Understanding Melania

After last night's "debate," Trump left the stage alone, and shortly after, Dr. Jill was seen on camera guiding her elderly husband to the podium steps and assisting him down them ever so gingerly. After my first thought of the travesty of this open elder abuse that has been going on since he campaigned from his basement in 2019, my mind then went to Melania Trump, who has been in the shadows this entire campaign. And I'm fine with it. I actually understand it, though am not sure of her motivation.

While people are screaming, "Where's Melania!" as if there is some sinister plot afoot, I am more of the mindset that first ladies should not be as prominent as Jill Biden, whether their husbands are candidates or in office. They also shouldn't be so absent it's noticeable. But I get it. Melania has been treated like a second-class citizen by the left and media (same thing), so I can understand why she would not want to go down this road again. She was constantly belittled, wasn't good enough for the covers of magazines, was sold out by "friends," made fun of for her White House Christmas decor, and much more. Why would any sane person want to go through that again?

Husbands and wives often agree that some things must be done, and, while we support our spouse, we might do it from the sidelines. I know something about this, but not on the national stage like Mrs. Trump. (Just a family stage, still harassed and belittled and made to feel badly about a decision in which I tried to always be supportive of my husband, but did not always participate in.) I'm not even certain she agrees with her husband's decision to run for office again, but in this case, she's behind him and has chosen the self-preservation route — I totally get it.

Ten years ago, we moved back home to Arizona from North Carolina, where we had been living for 15 years. We raised our kids there and were still homeschooling two of them in high school. My husband's dad was dying from 2 kinds of cancer and his mother would need some practical help. So, we uprooted our family, since no one else would take on the task, and moved back across the country one July. (An aside: try not to move to or from Phoenix in July. We have done both.)

There was a reason we moved across the country in the first place. We were not close to the family here and there was a lot of baggage my dear husband carried from childhood, yet he was the one who chose to come back and do the right thing in honoring his father and mother, with my support. Long story short: after 7 years of helping, cooking, driving, and doing absolutely none of those things correctly, I stopped doing them. My now-adult children became very aware of why we did not live near their grandparents after being subjected to lunatic rants and being made to feel less-than. I cracked one day and decided I could no longer participate in the care and keeping of someone who, for 30 years, had treated me and my family in such a terrible way. She was of sound mind and made a choice to do this. No dementia, no Alzheimer's. None of the things one would normally give a pass to. There was no reason for it, and I ended it. Getting older and wiser is a wonderful thing.

My husband fully understood and supported my decision. He often said he didn't know what took so long. He had grown up with that toxicity and did a lot to overcome it in his adult years and felt he could just let it ride while he did what he needed to do. He would continue his visits over the next 3 years, doing the grocery shopping, fixing things at the house, visiting with her, arranging appointments, and everything else a 90-year-old needed, even when having full-time in-home care. (That's a whole other post.) I, on the other hand, did not fully understand and didn't always support the chaos, which is why I believe my husband is a much better person than I am. However, it was ultimately a mutual decision, even though it was difficult and tested us as a couple and as a family. It was not the warm and fuzzy time having Sunday dinners with grandma that I had hoped for.

One of our daughters said something to me one day while I agonized over this. She said, "If I was in a bad relationship and was being treated that way, you wouldn't want me to stay in it. There is no reason to keep going through this just because she's a relative. Boundaries are acceptable." Yes, they certainly are. I hope the boundaries Melania has set for herself and her son in this season of life work out for their family. There is some angst in doing so, but there is also no point in being a martyr for another 4 years in a very public role, in which a lot of people dislike you for the dumbest reasons. If her husband wins the presidency, we may never really see her, but hopefully she is behind the scenes supporting the man she married as best she can.

This is a big task sometimes. Even when your husband is not Donald Trump.