In Defense of the Patriot Front (Satire. Not my real views. Don’t dox me, bro!)

I'm starting to feel bad for these guys in the Patriot Front.

Most any lunatic protesting in public or running for office as a Democrat receives all kinds of support on the interwebs. I mean, there's even one who has a Nazi tattoo, mocks rape victims and encourages suicide who has thousands of supporters on X (let alone on Blue Sky). But this organization resurfaces in the nation's capital to march around on July 4th, and suddenly the media is fretting over a race-obsessed identitarian group.

But no one wants to claim support for the Patriot Front. The left claims this is a right-wing operation and the right claims it's a left-wing psyop. No one will claim them for their own. Come on, they're antisemitic. That's the number one qualification for a Democratic office these days. You'd expect the DNC to be asking these guys to lead rallies.

And sure, it's said they are racists and that's bad.

But perhaps we should look at the positive side of the Patriot Front.

Ten Most Excellent Things About the Patriot Front:

1. They're trying to prevent the spread of disease with those cloth masks. Now, as we learned during the pandemic, cloth masks are the least effective form of PPE. I'd rather they were wearing KN95s, but they're trying.
2. They are not ashamed to brandish the American flag. This doesn't make them good guys, but it lifts them a notch in my book above police officers in Britain who arrest people for waving the Union Jack.
3. The creases in their khakis are sharp, which you may recall David Brooks cited as a reason Barack Obama should be president. These guys have the best quality of Mr. Hope and Change.
4. They support closed national borders. Just because their other views are wrong doesn't mean they're wrong about this. Stalin eventually agreed with us about Hitler, and we found a way to work with him for a time.
5. Their protests are not violent. They are therefore superior to Antifa and BLM.
6. They take public transportation. You'd expect white nationalists to use pickup trucks or box trucks. Trucks of some kind. But no, they use public transportation because they seem concerned about their carbon footprint.
7. According to the Southern Poverty Law Center, "Patriot Front focuses on theatrical rhetoric and activism that can be easily distributed as propaganda for its chapters across the country." In other words, they're theater kids. Who doesn't love theater kids? Don't let live theater die!
8. It is estimated that they have 300 members. You have to respect the results delivered by their PR department. One million pro-life marchers never received the publicity these guys get.
9. It's an organization where men can be with themselves. And yet they haven't faced a single lawsuit from women seeking inclusion. So many military academies and cigar clubs are jealous of their ability to get away with that.
10. Most of all, it may seem like a low bar, but this woman has no fear of being stabbed in the neck. (This post should in no way be considered an endorsement of this very stupid organization — one which happens to be less real than Antifa.)