If I Wrote One of Those Old Larry King USA Today Columns

Larry King used to write zany stream-of-consciousness columns for USA Today. Norm MacDonald used to love reading them. Apparently, Carson saved them in his desk drawer because he got a kick out of them too. Now, I’m no Larry King. (I’ve never even had a trophy wife.) I’m no Norm or Johnny either, but it sure seemed like Larry had fun with those columns, so I thought I might, too.

Is everyone suffering a post-Pride Month depression? It sneaks up on you and then it’s over so fast.

We have Pride Month already. How about Gluttony Month? Have you seen these people walking around?

I wonder if anyone is thinking of a new switcheroo, or if we are going to keep using the old one.

There are pool parlors, beauty parlors and pizza parlors, but just when you start thinking a parlor is awesome, you remember there are also funeral parlors.

For all his other faults, L. Ron Hubbard didn’t shtup Scientologist “parishioners,” a rare trait in a cult leader. (I guess Tee and Doe in the Heaven’s Gate cult didn’t either, but for my money, asking members to castrate themselves was a bridge too far.)

Before you go back in time to kill baby Hitler, consider baby Karl Marx first. You can always get Adolf on the way back to the present.

I’ve made it this far without ever learning a single card game, and I’m not starting now.

Who looks more like an opossum, George Jones or Vladimir Putin?

If you eat a spoonful of peanut butter and then drink black coffee, the coffee will temporarily taste like a cheap hot dog.

To be fair to Trump, that color isn’t really orange... or are my eyes just deceiving me?

The Beach Boys had only one avid surfer. Neither of the Carpenters built houses. Stephen Foster never traveled to the South. However, Muddy Waters WAS a hoochie-coochie man.

The are some unspoken rules of potato chips, and I feel like Pringles®️ has violated a number of them.

Are there lower-level honchos?

I get annoyed when people refer to “Charlie” Manson like he’s their racquetball partner. Ditto “Bobby” Kennedy.

Is Winnie the only Pooh? Are there other Poohs? Do I have to fill out a lot of forms if I want to become a Pooh?

Clint Howard is not conventionally handsome.

Of all the mints, wintergreen is the dark horse.

If something is understandable, does that mean it is not derstandable?

The greatest invention of the 20th Century? The 21st Century!

I am convinced that at some point in the distant past, Mark Harmon and Tom Cruise were the same person. I’m not sure when it happened, but one became two people. Harmon got the better end of the deal - Pam Dawber.

I feel the pressure on my brain has been relieved a tad. Have a great weekend, America!