Crossing Lines into Apathy

We all have a line. One we don't want crossed by friend, enemy, relative, or spouse. Such friends, enemies, relatives or spouses may or may not know about the line. But sometimes they do know, and out of love, respect, or fear will not cross that line. Responses to having that line crossed may be varied. The response may be anger, frustration, or withdrawal on our part. I believe one of the most dangerous responses is when we are driven to lose interest in the situation, and, ultimately, lose interest in the person. I have two examples that have occurred recently to friends of mine.

One friend was named medical and financial POA for her widowed father. He was in an assisted living facility two hours away from where she lived, so she allowed her brother to handle the finances. He, apparently jealous that he was not named POA, quickly became a bully regarding what she had to do, and how she had to 'step up.' I won't go into specifics, but it came to a point where whenever she would make the trip to visit her dad (twice a month), she would end up apologizing for her brother's behavior to staff — as he was always complaining about trivial things so he could deduct an amount from the bill.

Two months ago things came to a head and she was afraid her father would be asked to leave the facility due to her brother's belligerence. She began exploring options closer to where she lived. Her husband and I, and other relatives, had asked her why she put up with the bullying from her brother. She said she believed that this was what her mother would have wanted, to keep peace in the family. She found that by moving her father to her town, she would not only be able to visit him daily, but also save him around $5000 a month. Her brother and his wife were furious, and as she described, in a very intense phone call, stated he did not care who was POA, and she was not going to move their father. She told me they began "cussing her out" and she calmly told them the phone call was ended. Click.

This was the first time she had actually hung up on them, which a few days later occasioned a tearful apology call from the wife. My friend calmly told her that she was 'stepping up' and taking her responsibility of POA more seriously. However, it was that the line had been crossed. She disregarded anything the two of them said after the move. When they had visited the father in the new place, and asked her to meet them for lunch, she declined and said she was busy. When they gave her a list of 20 things (!) that needed to be changed in her father's small (now memory care) room, she just laughed. She told me, "I don't care. I don't care what they want me to do. I don't care what they do. I'm done with them." She used to keep up with their posts on Facebook and be interested in their children and grandchildren. Now, she just says, "I don't care what they are doing. I don't care what their kids are doing. I do not expect to ever see or talk to them after my father dies." She told me she is sleeping better and she feels liberated, that a burden has been lifted. Crossing that line into "I don't care" territory will eventually lead to an estrangement that will likely never heal.

Sorry this is so long, stories like this can be complicated.

Second example. Different friend. This one and her spouse have been together for many, many years. One of the things they enjoyed before getting married was going out to eat to different (and favorite) restaurants. Over the years, because of lack of time or interests, it became one of the only times they went out together. More and more often, rather than eating out, it would be takeout — often from the same restaurants they had frequented.

Her husband knew that she liked to go out. She would ask for sort of a date night, but knew there would be some excuse and takeout became almost the norm. Just this past year they celebrated a milestone wedding anniversary. He promised to take her out to eat. Then her birthday came around, and the promise was made again. But no follow-through. One random day he mentioned going out to eat sometime that week. She answered "Whatever." They did not go out. He had unknowingly crossed the line, a line she herself may not have realized was there. She came to accept that it was unlikely she was ever going to sit in a restaurant again on his initiative. She told me she doesn't care anymore if she goes out to eat. If they go, fine, if they don't, also fine. She will no longer ask, and in a small sense feels liberated from disappointment. But I wonder about the rest of the relationship. Is it still solid?

I think my point with these two stories is that once you ignore someone else's needs, whether you bully them or abuse their trust, you are on dangerous ground when it comes to that relationship. The emotional connection can be broken. Once you have elicited apathy, there is probably no going back.

Please accept this as a friendly reminder that we need to be aware of those lines. Maybe to alert someone when they are getting too close, in order to preserve what may be a good thing. Maybe to be more responsive to what someone else needs. Although in some cases detachment can be necessary, having a caring, emotional connection to someone is a much better state of mind than apathy.