(Larry) King for a Day

Summer has finally been defeated on the Korean Peninsula, and you know what that means - winged black ants on the walls, and the return of the serial sneeze. These too will pass in a few days, and we’ll get the fall colors we deserve. I’m sure if I were a painter, I would try and fail repeatedly to capture autumn on canvas. What I will attempt now is another in a series of tributes to the late Larry King and his USA Today column. Yonder, it comes:

Why bother smiling in a mugshot? And if your murder case is pretty open and shut, why go to the trouble of gussying up for court?

If you are wealthy, your bank clerk is a fortune teller…

Being in a hand-basket doesn’t really mitigate going to hell much at all…

Most overrated smell: roses. Most underrated: sawdust…

You know that feeling that you’re still wearing a hat, long after you’ve taken it off? I call it “Phantom Hat Syndrome,” and a cure may be just around the corner.

I wonder how many frogs they boiled in water, just to prove the first one wasn’t a fluke…

Do revolving doors revolve the other way in the Southern Hemisphere?

Things that sound like they would taste good but don’t: cocoa butter….

I’ve been to quite a few countries, and I can assert malls are about the same everywhere…

Is there downheaval?

Nectarines are low-T peaches…

If you ever met my Uncle Ron, you’d have a new understanding of “relative humidity”…

Remember all the stories about LA street gangs back in the 90s? The Crips and Bloods were like armies wearing Garanimals…

Jerry Seinfeld is a stand-up guy…

Nothing is clear with a trans parent…

If you could go back in time, don’t kill baby Hitler. I’m 100% certain teenage Hitler would present less of a dilemma…

Have we eradicated the vapors? No one seems to get them these days. I will go out on a limb here and thank Big Pharma…

As long as skip buttons exist, anyone paying for advertisements on YouTube might as well light their money on fire…

Another word for gloves is intermittens…

Imagine being a locksmith and asking your wife if she’s seen your keys…

It is said that nature abhors a vacuum, but not if it’s a Dyson… (Paid product placement)

My friend Paul has a master’s in Franco-American Studies. He wrote his thesis on SpaghettiOs…

Worst case scenario: your car backfires as you drive past a playground…

How come Captain America never got promoted again?

I wonder if there are kids who buy baseball cards just for the gum…

I’ll bet Jackson Browne dreads going to the ophthalmologist…

Well, I must go and repel the blank ant invasion. Thank you for reading these bits o’ nonsense. “Until next time, America,” as Maury Povich once said, repeatedly. Enough about him, though.