Which Church Should I Attend?

With Christmas only a couple days away, many of you may be interested in attending a local church. Perhaps you've made a New Year's resolution to be more spiritual, or your football team needs divine intervention to make the playoffs. However, given the many denominations and traditions, it can be hard to know which one is right for you. Fortunately, I have a handy questionnaire to determine which church is right for your unique spiritual needs.

(Inspired by this flowchart from Holy Taco and, needless to say, completely tongue-in-cheek.)

1. What is your favorite vice?
   1. Drinking: You should be Catholic. See the appendix.
   2. Eating red meat, especially on Fridays: Go to question 2.
   3. Not shaving: Go to question 11.



2. A bunch of people are laying their hands on you and praying loudly and/or singing. Your thoughts?
   1. How wonderful!: Go to question 3.
   2. AAH! GET THEM OFF ME! GET THEM OFF ME NOW!: You should be Mainline Protestant. Go to question 4.



3. Fleegle fliggle bleeber babber boop.
   1. Preach it, brother!: You should be Pentecostal.
   2. Did a cat just walk across your keyboard?: You should be Evangelical.



4. Have you ever successfully given up something for Lent?
   1. Yes: Go to question 5.
   2. No: Go to question 6.
   3. What's Lent?: Go to question 9.



5. Are you rich?
   1. Yes: You should be Episcopalian.
   2. No: You should be Lutheran.



6. Have ye any Scottish ancestors?
   1. Aye: Ye should be Presbyterian.
   2. Nae: Hie ye to question 7.



7. Who is RuPaul?
   1. Fabulous!: You should be United Church of Christ.
   2. I have no idea: Go to question 8.



8. Are you willing to learn who RuPaul is?
   1. Yes: You should be liberal Methodist.
   2. No: You should be conservative Methodist.



9. How do you feel about the military?
   1. I freaking LOVE the military!: You should be Baptist.
   2. Meh: Go to question 10.



10. Do long silences give you the creeps?
    1. Yes: You should be Mennonite.
    2. No: You should be Quaker.



11. How do you feel about the Internet?
    1. I don't like it: You should be Amish.
    2. Meh: Go to question 12.
    3. I have my own YouTube channel and/or podcast: You are predestined to be a Calvinist.



12. How do you feel about olives?
    1. I freaking LOVE olives!: You should be Greek Orthodox.
    2. Meh: You should be Russian Orthodox.

If you're drawn to the Catholic Church, you should be aware that in many parts of the country, particularly those with large immigrant communities, parishes are historically divided along ethnic lines. So, as a service, here's a supplemental questionnaire to determine what ethnicity you should be.

1. What is your favorite drink?
   1. Whiskey: You should be Irish.
   2. Rum or tequila: Go to question 2.
   3. Wine: Go to question 5.
   4. Beer: Go to question 7.



2. Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
   1. Democrat: Go to question 3.
   2. Republican: You should be Cuban.



3. Yankees or Dodgers?
   1. Dodgers: You should be Mexican.
   2. Yankees: Go to question 4.



4. Are you an immigrant?
   1. Yes: You should be Dominican.
   2. Technically no, but everyone thinks I'm one: You should be Puerto Rican.



5. How do you feel about spaghetti?
   1. Meh: Go to question 6.
   2. I freaking LOVE spaghetti!: You should be Italian.



6. Where are you from?
   1. New Hampshire, Maine, or Louisiana: You should be French.
   2. Somewhere else: You should be Portuguese.



7. Is your last name pronounceable?
   1. No: Go to question 8.
   2. Sort of: Go to question 9.



8. Do you secretly find jokes about your heritage funny?
   1. Yes: You should be Polish.
   2. No: You should be Lithuanian.



9. How do you feel about pretzels?
   1. I freaking LOVE pretzels!: You should be German.
   2. Meh: You should be Czech.
   3. DARN IT, I'M NOT CZECH!: Fine, be Slovak then.