Parenting

For those of you who would like to share parenting stories, happy or sad, I'd love to read them.

Susan,

Thank you for being brave enough to share your self-examination on such an important and personal subject.

I think most people with children are reluctant to discuss the pros and cons of parenthood with those who, for whatever reason, have not and never will have children of their own. I read your post (as I almost always do) and was persuaded by that reticence, until upon reflection I decided that the topic deserves to be discussed -- that now, more than ever, it needs to be discussed.

I'm going to use this as an opportunity to express a few thoughts about parenthood, imagining my audience to be that growing population of young people who are considering committing themselves to a life without children.

I think healthy humans of at least normal capacities, once they have achieved the essentials for survival and basic security -- the lower levels of the pyramid of wants and needs -- require purpose, both to feel meaningful in their day-to-day lives and to have confidence, as they grow older, that there was a point to it all. For most of us, children provide a hard-wired sense of purpose, an assurance that we will be able to look back on our lives and believe that we made a lasting difference, left our mark on the world.

One can achieve that without children. One can commit oneself, as you have, to a life of service to others. That's usually a deliberate act, something one has to go out and seek for oneself. We rarely wake up one morning and realize that we suddenly have no choice but to spend the next fifteen years caring for a hospice patient. Parents, on the other hand, experience something very much like that [in terms of level of commitment].

I think people can live full, meaningful, deeply satisfying lives without children. I think it's harder, even as the childless life tends to be easier in terms of material costs, flexibility, personal autonomy, and emotional burdens. The moral hazards faced by those who have the luxury of being able, if they choose, to think only of their own wants and needs, are considerable. I think it's hard to become truly adult without taking on the responsibility, the actual duty and obligation, of caring for others.

Speaking for myself: I think being a parent is the only thing I've done that will outlast me in any meaningful way. In those moments when I wonder what contribution I've made to the world, it certainly isn't the millions of lines of code I've written that I think about. It isn't the acts of service to my friends and community, or the handful of missions I support. For me it's overwhelmingly the knowledge that I raised, shaped, and launched into the world six children, and that whatever mistakes I made (and I've made plenty), I gave them the most security and assurance of love I knew how to provide, and that, upon a moment of reflection, they'll realize that my commitment to them was absolute.

In summary, I strongly encourage everyone to have children. Those who don't I hope will actively pursue opportunities to sacrifice their time and their hearts in service to others (as I believe you have done, Susan), because the alternative seems, to me, to be ultimately unsatisfying. Those who choose (and are able to choose) parenting will take on financial burdens, sacrifice freedom, invite exposure to emotional pain and stress, and give up countless opportunities to have fun.

In exchange, they'll be guaranteed a life of purpose and meaning. Few will regret the trade.

Love, Hank

I advise people to have children like Democrats vote: early and often.

But unlike Democrats, the payouts are in direct proportion to the investment: the more you invest of yourself into your children, the better the entire world is as a result.

Henry Racette (View Comment):

Susan,

Thank you for being brave enough to share your self-examination on such an important and personal subject.

I think most people with children are reluctant to discuss the pros and cons of parenthood with those who, for whatever reason, have not and never will have children of their own. I read your post (as I almost always do) and was persuaded by that reticence, until upon reflection I decided that the topic deserves to be discussed — that now, more than ever, it needs to be discussed.

I’m going to use this as an opportunity to express a few thoughts about parenthood, imagining my audience to be that growing population of young people who are considering committing themselves to a life without children.

I think healthy humans of at least normal capacities, once they have achieved the essentials for survival and basic security — the lower levels of the pyramid of wants and needs — require purpose, both to feel meaningful in their day-to-day lives and to have confidence, as they grow older, that there was a point to it all. For most of us, children provide a hard-wired sense of purpose, an assurance that we will be able to look back on our lives and believe that we made a lasting difference, left our mark on the world.

One can achieve that without children. One can commit oneself, as you have, to a life of service to others. That’s usually a deliberate act, something one has to go out and seek for oneself. We rarely wake up one morning and realize that we suddenly have no choice but to spend the next fifteen years caring for a hospice patient. Parents, on the other hand, experience something very much like that.

I think people can live full, meaningful, deeply satisfying lives without children. I think it’s harder, even as the childless life tends to be easier in terms of material costs, flexibility, personal autonomy, and emotional burdens. The moral hazards faced by those who have the luxury of being able, if they choose, to think only of their own wants and needs, are considerable. I think it’s hard to become truly adult without taking on the responsibility, the actual duty and obligation, of caring for others.

Speaking for myself: I think being a parent is the only thing I’ve done that will outlast me in any meaningful way. In those moments when I wonder what contribution I’ve made to the world, it certainly isn’t the millions of lines of code I’ve written that I think about. It isn’t the acts of service to my friends and community, or the handful of missions I support. For me it’s overwhelmingly the knowledge that I raised, shaped, and launched into the world six children, and that whatever mistakes I made (and I’ve made plenty), I gave them the most security and assurance of love I knew how to provide, and that, upon a moment of reflection, they’ll realize that my commitment to them was absolute.

In summary, I strongly encourage everyone to have children. Those who don’t I hope will actively pursue opportunities to sacrifice their time and their hearts in service to others (as I believe you have done, Susan), because the alternative seems, to me, to be ultimately unsatisfying. Those who choose (and are able to choose) parenting will take on financial burdens, sacrifice freedom, invite exposure to emotional pain and stress, and give up countless opportunities to have fun.

In exchange, they’ll be guaranteed a life of purpose and meaning. Few will regret the trade.

Love,
Hank

I am so deeply touched by your sharing your thoughts, Hank. I can't tell you how much that means to me, that it is so beautifully crafted and is so genuine. And it's all true. Thanks so much. Love back.

iWe (View Comment):

I advise people to have children like Democrats vote: early and often.

But unlike Democrats, the payouts are in direct proportion to the investment: the more you invest of yourself into your children, the better the entire world is as a result.

Your family is proof of this statement, @iWe. Thank you.