Columbia University Announces New Order on Campus

(New York / PR Newswire) In a press conference today, Columbia University President Minouche Shafik unveiled a program to end the turmoil on her campus and protect Jewish students.

“It’s time to provide a final solution to this problem,” she announced. “Columbia University will therefore dedicate an exclusive block of residence halls that will be reserved for Jews.”

“In order to ensure the safety of our Jewish students – and indeed of our entire campus – these residence halls will be entirely enclosed by a protective wall that will be continually patrolled by university security.”

In response to a question about the expense of the wall and additional security, Ms. Shafik pointed out that “It would obviously be unfair to ask others in the Columbia community to bear expenses that are necessary to protect Jews. Therefore we will charge supplemental fees to our Jewish students, as well as to any of those who are part-Jewish, by which I mean students who have a Jewish parent or grandparent.”

“But,” she added with a smile, “no one needs to worry that Jewish students of limited means will be excluded from Columbia if they cannot afford the extra fees. Low-income Jews will be offered work-study positions scrubbing Columbia’s streets and sidewalks.”

Some reporters asked whether there would be any security services for Jewish students who had to leave the walled area in order to attend classes and campus events.

“Of course,” she replied. “When outside of the residence hall area, Jewish students will be carefully watched by our campus police to ensure their safety. In order to allow the police to easily identify Jewish students, they will be required to wear a yellow Star of David on their clothing. Incidentally, we welcome this as an opportunity to honor an ancient symbol of the Jewish people’s heritage.”

She emphasized that this will not result in discrimination against Jewish students. “Columbia University will not discriminate against anyone for any reason, including the ugliness of their noses or the impurity of their blood.”

Ms. Shafik added that the plan was developed with input from all stakeholders in the Columbia community, including some who had participated in recent anti-Zionist demonstrations. “You may recall that some demonstrators chanted ‘Go back to Poland.’ This plan represents a sort of compromise: We will not require Jews to return to Poland, but we are incorporating many elements of the traditional Jewish communities that were once found in many Polish cities.”

“Of course, there are bound to be problems as we implement this program,” added Ms. Shafik, joking about a leaked internal document in which the word “program” was embarrassingly misspelled.

Many leftist groups on campus expressed support. These included the Democratic Socialists of America, which announced that it would be replacing the word “Democratic” in its name with “National.”