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I never make the mistake of arguing with people for whose opinions I have no respect--Edward Gibbon When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself. --Mark Twain
These quotations were so powerful that I refused to pick one over the other. But both have to do with a greatly misunderstood and underappreciated value: respect.
The most serious confusion surfaces for people who feel they must respect certain people: their parents, their bosses, their pastors, their teachers, and even law enforcement. It’s true that having relationships with these people is easier and more rewarding when we respect them, but there is a big difference between respecting them and behaving respectfully toward them. People must earn your respect, and if they act in ways that are deplorable and hurtful, or even disrespectful, you do not owe them respect. But due to their positions in relation to you, I believe you are required to act respectfully, or at least in consideration of the ramifications if you don’t.
What does behaving respectfully mean? Mostly, it means being polite. It means avoiding angry behavior such as raising your voice, or speaking sarcastically. Some would say that it’s acting like a mensch.
Although you could say that these nasty people have not even earned respectful behavior, the actions you take will reflect on you. Can you act like a decent human being when you encounter ugliness? Can you momentarily put aside your grievances and act decently? Nothing is accomplished if you attack other people, except for your feeling momentarily powerful and earning their rejection and criticism. And it leads to questioning your own respect for yourself. If you have a boss or a pastor or any other person who is intolerable, it’s worth asking yourself if you’re in the wrong place. Are you prepared to leave a relationship where disrespect toward you is unacceptable?
We are called to have relationships with people we can respect. Try to make choices that honor that calling.
Discussion (23)
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Usually.
Stop laughing!
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We respect people who have attained personal excellence either in some public endeavor (athlete, writer, inventor) or in personal virtue. People who behave as if they are living a code or on a very real mission to do and be good also have a certain perspective and innate wisdom we tend to recognize and seek to borrow, especially when we were still kids.
All of the above requires standards, norms, higher values. When ideology replaces that, virtue, truth, and excellence can come to be treated as liabilities. When art is no longer about beauty intelligible to everyone but is instead whatever powerful critics tell us it is, is a microcosm of academia, journalism, and all else divorced from real human values and made to serve ideological idols. Respect requires some recognizable attachment to innately valuable human truths and qualities. When society is at war with that truth and human nature, respect is merely deference to power.
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I think the OP makes a correct distinction between behaving respectfully and giving respect. For example, one may hold a very low opinion of the president or any office holder, rant against them in rallies, talk against them in conferences. But when you are with them as they perform their official duties, you render respect to the office. That is why Pelosi's tearing up the her copy of the State of the Union speech knowing she was on camera was actually outrageous. And why Obama's calling out the Supreme Court in his SOTU speech was outrageous as well. Trump was giving a report the President was called upon by the Constitution to render. Supreme Court's render opinions based on their majority (or greater) view of the requirements of the Constitution. Belittling the individuals in those setting belittle their offices. Stump speeches and press conferences that decry policies or decisions are fine. But using an official occasion to visibly disrespect someone is never correct (IMO).
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Very well said Susan. This resonates with me. Most of our neighbors are great, but there are a couple who have been repeatedly disrespectful to me. There is not reason for it because I don't encounter them often - but I still treat them with respect but no longer go out of my way to speak to them. It's bizarre really - there are clearly head issues with them.
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I was appalled at those incidents. Totally inappropriate.
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