The joy of sports nicknames

One of the many things I love about sports is nicknames. Probably my favorite was James Williams. He was a basketball star at Austin Peay (a small college in Tennessee). His remarkable leaping ability earned him the nickname, “The Fly.” This, of course, led hometown fans to cheer in joyous unison, “The Fly is open! Let’s go Peay!!!”

There have been so many other wonderful nicknames, and the tradition is made even better by athletes' tendency to be uninterested in your feelings. In a pure meritocracy, nobody cares if you are offended. When Charles Barkley was a leading rebounder despite his struggles with his weight, they called him “The Round Mound of Rebound,” “The Crisco Kid,” “The Leaning Tower of Pizza,” along with many others. His athleticism despite his obesity was legendary. Personnel director Al Menendez described Barkley thusly: “He’s like the space shuttle at Cape Canaveral – he flies through the air, and you don’t know how.”

Another recipient of insensitive nicknames was Jared Lorenzen – a quarterback at the University of Kentucky, who later played in the NFL. He was a freaky athlete with a cannon for a left arm, but he was famously overweight, playing at nearly 300 pounds. This led to several wonderful nicknames: “The Hefty Lefty,” “The Pillsbury Throwboy,” “The Abomindable Throwman,” and many others. Unfortunately, when he died at age 38, he was over 500 pounds.

Then there are the nicknames which make fun of someone’s actual name. BenJarvis Green-Ellis was known as “The Law Firm.” Marc Rzepczynski was known as “Scrabble.” Arron Afflalo was called “Spellcheck.” Mario Lemieux was, of course, “Super Mario.” The Chicago Bears had a fierce pass rusher (Dan Hampton) called “Danimal.” Zlatan Ibrahimovic was such a wizard on the soccer pitch that they called him “Ibracadabra.” The Pittsburgh Pirates have a Venezuelan player named Jhostynxon Garcia, nicknamed “The Password.” When his younger brother Johanfran signed with the Red Sox, he became “The Username.”

My teammates were less creative. I had a teammate in college whose last name was Bates. I can’t remember his first name, because we always called him “Master.” Football players are so sophisticated.

But sometimes, even athletes come up with something really clever. What’s your favorite sports nickname?