Thoughts Related to Death and Dying

Yesterday, we had a memorial service for my Mother, Mary Rutter, who passed away on Tuesday, June 4th after some serious health issues. (Here is a link to her obituary.) As I move through the busy steps of taking care of business associated with her death, I want to share a few observations with you.

First, Mom took her work seriously. She was super-smart, and received a bacteriology degree and a master's in Public Health Administration. She worked at the Texas Department of Health reference lab for nearly 30 years. I followed in her steps, and those of my dad, becoming a long-time public employee myself. One of the things I loved doing as a Governor’s Office employee was getting her the attached letter from my boss as she retired. She taught me that work was not our identity or purpose but it was worth doing well.

Second, our family was blessed by all the careful decisions she made as she aged. She sold her house when it became a burden (after a friend advised her to do so while she was healthy enough to take care of it), she chose to move from Austin to Plano to be nearer to our family when she wanted to change senior living facilities, she turned over the keys to her car when she no longer felt safe driving and chose to move to assisted living after a series of falls. She prepared by leaving us a completed will, powers of attorney, clear DNR directives, and even guidance on her memorial service — “Keep it short,” she wrote. My bride will tell you I didn’t inherit my Mom’s organizational skills, but her example has encouraged me to be more purposeful about future planning.

Finally, I note that many people have chosen a profession that has them working with and around older people, often with dementia that distorts personalities. Dozens of people have helped my Mom with basic living functions, in addition to her health care. They did so even as she became involuntarily unpleasant and argumentative. Those who accept this calling —like middle schoolers teachers — are a true gift and worthy of celebration. If you encounter such people as they help members of your family, make sure they know how much you appreciate their good work.

I am blessed to work with colleagues who have supported me as I have spent time with Mom in recent years. Death is a part of Life, so we have to find ways of talking about it honestly if sensitively, and give space to each other as all of us work through the challenges of the many phases of life—joy and loss, grief and success, difficulties and ease.