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For the record, I’m not married to my spiritual partner. I married a man who has called himself a “recovering Catholic” (although he says it with much less animosity these days), and we talked about our different spiritual paths (or lack of one). We decided to be married by a Reformed rabbi, who interviewed us to make sure that religion was not going to be an area of conflict. Since I was tenuously attached to Judaism but identified as a Jew, and Jerry didn’t mind my pursuing whatever Jewish practices I wished, the rabbi blessed our merger and performed the wedding ceremony. (I’m sure the fact he and Jerry had both spent many years in the Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky area had nothing to do with his decision.)
Jerry was true to his word. Even when I digressed for 20 years in practicing Zen Buddhism, he was respectful and distantly interested in my pursuits. When I left Zen and returned to Judaism, with more dedication than in the past, he still honored my decisions. I made an effort to practice my faith in a way that created the least amount of disruption to our marriage.
In spite of our deep compatibility and love after nearly 50 years, though, there is something we've never shared. Although we share very similar beliefs, values, and even some practices, we are not spiritual partners. My husband has never shown an interest in becoming Jewish, and it is too important a choice for me to put any pressure on him. I appreciated that he respected faith religions, that he never criticized my choices, and I never sensed any judgment from him.
Nevertheless, I have occasionally wondered all these years, what would it be like to have a husband who shared my faith? Who valued the belief system? Who liked to engage in the practices? Even if he had decided to convert, I don’t think he would have been accepted into the faith, since Judaism requires a person to be deeply sincere to convert. And Jerry’s heart would not have been in it. I’ve never quite understood the people who decide to convert to a religion when their hearts are not in it. Is that sort of like marrying someone you don’t know and hoping you grow to love him or her?
So I would be grateful to learn how faith manifests in your marriages or your committed relationships. Do you both share the same religious faith? Or no faith at all? Did one or both of you convert?
Do you think the decision to practice or not to practice a faith has had an impact on your lives or in how you raised your children? Do you compromise on which practices or rites you observe to accommodate each other?
I’m very grateful to be married to a man who has tolerated my faith pursuits all these years, and who is, in every other way, my love and my partner for life.
Discussion (24)
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I would note that there are always differences between husband and wife - our differences are really meant to be a feature of relationship, not a bug. Bridging those gaps is an ongoing challenge in any real marriage.
Mrs. iWe and I share Torah Judaism, but we take very different interests in it. She is deeply involved in specifics, the "how we do" of Jewish Law. I have no beef with any of it, but my interests are about the "why". So we do not, for example, study Judaism together, as it is an unnecessary source of frustration.
Philosophically, there is also a deep divide between those who think that everything is G-d's plan, and those who believe that our free will can influence any such plan. I don't accept that these are somehow compatible beliefs.
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Very thoughtful observations! And they make sense as well. You and Mrs. iWe are spiritual partners and share many practices and beliefs, but you still observe differently. That's wonderful.
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My husband is a cradle Catholic but was not practicing when we began dating. I was raised Christian Scientist so no sacraments (including baptism) though I considered myself a Christian. I certainly knew most of the Bible (as did my husband) though a rather shallow understanding. I was not serious about my faith or going to any Sunday service. Before we married, my husband not only went to Mass but began going regularly to Penance and Communion. After marriage, we both decided it was important to go to church on Sunday. After about 8 years, I converted. We have both continued to grow in our faith - studying the Bible, other religious reading, going to Mass more than once a week and more prayer time. I can say that it is a real joy for both of us to grow in our faith together. I'm sure we've been more serious about our faith journeys as we are in it together. (By the way, I dislike the term 'faith journey' but haven't figured out another way to talk about this.) As with children and other family, I think it is an advantage to all be of the same faith and of the same seriousness but, in the end, it is you and G-d. I think it must be more difficult to not be of the same faith but in this day and age, it may be more important that you are both serious about your faith. That seems to be the dividing line in the culture today. I think it would be very hard to marry someone who had no faith and especially was antagonistic to faith.
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I would say "developing my relationship with G-d." Faith is only one component of a relationship, after all.
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Good for you two. That sounds like a wonderful evolution.
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