A tortured genius moves from poetry to rap

Ren Gill is a hip-hop/rap artist who is unusual in that he is also a classically trained musician who plays guitar, bass guitar, and piano. In my view, he's also a genius. If you know his work, I suspect that you likely agree with my assessment. If not, allow me to explain.

Ren was born and raised in Wales. He became obsessed with music when his Dad gave him a guitar at the age of 10. His music education and career were repeatedly interrupted by medical problems. He spent much of his 20s in bed, feeling hopeless and miserable, which he describes as a tortuous experience that left him with PTSD. He was later diagnosed with Lyme disease, which he says continues to plague him in the form of autoimmune problems, digestive problems, and crippling emotional problems. Another significant setback was the suicide of a close friend, which affected him deeply. Ren continues to struggle with his health and is currently in Mexico receiving experimental treatments.

Listening to the lyrics of his music, I think he's a smoking genius. Just out of sight brilliant. He also had emotional problems, even in his youth. He heard voices in his head throughout his childhood. He says that even at the time, he didn't understand how these voices came from within him, but he seemed to have no input in what they said. And everything they said was negative and critical. He would sometimes scream back at the voices, in his head. In addition to these auditory hallucinations, he's had occasional visual hallucinations. So Lyme disease may not have helped, and his friend's suicide may not have helped, but he's clearly had emotional problems for most of his life. Which is tragic. But he has used his struggles as inspiration for some remarkable music.

His best-known piece is "Hi Ren," in which he struggles against his emotional problems and his own self-loathing. It really is remarkable. It's a solo, just him singing while playing acoustic guitar. No accompaniment, no percussion. I've not heard anything quite like it.

I hope you watch it. It's sort of long, at nine minutes. And it contains a few obscenities. But it's well, well worth your time. This is a rare example of a music video as true art. Seriously.

It's refreshingly simple - just a guy and a guitar - no autotune, no synthetic drum beat, no razzle-dazzle mixing. It's also refreshingly complicated, as a brilliant mind tiptoes on the edge of insanity as he wrestles with fear and self-doubt.

For those who won't watch the video, I'll post the lyrics below. But please watch the video - you'll thank me:

Read the comments below his video in YouTube. This song had an enormous impact on a lot of people. Many credit him with saving their lives. Not the typical impact of a music video. Amazing.

The two Rens have a lot to say in this song. The lyrics are easier to understand in his performance, since it's not easy to tell who is who in the printed word. But as promised, here are the lyrics:

Hi there Ren, it's been a little while, did you miss me?
You thought you'd buried me, didn't you? Risky
'Cause I always come back, deep down, you know that
Deep down, you know I'm always in the periphery

Ren, aren't you pleased to see me?
It's been weeks since we spoke bro, I know you need me
You're the sheep, I'm the shepherd, not your place to lead me
Not your place to be biting off the hand that feeds me

Hi Ren, I've been taking some time to be distant
I've been taking some time to be still
I've been taking some time to be by myself
Since my therapist told me I'm ill

And I've been making some progress lately
And I've learnt some new coping skills
So I haven't really needed you much, man
I think we need to just step back and chill

Ren, you sound more insane than I do
You think that those doctors are really there to guide you?
You've been through this a million times
Your civilian mind is so perfect at always being lied to

Okay, take another pill boy
Drown yourself in the sound of white noise
Follow this ten-step program, rejoice
All your problems will be gone! F***in' dumb boy

Nah, mate, this time it's different, man, trust me
I feel like things might be falling in place
And my music's been kinda doing bits too
Like I actually might do something great

And when I'm gone, maybe I'll be remembered
For doing something special with myself
That's why I don't think that we should talk, man
'Cause when you're with me, it never seems to help

You think that you can amputate me?
I am you, you are me, you are I, I am we
We are one, split in two that makes one, so you see
You got to kill you if you wanna kill me

I'm not left over dinner, I'm not scraps on the side
Oh, your music is thriving? Delusional guy
Where's your top ten hit? Where's your interview with Oprah?
Where are your Grammies, Ren? Nowhere!

