International Relations as Explained by College Football

Any comparison of college football teams to the nations of the world must start with Rutgers, which is to college football what Greece is to Western civilization. They invented it, but they’ve been pretty mediocre for a while. As for the rest:

The Big Ten

Ohio State and Michigan combined are the United States. They are a superpower that is poised to dominate for the foreseeable future, but mostly focused on bickering among themselves and moaning that it’s all about to collapse. Michigan State is Canada, best known for alternately annoying and cooperating with the neighboring superpower. Minnesota is Australia: friendly people with funny accents, but nature is trying to kill you there and everyone lives in a couple of cities. Iowa is New Zealand: the smaller version of Minnesota/Australia, best known as the setting for a movie involving highbrow literature and ancient prophecies coming true (Field of Dreams/The Lord of the Rings).

Penn State is Japan. They were a big deal in the 1980s but haven’t been able to get to the top since, and were rocked by a major disaster in 2011. They were once run by an emperor whose followers thought was God. Oregon is China: a left-wing Pacific power that should be dominant on paper, but never quite gets there. This makes Oregon State into Taiwan, which was exiled from the mainstream through no fault of its own but still has right-thinking people’s sympathy.

Nebraska is the Netherlands: A flat land that once punched above its weight enough to be a great power, but its lack of population caught up with it.

Notre Dame is France. They used to be a superpower and are still relevant, but not nearly as important as they think they are. This puts USC and Miami in the role of Germany: Notre Dame/France’s rival/life partner who plays an important role in the global order, but occasionally gets over its skis and tries to take over the world.

Speaking of Miami and Notre Dame...

The ACC

Florida State is Iran. In the 1980s and 1990s, they had an elderly, devoutly religious leader and were quite intimidating. Now, they mostly just threaten revolution (developing a nuclear weapon, overthrowing the Islamic Republic, or leaving the ACC), while never following through with it. Clemson is Turkey; you can understand why they don’t want to be associated with their current crowd (the ACC or the Middle East), but they don’t really fit in anywhere else.

UNC is Russia: Their leader is an evil introvert in his seventies with a penchant for dressing down, and whose recent bold move has predictably backfired. Duke is Poland: They’re mainly motivated by hate and fear of UNC/Russia. They used to be a doormat and are willing to spend as much money as it takes to avoid being one again. UVA is Ukraine: They lasted a lot longer than expected this year, and they've become popular among our elite classes by reminding them of Thomas Jefferson.

Stanford is India. They're a nerdy Pacific Rim power with an exotic culture, and most of their allies are on the other side of the world. Cal is Pakistan. They indulge in anti-American rhetoric a lot and have a history of hiding terrorists, but they're more important to our defense establishment than anyone will ever admit, and they constantly threaten nuclear war with Stanford/India.

SMU is Argentina: They misbehaved in the 1980s, and their regime was replaced. Now they’re trying to return to their golden age by aligning with an institution based in the mid-Atlantic states (the US government or the ACC).

Georgia Tech is Egypt: densely populated, renowned for engineering and feats in ancient times, but now mostly overshadowed by dramatic events among its neighbors.

The SEC

Alabama is Great Britain. They got on everyone’s nerves back when they were a globe-spanning empire, and they still get more media attention than they probably should. But it feels like something's off if they're not involved. LSU is Italy. Fascinating culture, great people, great food, probably would be a major power if its management wasn’t a complete basket case.

Vanderbilt is Sweden: small population, lots of money, benefits from being close to larger powers, was a crowd pleaser until an annoying little twerp (Diego Pavia or Greta Thunberg) couldn’t keep his/her mouth shut.

Florida is Mexico. Both have great weather and food but are prone to natural disasters, and were at their height when they combined murderous body art enthusiasts with devout Christians (Aaron Hernandez and Tim Tebow/the Aztecs and the conquistadores). Georgia is Spain: a storied, imperial dynasty with a glorious past that is threatened by inbreeding (Uga the Bulldog/the Habsburg dynasty) and known for its popular sweet beverage (Coca-Cola/sangria).

Texas is Brazil. They have a large land area and population base. They keep trying to become a superpower but falling short. All is forgiven once you see what their ranchers can do with beef.

Kentucky is Mongolia: They're only relevant in the winter and/or when horses are involved.

Ole Miss is South Africa: We’re glad they stopped being racist, but they haven’t been the same since.

The Big 12

BYU is Israel: an insular, religious community in the desert that will completely ruin your day if you mess with them. This makes Texas Tech into Saudi Arabia. In a land beset by oil money, religious fanaticism, funny headgear, and the Bush family, they should be mortal enemies (with BYU/Israel) but get along surprisingly well.

Kansas and Missouri are Armenia and Azerbaijan. Nobody pays attention to them except for the fact that they absolutely hate each other for some reason.

Colorado is North Korea: scary until you realize they’re only good at drawing media attention and setting up the dictator’s son’s career. West Virginia is South Korea: a proud mountain people with a strong musical tradition (“Country Roads” or K-Pop) who can’t figure out how to keep their population from shrinking.

Finally, the Army-Navy Game is Greenland. It’s cold and in the far north, and its austere beauty has it on a lot of people’s bucket lists, but it’s only relevant because the president of the United States can’t stop talking about it.