read aloud. If you haven’t seen this, please treat yourself and indulge in this clip. It’s wonderful.
I hope that Spanish teachers today are using the tools created by the linguistic visionary, Victor Borge. Rather than have 37 different types of words for nouns of various genders, we could simply assign a certain vocalization for each gender, to follow every noun in every sentence. There would be less words for Spanish students to memorize – this would be simplicity itself! While still remaining sufficiently inclusive and woke to be permitted to be taught on college campi. And as new genders are created, we can simply add more vocalizations, rather than more words!
I would like to humbly nominate myself to chair the committee in charge of creating and classifying the various vocalizations that would be needed for this project. You can submit your suggestions to the website of the academic think tank which is sure to be created for the management of this project.
It’s amazing how lucid, practical, and insightful I can be, even after drinking this much. Most people, at this point, would be spouting nonsense. It’s hard to be humble, sometimes.
Anyway, on Monday morning, I intend to write to the chair of the Spanish department of the colleges my kids attend, to explain my brilliant insight. I give you my word that I will seek no financial gain from my intellectual property. Some ideas are just too important to the good of mankind to be held hostage by the capitalistic monster of ‘profit before people.’
Oops! Humankind! I think! Sorry. We need a vocalization for that, too…
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I would also like to humbly nominate this post for the prestigious weekly Ricochet contest of: “Best essay on the topic of Tinder, Spanish, genderqueers, and Victor Borge.” Thank you in advance for your votes.
Published in General
Phonetic Punctuation and Inflationary Language were brilliant inventions of Borge’s. He was a very, very funny man.
Or gestures, gestures would work.
Wow, that’s exactly what I was thinking. You got ESP.
But he was terrible on What’s My Line?
Thanks. I haven’t watched any Victor Borge for ages. What a treat. I remember that routine, perhaps not from the first time around, but close.
I miss comedians like him. First, what a musical talent. And his quiet, gentle brand of comedy. Not an f-bomb in site, no insults, no politics. ‘
Is there anyone like him, anywhere, today?
And yes, brilliant idea. Do let us know how you get on with this project.
Good Doctor, as I read your post I couldn’t help but think you were perhaps indulging in something a little more potent than bourbon.
It’s not the potency. It’s the dosage.
Good point! Touche.
When Borge (born Børge Rosenbaum) fled Nazi occupied Europe, his big break in America was warming up Rudy Vallée’s studio audience. Vallée called Bing Crosby’s producer, Carl Kuhl and told him he should get him a spot on The Kraft Music Hall. “If he’s so good, why don’t you use him?” asked Kuhl.
Vallée replied, “We don’t use guests.”
So Kuhl and Bing’s head writer, Carroll Carroll, went to Vallée’s broadcast and watched Borge do his phonetic punctuation routine. They immediately signed him for the first Thursday of December 1941.
At that time KMH was an hour program and Borge was slotted a full 12 minutes after the NBC chimes rang at the bottom of the hour and Bing sang “Be Honest with Me.” Twelve minutes after Bing introduced him Borge showed absolutely no signs of slowing down.
Carroll later wrote, “We lost a commercial. He kept right on going. We lost a Crosby song. Then we lost a guest spot and another Crosby song and another commercial and the closing theme and we went off the air with people howling and applauding Borge.”
After losing so much commercial time the producers figured Kraft’s ad agency, J. Walter Thompson, would have them all fired. But on Friday everyone was talking about KMH and the guy with the funny accent.
After that Thompson signed Borge to a 5-year contract to be a regular on Bing’s show. Unfortunately, because of Crosby’s tireless fund raising effort to support the war, KMH was shortened to a half hour 14 months later and Borge was released from his contract.
My first artist-level oboe teacher, Isai Belinsky, spent a year touring with Borge in his pit orchestra; Borge brought a handful of musicians along and hired locals for the rest. He described being just as overwhelmed by laughter at the year’s end as at its beginning.
What a funny, funny man. And he did these routines in Danish, too.
You are a very funny man.
yep, that was some classic Ricochet style writing. well done (Mr.) doc (sir).
Yes, but only with a clear line of sight and decent lighting. Radio is pretty much a dead letter. Pillow talk becomes problematic.
@flicker
Golly. The gestures used to describe some of these sexual preferences could be…um… interesting. Boggles the mind.
That committee would require bourbon. Lots and lots of bourbon.
Whole distilleries of bourbon.
Or more fun.
Outstanding!
Classic writing about a man whose musicality and mirth brought Mom P. and me hours of shared enjoyment – especially on tape and DVD. We could quote these line-by-line, but were never bored. Thanks, DocB!
Women tend to be more crazy than men. But you lived in a time were society told you be less crazy. Now you get positive affirmation if you identify as trigender so people are becoming more crazy.
Thanks for sharing this EJ. I’m a fan of Borge, but did not know this part of his history.