Yeah, but, my music's not commercial like that
I never chased numbers, statistics or stats
I never write hooks for the radio, they never even play me
So why would I concern myself with that?
But my music is really connecting
And the people who find it, respect it
And for me, that's enough 'cause this life's been tough
So it gives me a purpose I can rest in

Man, you sound so pretentious
Ren, your music is so self-centred
No one wants to hear another song about
How much you hate yourself, trust me
You should be so lucky, having me inside you to guide you
Remind you to manage expectations
Provide you perspective, that thing you neglected, I get it
You wanna be a big deal, next Jimi Hendrix? Forget it

Man, it's not like that
Man it's just like that, I'm inside you, you [REDACTED]
No, it's not man, you're wrong, when I write, I belong
Let me break the fourth wall by acknowledging this song

Ren sits down, has a stroke of genius
He wants to write a song that was not done previous
A battle with his subconscious, Eminem did it
Played on guitar, Plan B did it

Man, you're not original, you criminal, rip-off artist
The pinnacle of your success is stealing other people's material
Ren, mate, we've heard it all before
Uh, "she sells seashells on the sea shore"

[REDACTED] you, I don't need you, I don't need to hear this
'Cause I'm fine by myself, I'ma genius
And I will be great, and I will make waves
And I'll shake up the whole world beneath us

That's right, speak your truth, your f***in' God complex leaks out of you
It's refreshing to actually hear you say it instead of downplay it
"Ugh, music Is all about the creative process and if people can find
Something to relate to within that, then that's just a bonus"

F*** you, I'ma f***in' kill you, Ren
Well f***in' kill me then, let's f***in' have you Ren
I'm a do it, watch me prove it, who are you to doubt my music?
'Cause I call the shots. I choose if you die
Yeah, I call the shots, and so I who choose who survives
I'll tie you up in knots when I'll lock you inside

News flash
I was created at the dawn of creation
I am temptation, I am the snake in Eden
I am the reason for treason, beheading all Kings
I am sin with no rhyme or reason
Sun of the morning, Lucifer, antichrist
Father of lies, Mestophilies
Truth in a blender, deceitful pretender
The banished avenger, the righteous surrender

When standing in-front of my solar eclipse
My name it is stitched to your lips, so, you see
I won't bow to the will of a mortal, feeble and normal
You wanna kill me? I'm enteral, immortal
I live in every decision that catalysed chaos
That causes division
I live inside death, the beginning of ends
I am you, you are me, I am you, Ren

Hi Ren, I've been taking some time to be distant
I've been taking some time to be still
I've been taking some time to be by myself
And I've spent half my life ill

But just as sure as the tide starts turning
Just as sure as the night has dawn
Just as sure as rainfall soon runs dry
When you stand in an eye of the storm

I was made to be tested and twisted
I was made to be broken and beat
I was made by His hand, it's all part of His plan
That I stand on my own two feet
And you know me, my will is eternal
And you know me, you've met me before
Face-to-face with a beast, I will rise from the east
And I'll settle on the ocean floor

And I go by many names also
Some people know me as "hope"
Some people know me as the voice that you hear
When you loosen the noose on the rope
And you know how I know that I'll prosper?
'Cause I stand here beside you today
I have stood in the flames that cremated my brain
And I didn't once flinch or shake

So cower at the man I've become, when I sing from the top of my lungs
That I won't retire, I'll stand in your fire, inspire the weak to be strong
And when I am gone, I will rise in the music that I left behind
Ferocious, persistent, immortal like you, we're a coin with two different sides

When I was 17 years old, I shouted out into an empty room
Into a blank canvas, that I would defeat the forces of evil
And for the next ten years of my life, I suffered the consequences
With autoimmunity, illness, and psychosis

As I got older, I realised that there were no real winners
And there were no real losers in physiological warfare
But there were victims and there were students
It wasn't David versus Goliath, it was a pendulum
Eternally swayin' from the dark to the light
And the more intensely that the light shone, the darker the shadow it cast

It was never really a battle for me to win, it was an eternal dance
And like a dance, the more rigid I became, the harder it got
The more I cursed my clumsy footsteps, the more I struggled
So I got older and I learned to relax
And I learned to soften and that dance got easier

It is this eternal dance that separates human beings
From angels, from demons, from gods
And I must not forget, we must not forget
That we are human beings

As I said, he's classified as a rap artist. But this is really, REALLY different stuff. I'm not exactly sure what it is.

But it's brilliant. Ren Gill is a genius.

Maybe there's hope for modern music. Heck, maybe there's even hope for rap as an art form (a sentence I would have laughed at before I saw this video).

I hope there is hope for Ren Gill. He clearly struggles with his demons and his physical health. I hope he finds peace. But I worry about him. That brain would be a very challenging place to live.

Hang in there, buddy. I hope your life gets better.

And thanks for the music. It made my life better.

Thanks very much.

****************

Post script:

The suicide of his friend led him to record a beautiful song called "For Joe". It highlights his piano playing and composition skills. And it is a heart-wrenching tribute to his friend:

For those who wondered about the line in "Hi Ren" which seemed plopped out of nowhere, "Uh, "she sells seashells on the sea shore," references another one of his songs. Also very clever. A sort of rap version of a cynical view of modern financial markets. Or something. If you're interested: