Top Female Presidential Candidates

According to Jen Rubin on the Source of All Wisdom, bigots have been attempting to undermine Kamala Harris by referring to her by her first name, which is apparently a sexist plot to undermine women running for president. Since Rubin is never wrong, this is alarming. However, here at Ricochet, we prefer to look at the bright side, and the revelation that the use of the first name is exclusive to women means there are more female candidates than we realize. Here are the top ten:

10. Bernie Sanders

Bernie faced the additional hurdle of having a first name only a couple of letters away from Barbie. Barbieland is an unrealistic fantasy world where consumer goods appear out of nowhere and jobs are assigned on an irrational basis, and who would ever think to associate that with socialism?

9. Beto O'Rourke

Every so often, liberal journalists convince themselves that a progressive Democrat is about to break through in a traditionally Republican Sunbelt state. Honestly, I think it's so they have an excuse to go someplace warm. Beto O'Rourke, the congressman from El Paso who challenged Ted Cruz in 2018, is the only one of these candidates to parlay this attention into a presidential race.

There hasn't been a Great Sunbelt Hope for the Democrats in a while. Perhaps global warming makes going south less attractive, perhaps journalism budgets don't cover flights to Austin anymore, or perhaps it's because the Democrat who could win in the Sunbelt turned out to be Kyrsten Sinema.

8. Mike Bloomberg

Mike Bloomberg entered the 2020 Democratic primaries late, spent a bunch of money, only winning American Samoa, dropped out, then faded into obscurity. A billionaire with a grudge against our political system and a stronghold in the South Pacific—do you want Godzilla? Because that's how you get Godzilla.

7. Newt Gingrich

One of the more disappointing performances for Republicans in 2010 was that of Christine "I'm not a witch" O'Donnell in Delaware. To combat this in 2012, pioneering female candidate Newt Gingrich ran a campaign that was not just feminist but witchcraft-forward, highlighting her first name's association with witches' favorite species of salamander. It didn't work, but points for trying.

6. Rand Paul

A woman named "Rand" appealing to libertarians? I could swear I've heard something like that before, but I can't quite... [Editor's note: A 45,000-word monologue on the follies of altruism delivered by a fictional railroad magnate to an audience of straw man versions of New Deal-era bureaucrats has been omitted. You're welcome.]

5. Fred Thompson

In the political humor system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the elected officials, who actually do things; and the writers on the internet who dredge up obscure Presidential campaigns waged by one-and-a-half-term senators sixteen years ago so they can make "Law and Order" jokes. These are their stories.

DUN DUN.

4. Pete Buttigieg

Normally, the mayor of South Bend, Indiana, is not the sort of office you would think of as preparation for the presidency. However, being from the home of Notre Dame perfectly prepares you to address an issue of great concern to women voters: sports commentators who won't shut up about overrated football teams.

Speaking of Notre Dame...

3. Rudy Giuliani

As if it weren't enough that Rudy Giuliani did so many things- prosecutor, mayor, scourge of criminals, landscaping enthusiast, esoteric Trumpian legal theorist—we now find out, thanks to Jen Rubin, that Rudy was a pioneering female candidate. Truly a Renaissance man—I mean woman—for our time.

2. Jeb! Bush

With Rubin's revelation, the backlash against Jeb! seems even more heartbreaking: the exclamation point was clearly an expression of feminine enthusiasm. However, since Jeb! fell short, we've moved on and drained the swamp, and have no more time for dynasties. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go delete all the fundraising text messages from Donald Trump Jr. out of my inbox.

Now, thanks to Jen Rubin, we can reveal the true pioneer women who ran for public office and faced the indignity of using their first names, the first all-female ticket from the dawn of feminism:

1. Richard Nixon and Spiro Agnew

I can't riff on this without violating the Code of Conduct.

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