Drone Warfare Breakthrough Announced

COLUMBUS, Ga.- Analysts believe a new breakthrough in military drone technology could lead to drones replacing infantry soldiers much more quickly than expected.

This past Friday night, at roughly 10:30 P.M. local time, a group of drones, unprompted, activated themselves and flew to Dippy Dottie’s, a dive bar on the outskirts of Columbus near Fort Benning, apparently after detecting a dollar Jello-shot promotion. The drones then proceeded to consume several of the shots and began fighting with each other, necessitating the involvement of military police from the nearby fort. The drones began fighting them on their arrival, and, once cornered, began producing lines of invective about the military police corps. When questioned the next morning, the drones were unable to remember what the fight was about.

Experts in drone warfare hailed the event as a breakthrough in the application of artificial intelligence to the battlefield. “We had long thought that of all the tasks of the modern infantryman, bar fights and getting into trouble with the military police would be some of the most difficult for artificial intelligence to master, so this new development is exciting,” said Howard Wolowitz, a Georgia Tech computer science professor who has consulted for the Defense Department. “We thought we were at least five to ten years away from drones getting hauled off by the MPs.” Wolowitz added that an analysis of the drones' response to the appearance of military police showed they had produced several completely unknown new expletives.

The drones have been confined to their quarters on Fort Benning. One drone, believed to be the group’s ringleader, was reduced in rank to a Roomba. A non-commissioned officer at Fort Benning, who asked not to be named, confirmed that the drones have been placed on extra duty. Still, it is unknown whether this is a reference to potential follow-up experiments to build on this weekend’s breakthrough.