Get the Ricochet app
Ricochet will work fine in a browser on your mobile devices, but for the best experience please download our app.
The other day, I was watching some classic Letterman bits featuring Chris Elliott on YouTube. Somewhere during the half-marathon session, I recognized Paul Shaffer and the World’s Most Dangerous Band were playing Paul Simon’s “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover,” a song I haven’t heard in decades.
I like some Paul Simon stuff, but this one has never particularly moved me. And I don’t endorse abandoning that special someone, even if your manner of escape rhymes with your first name. As meticulous and fussy as Simon has always been, he only gives us the following five ways to “leave your lover,” each addressed to a different man, as if he were speaking directly to them:
1. Slip out the back, Jack.
2. Make a new plan, Stan.
3. No need to be coy, Roy.
4. Hop on the bus, Gus.
5. Drop off the key, Lee
As vague as these suggestions are, Rhymin’ Simon stopped at five, content he had made his point, although I have always found it wanting. I tried to put myself in Simon’s tiny shoes, visualizing shoes he wasn’t already wearing at the time, of course, and I tried to think like him. I knew I was in the zone when I realized Art Garfunkel’s perfectly angelic tenor had always annoyed me. I grabbed a pencil and paper. Then, I grabbed a pen, because I prefer writing with pens.
I came up with the other 45 ways to leave your lover. So, although he’ll never properly thank me for it, and if he ever did fill out the tune with all 50 ways, the song would be half an hour long according to Popular Quantum Mechanics magazine.
Yet:
6. Get on your bike, Mike.
7. Hop a schooner, Spooner.
8. Pretend you're dead, Fred.
9. Just blatantly cheat, Pete.
10. Run her over with a tank, Frank.
11. Fake your own death, Seth.
12. Head for the park, Mark.
13. Just act insane, Dane.
14. Lose her in the gorge, George.
15. Leave in the fall, Paul.
16. Get in a cab, Tab.
17. Tell her you don't have a penny, Lenny.
18. Go off to heaven, Kevin.
19. Up and leave, Steve.
20. Walk over the hill, Bill.
21. Don't ever falter, Walter.
22. Escape in a cart, Art.
23. Hide in a barrel, Ferrill.
24. Jump on a jet, Chet.
25. Pedal your trike, Spike.
26. Get on gone, Don.
27. Hire an attorney, Bernie.
28. Leave in a blimp, Shemp.
29. Turn yourself in, Glen.
30. Go live in Rio, Leo.
31. Find another pal, Al.
32. Up and go, Joe.
33. Learn how to swim, Jim.
34. Jump in the van, Dan.
35. Put on your skates, Nate.
36. Make a scene, Gene.
37. Gotta split, Whit.
38. Take a redeye flight, Dwight.
39. Don't have to be tricky, Ricky.
40. Get away safe, Rafe.
41. Hide in the basin, Mason.
42. Leave on a whim, Tim.
43. You've gotta be bad, Chad.
44. Mustn't tarry, Harry.
45. This is your cue, Hugh.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!
Discussion (66)
CONTRIBUTOR • CHARTER MEMBER
To read this bio, please join Ricochet.
You have to admit, our cyberpal Troutman nailed it.
To read this bio, please join Ricochet.
Left out once more. Guess I have to stick with her, cause a Harley is more money than I'd invest.
To read this bio, please join Ricochet.
Riposte and parry, Gary.
To read this bio, please join Ricochet.
Don't be a slave, Dave.
To read this bio, please join Ricochet.
Give her a brew, Drew.
You're seeing five of 66 comments. Sign in, or join for just $5 per month, to read them all and add your own.