Preparing for the Upcoming Civil War

It's important to settle the critical questions first. What Civil War beard are you going to grow? Let's go through the options.

Let's start with the obvious. Ambrose Burnside. Desperate as they were for general officers, you couldn't get a commission without whiskers, but there's only one man who's lent his name to the style of facial hair. Let me tell you, it takes something to look at Martin Van Buren and say, "I can do one better." If you think you've got the sideburn game to take this guy on go ahead. There's no shame in losing to the best.

Slipping south of the Potomac, let's take a look at Braxton Bragg. Why him? A few reasons. One, given that name, he may be the secret identity for a supervillain. Two, he's clearly using that beard to balance out those eyebrows. I'm not saying that he could beat Leonid Brezhnev, I'm just relieved to know we've got someone in that weight class. Three, he shows off what could be considered the general issue beard. Full whiskers, some amount of pointiness, and an optionally defined mustache. Let's take a look at a row of generals to see this in action:

That's Pope, Longstreet, A.P. Hill, Sedgwick, Meade, and Hood, respectively, showing that the standard beard shows no sectional preference. Sedgwick, by the way, has a claim on being the greatest of hipsters. He's got the beard, he got there a hundred and fifty years before anyone else, and one can only wish that modern hipsters shared his level of commitment to irony.

If you want a particularly elegant version of the Civil War beard, look no further than Robert E. Lee himself. You need to ask yourself before adopting this particular beard, "Do I have the equipoise to pull this off?" No. No, you do not.

Moving back North, let's take a quick look at Grant. On the right you have Grant as he was equipped in 1861, opting for the least pointy of standard Civil War beards. As of 1864, he looked like the Grant on the left, having to field strip that magnificence for tactical combat. Perhaps he got that idea from General Sherman.

Sherman is a man who clearly scowled so much that his face stuck that way. His beard is an excellent choice if you intend to spend this next Civil War showing Antifa what it really means to burn cities.

There's no getting through a discussion of Civil War beards without mentioning the Great Emancipator himself, Abraham Lincoln — the only man who ever lived that was so ugly his looks were improved by adding a chin beard.

His counterpart in Richmond, on the other hand, seems to have leaned into it. "I know I'm ugly, and I'm going to wear this ridiculous little chin tuft because you're the one who has to look at it, not me." I've heard Jefferson Davis described as aristocratically handsome, which I think means he's too important to call ugly. Kind of like being rich enough to be eccentric.

While we're talking about partially shaved looks, I suppose it's time to bring up Nathan Bedford Forrest. He uses an expanded goatee to balance out the haircut he stole from an Oompa Loompa. It's a good look if you want to use extreme competence to make up for an absolutely reprehensible personal life.

On the other hand, if you don't have the competence, you could try and balance out lesser personal faults with a pair of sideburns like Fighting Joe Hooker. Personally, I think those are all that remained after he shriveled when he came face to face with Ambrose Burnside. Burnside's muttonchops fed on the energy of lesser sideburns.

We covered the standard Civil War beard up above. If you're more of a mustache guy, then we've got you covered too. Your general issue mustache is bushy up top with a soul patch on the chin.

That's Morgan, McClellan, Sheridan, Beauregard, and Custer there. As you can see, you have options for sculpting the mustache. If you don't want the chin hair you could go with the Albert Sidney Johnston look:

There's a mustache that says, "If you're going to insist on carding me every time I buy liquor, then I'm going to complete the farce by growing the fakest-looking mustache I possibly can."

Maybe it's just me, but, ceteris paribus, I'd expect Southerners to have shaved more neatly than the kinds of Union boys who have actually experienced winter. We'll close out with three more rebs who've grown beards of note.

Let's look at Jubal Early. He seems to have taken your general issue beard and squished it down and out into something that can only be described as whiskers.

Then there's Stonewall Jackson. It's a fine beard, but it isn't enough to distract from the crazy eyes. If the bluecoats were scared of Ol' Blue Light and his Stonewall brigade, well, they had reason to be.

Finally, while the preponderance of cavalry stars in the mustache row seems to indicate that you want less beard for less wind resistance, we've got Jeb Stuart to disprove that theory.

Magnificient. Simply magnificent.

There you go: a quick survey of the beards of the Civil War. As for me, I'm going to be growing out a Longstreet. Perhaps a bit pointier. There are plenty of other beards worthy of mention here, and I don't pretend to be an expert. Have I missed any of note? Let me know in the comments.