Quote of the Day: From Victim to Victory

When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows. --Ann Voskamp

Over 30 years ago, I put Judaism on the back burner and took up Zen Buddhism. It filled a spiritual space for me, and over 20 years I became a serious practitioner, including koan practice. I had a good relationship with my Zen teacher in the beginning, and we both saw the potential for my becoming a teacher (sensei), too.

Until we didn’t.

At some point, I decided that my teacher’s expectations were not acceptable; I’d rather not list the details here, mainly because it would lure me back into the victim mentality. I tolerated her demands and threats, which included dropping me as a student if I didn’t comply. Finally, I sabotaged our relationship, and our commitment to working together blew up. I was finally free.

I had stayed with Zen and that teacher to satisfy my inflated ego, out of a desire, no matter what it took, to become a sensei. Anything, it seemed, was worth that effort. I’d just “suck it up,” as the saying goes.

Until I simply couldn’t do it anymore.

Once I decided to quit, I felt liberated, at least in part. The problem was that I still insisted on making myself the victim, blaming Zen (which had become politically Leftist) and my teacher. I refused to acknowledge that I could have extricated myself from Zen years before; I was the perpetrator of my own victimization.

This realization came to me just a couple of days ago. I’d spent the last several years wounded by my lack of resolve. It’s still quite shocking to comprehend that I brought my situation on myself.

The good news, however, is where I am now. Years ago, with the help of a dear friend and a renewed interest in and commitment to Judaism, I found my way back to my faith, and to G-d. It has been a deeply rewarding and humbling experience. But I still insisted on carrying my wound around with me. I have finally decided to drop that burden. I also know old habits are hard to break.

But I believe I’m ready. As the quotation above says, I’m ready to let “the rain of grace and joy penetrate my cracked and dry places.”

I’m free.