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We’ve probably all heard the stories about young adults who graduate from college and proceed to move into their parents’ basements. Supposedly these people can’t make a decent living (since they graduated with useless degrees), so they camp out with mom and dad. Or they’re not quite ready to be fully out on their own. I have no idea about their prospects for the future: will they ever grow up?
The question is important because these folks may eventually leave their parents, at least physically, but will they ever mature into responsible, self-sufficient, hard-working people? I ask the question, because I believe two social issues are intersecting to cause major issues for our children: these dependent adults aren’t taking full responsibility for raising their children in a productive and helpful way, because they are, quite simply, dependent. And their dependency, coupled with their reluctance to discipline their children and the dominance of social media, are developing children who are not only dependent like their parents, but who are depressed, anxious and addicted to their phones.
Recently much in-depth research has been shared about the dangers of social media on children. The outcomes of children spending hours on their smartphones are alarming:
When it comes to our young people and their mental health, the news is not good. Suicide is the second-leading cause of death for people under 24 in the U.S., and a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report last year found 20 percent of the country’s 12-17-year-olds had had at least one depressive episode—results unlike anything the CDC had seen in thirty years of collecting such data. Its director of adolescent and school health, Kathlee Ethie, called the findings ‘devastating.’ She said, ‘Young people are telling us they are in crisis. The data really call on us to act.’
From Jonathan Haidt's most recent book, The Anxious Generation, as well as the book he co-wrote with Greg Lukianoff, The Coddling of the American Mind, we learn the primary reasons behind this mental health crisis with young people. In an interview with Brian Kilmeade on Fox News, Haidt explains how we’ve arrived at this place: too much time on smartphones and indulging in social media. All the mental illnesses identified are caused, or at least exacerbated by, interactions on their phones. Instead of pursuing these debilitating activities, Haidt offers four norms for raising happy, productive children:
- Children shouldn’t be given smartphones before high school. If parents want them to have phones, they should be given flip phones.
- Teens should not be allowed to use social media before the age of 16.
- Children should not take their phones to school, or if they do, phones should be locked up first thing in the morning and only returned to students at the end of the school day.
- Parents need to stop hovering over their children and allow them more free play and time with their friends, just to “hang out.”
I suspect that Haidt also knows that trying to get parents to set limits for their children, many who themselves were raised in an overly dependent environment with helicopter parents, will be a serious challenge. He’s suggesting that parents now have to step into the adult world, and stop treating their children like their friends. They need to learn the importance of discipline, boundary management, setting time limits on phones, and stop being overly protective of their children. Stories of the past where children were kidnapped are rare; children can still search the internet on home computers for school assignments.
But parents must come out of their comfort zones. They must learn the importance of parenting their kids, who need to learn independence, how to take risks and to become confident in their own competence and worth.
It’s time for adults to finally become adults, and to let children be children.
Discussion (96)
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I'll suggest a #5 to Mr. Haidt's list: (5) Before you go outside the home, especially with your children, dress yourself as would an adult. If you're not sure what that is, ask an old person.
This may seem trivial and may seem off point but accepting the role of being an adult (especially when you don't feel all that adult-like to yourself) is part of being perceived as an adult by children (and others). Wearing the costumes of adulthood is comparatively easy, which can help parents to accept and act on other parts of that role.
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Excellent point, Bryan! I've seen those people (mostly women) who try to look like their kids, and I'm embarrassed for them. I wonder how the kids feel. Be a grown-up!
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I think another factor is the decline of teen jobs. It's becoming less common for teenagers to have paying jobs, which is another form of coddling: it's becoming expected that parents provide everything their kids need or want, with no expectation that the kids work for it. On top of that, the push for minimum wage to be a "living wage" means that the typical teenager job -- which was never intended to be a living wage -- is disappearing. Nobody should expect to support a family by flipping burgers; that should be a job for sixteen-year-olds.
I have a bachelor's degree and a master's degree, and I've worked as a professional for more than thirty years. And yet I can say that the most important lessons I ever learned about functioning in the workplace are things I learned during my years working at a theme park. Today it's more common for young people to graduate from college without having gained any practical experience of the world. I think that's even more important than the fact that their degrees are worthless.
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I saw a woman, probably in her 30's, in a grocery store wearing a tee shirt that said, "I can't adult today." My reaction was, just sad.
Now get off my lawn.
Just kidding about that last one.
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All excellent points, BXO. At 15 I had my first job as a counter girl at a dry cleaning store. I not only handled cash, had to demonstrate courtesy to customers, but they trusted me to close up shop on the days I worked. There's no way to duplicate the value of that experience.
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