From the Columbia University Alumni Association, Spring 2025

Dear Fellow Alumni:

As you know, it has been an eventful spring at our beloved alma mater! The campus has been enjoying the high-spirited shenanigans and mischievous pranks that traditionally precede the end of our academic year.

This year’s Alumni Association Tomfoolery Prize was awarded to the Critical Studies Collective for burning down the Hillel Center. Afterward, city fire authorities insisted on giving the Collective a stern talking-to. But good feelings were immediately restored by the university’s Trauma Healing Department (formerly the Campus Police Department), who swooped in with stuffed animals and chocolate milk for all!

But not everything at Columbia is high-jinks and horseplay. Our university faces challenges that call for the help of our generous alumni.

First, there have been unusually large maintenance expenses which are an unavoidable result of the right of free speech. These include the costs of debris removal and decontamination, along with excavating what remains of Butler Library.

Also, a class action lawsuit has been brought by a handful of disgruntled former students who claim to have somehow been offended by the continued postponement of classes and other campus activities. Although the case is obviously frivolous, our attorneys assure us that it can resolved in return for an estimated eight-figure settlement. Or nine, tops!

Each of us should consider making at least a modest contribution – no more than what you might pay for, say, a summer in Tuscany or a month’s skiing in Gstaad.

And don’t forget to order your football tickets so you can cheer for our beloved Lions this fall!

Although some opposing teams have been dropped from the schedule due to their failure to meet Columbia’s standards of fair play (i.e., a policy of affirmatively recruiting diverse team members without discrimination as to size, athletic ability, or interest in the rules of football), it’s going to be a great season!