Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Sue Hamas

With the most recent images coming out of Gaza, the four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT), Donatello, Michelangelo, Raphael and Leonardo, have announced a class-action lawsuit against Hamas for copyright infringement. The lawsuit seeks $4.3 billion dollars in punitive damages for immeasurable reputational damage.

WenYur, Wright, Yurite & Partners, the plaintiffs’ lawyers, explained, “Hamas borrowed heavily from the TMNT’s look - including the dominant use of green, knee pads, face masks, comically over-the-top stances and obvious overeating. Obviously, like TMNT, they are attempting to appeal to children as these provide most of their recruits.”

To learn more about this case, this reporter interviewed the TMNTs in their underground lair. During that interview, Leonardo explained, “Dude, we live in sewers, they live in tunnels. We are led by a rat who tells us what to do. They are led by rats who tell them what to do. We eat pizza with anchovies, they eat pizza with dolphin and, yeah, sea turtle!”

Michelangelo edged him aside and added, “Cowabunga! Right! We were born from an experiment that went wrong while they’re a side effect of another failed experiment — something called Oslo.”

Raphael then chimed in, “Yeah, except instead of rescuing the girl, they rape her, shoot her dog, and hold her hostage.”

Donatello concluded, “It’s like Hamas is an evil multi-verse version of us! Except they're not in the multi-verse. They’re right here!”

Legal experts reached for comment suggested that the lawsuit has a high chance of success, especially as TMNT emerged in the 1980s, before Hamas. One former judge explained, “One of Raphael’s most famous sayings was: ‘You’re flying too close to the bull and you’re gonna get stung.’ It is like Hamas has been trying to demonstrate the truth of this entire line of reasoning.”

Unlike many Middle East commentators, this reporter sought comment from both sides of the conflict. However, due to a string of successful Israeli assassinations, we faced challenges identifying the latest leader of Hamas. Eventually, though, somebody was reached. However, he was too busy shredding documents to conduct an interview.

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