Six Ways Our Culture Is Out of Touch with Kids’ Needs

Children growing up in the United States today are starving--for personal attention, for verbal interaction, for mundane daily enrichment that our generation grew up taking for granted. Yet there are too many things they are getting that they don't need:

1. Kids don't need unfettered technology access. About fifteen years ago, I was surprised to find that one of my daughter's friends had a VCR in which she could pop in any one of her wide selection of movies to view whenever she wanted. Movies should be a treat, I thought--a treat controlled by the parents to ensure that the child got exposure to other important aspects of life, such as playtime, chores, reading, interaction with family, and so on. The less time the kid sits slack-jawed in front of a monitor, the better. And the little girl's movie choices weren't inappropriate. I just thought leaving viewing time completely up to the child was a bad idea--the privilege would spoil her and leave less room for other, more important activities.

Fast forward a few years, and six-year-olds are wandering in public with tablets in front of their faces. Very young children are gifted with sophisticated devices for Christmas. The video game units for preteens were bad enough--now preschoolers are expected to know what to do with a tool that many grown-ups can't even manage for themselves. Restless toddlers at supermarkets and restaurants are assuaged with their parents' iPhones. These children don't even understand what they are holding in their hands. They can't truly appreciate it, and they aren't really learning what life is like when interacting with a glossy user interface. The negative effects of missing true learning opportunities, as well as being academically, socially, and emotionally neglected by their parents, outweigh the much lauded "digital native" phenomenon.

2. Teens and pre-teens don't need smartphones. The first ripple I saw of the upcoming wave of personal devices for adolescents was when I was substituting in a fifth-grade classroom and instructed to collect a couple of phones from students and release the phones at the end of the day. Now it seems that most older children have smartphones--models nicer than my own--and schools are busy trying to deal with the fallout. Do they weave phone use into classroom instruction, forbid any visible personal devices at school, or provide a transparent shoe holder for each student's phone at the beginning of each class?

In the late 20-teens, my daughters were reporting that no matter how many times the wifi password at the high school was changed, students somehow wrangled it out and happily continued playing "Clash of Clans" during the school day. Without parental supervision, kids are staying up late (because of course they are--adults have a hard time shutting off their laptops at bedtime), getting involved in cruel online drama, being influenced by insidious ideas (even anorexia has a fan club with "inspo" messages for those who are struggling to keep up with the lifestyle), developing porn habits, and feeling more self-conscious about their looks than ever before. Parents who want their children to have a social and academic edge can purchase a cumbersome flip phone or a device that limits activity to calling and texting family members. That way, they're not handing them communication modes with poisonous edges.

3. Children don't need to be watching movies made for adults. Americans are light years out of touch about what movies are okay for kids (and Hollywood often seems clueless about what does and does not belong in kids' productions). Back when the video rental store was a thing, I was browsing when several boys about nine years old started an enthusiastic discussion about the movies in the horror section. The gist of it was that they'd already seen Nightmare on Elm Street and others in that genre--what were they going to watch that night? A mom showed up and helped them narrow down their choice. Another time, coming out of an intense Planet of the Apes franchise film, I seem to have heard a mom asking a small child--three years old or so--what he thought. He said that he "didn't like the monkeys."

What's going on here? Why is it necessary to push big scary movies on our progeny? Is there not enough Disney fare available (if kids have to watch something)? Many of us remember being tender as children. Little things frightened us, like being in our dark bedroom at night and thinking about that black vacuum between the floor and the bed. A ghost story could haunt us for months. Toddlers are petrified of people masquerading as their formerly favorite cartoon characters. Maybe some adults don't remember or don't think about what it was like to be a child, and this unawareness dulls their judgment. But rather than exposing children to the darkest and most horrifying entertainment churned out by the movie industry, parents need to be protecting their kids, providing a secure "bubble" where they can grow and develop.

4. Kids don't need to constantly have movies playing. The ubiquitous on-screen entertainment in every venue bothers me deeply. Again, I think corporations and staff members making decisions about content for kids just aren't thinking. Children, candy, and movies go together. So you'll get an attractive play room where little ones can climb, jump, interact with toys, and look at books, and inevitably some Disney offering will be playing in the background, with a young customer or two transfixed. Come on, restaurant play places, doctor's office waiting rooms, and daycare drop-offs: Get creative. Ditch the screens--do it for our kids.

5. Children don't need to be deluged with candy and sweet snacks. Two things are going on here: first, there are well-intentioned grown-ups who love to relate to kids by handing out candy. (Grandparents, that's probably your privilege. I'm not talking to you.) Candy-givers are random school staff or someone else who just (innocently) loves kids and relies on sweets for that easy connection. A much better idea than being the candy king is to just briefly talk to a child: "I noticed you . . ." "What book are you reading right now?" Kids revel in positive adult attention and grow under that light.

The sweet snacks disguise themselves as healthy alternatives: "fruit snacks," fruit leather, diced peaches in syrup. So much of what is marketed to kids is loaded with sugar. And yet fruit snacks still seem to be a popular choice for those responsible for purchasing what children are going to eat to tide themselves over between meals. Just call it all candy. And then switch it up now and then for an honest chocolate chip cookie.

6. Our kids don't need to be told that they're smart. I see examples online where a child asks a couple of astute questions and the adult's first reaction is, "Oh, you're so smart." There are plenty of ways to praise a child without telling him something that will go to his head and set him apart from his peers, as well as foster unhealthy perfectionism to avoid looking anything other than "smart." How about "You worked hard on that"? Or, "I noticed how you carefully filled in all the details on this." "That extra attention and care is really going to help you." "That's a real strength of yours." There are dozens of healthy alternatives to lavishing a "smart" label on young people.

What else are we as a culture giving our children that they don't need? Or what do they need that we aren't giving them?