Slip Slidin’ Away

Lately I’ve been in a bit of a snit, and anyone would have to admit I have good reason for my crankiness: the attacks in Gaza and by Iran on Israel, the fecklessness of our legislature, a president who is frightening in his ineptness and cluelessness. Those are enough “nesses” to put anyone in a bad mood. And yet, I usually manage to pull myself out of my annoyance by remembering how much I have to be grateful for.

It wasn’t working this time.

Now, my family has a history of depression, so that reminder always lingers in the background. And in spite of my increasingly good health, I do have some aches and pains. But none of that rose to the level of dis-ease that I’ve been experiencing.

This morning, I finally figured it out.

I’m getting old. Not just older, but old.

I used to be a person who was a quick learner; when I learned something new, it usually stuck with me without a whole lot of effort. I used to be able to concentrate through long texts and grasp new ideas with ease. I’ve always been pretty good with names, and although my overall writing vocabulary pales in comparison with some of our other writers on Ricochet, a word I’m searching for usually “shows up” (or I try the synonym search in Word).

But I’m finding that only old and familiar things come easily anymore.

It annoys me. And it scares me.

I finally realized what I was experiencing through a new endeavor I’ve been working on. I signed up to volunteer for Convention of States and I’m very glad I did. Except that the learning curve has been daunting. I’ve been writing blog posts that address the U.S. issues of the day; topics can sometimes be a challenge, but there are so many appalling happenings in this country that I expect I won’t run out of subjects for a while. And my experience of how to format posts on Ricochet has gone a long way toward helping me feel less uncomfortable in a new environment.

But the format is new and intimidating and sometimes overwhelming.

The people at COS have been extremely kind and helpful and assure me that I’m doing well. But I don’t feel like I’m doing well. I feel as if I’m slogging along, frustrated with my lack of retention and the speed with which I’m learning. At the same time, I know that I’m overreacting to my experience, but that understanding is not always reassuring.

I finally realized this morning that my brain is not as adept as it was 20 years ago at learning new things. Of course, learning new things is precisely what will exercise my brain. But I’m spoiled about my past experience, and uneasy about my current inability to adapt.

I shared my unease with a person who has been coaching me with COS, and she was wonderful. She’s about my age, very bright and helpful, and she reassured me that she knew just what I was talking about, and added a few of her own struggles. And once again she assured me that I was doing a great job, and she was always glad to help. And I came away with a more positive and optimistic perspective.

My goal is to settle in to understanding and appreciating my current reality, and enjoying all that life has to offer.

Still, I can’t help feeling like a part of me, not just my brain, but who I am as a person, is slip slidin’ away.

If you’d like to share your own challenges, please do.