The Locksmith at Yosemite

Trump fired the locksmith at Yosemite. Yes, THE locksmith. The one who has ALL the keys and the institutional knowledge of how to use them. He hasn't taken a vacation, sick day, or weekend in thirty years because then no one could have opened the doors at Yosemite. When his kids graduated from kindergarten, high school, and college, he wasn't there. He told them, "Sorry, child, I'm THE locksmith at Yosemite." He was really busy every single day, scurrying over that 1187-square-mile park because he was THE locksmith, opening all the offices and restrooms in the mornings and closing them up at night. Sort of like St. Nick visiting all the children all over the world.

Apparently he also took the keys with him when he left, because they're gone. In the normal world that would be considered theft of government property and a felony. In the normal world, security would have taken that massive ring of keys off his belt as he left the meeting where he got his termination notice, even if it took a forklift. In the normal world, the supervisor of THE locksmith would also get fired for allowing a mere employee to build up such an empire. But this is government world, not normal world.

Even worse, the took the institutional knowledge with him. He knew every key and every lock by sight. He could lift that massive ring of keys and instantly pull out the right one. A mere mortal like me has to try all three keys on my key ring before I find the right one. But not THE locksmith. Sadly, the rest of the employees at Yosemite are too dumb to figure out how to call a locksmith service to replace all the locks. So they should be fired too.

And now Yosemite will be locked up forever. Tourists will only be able to gaze at the natural beauty of Yosemite from outside the locked gates. Thousands of years from now, archeologists will gaze in wonder at this perfectly preserved example of a United States National Park office, papers carefully laid out on desks, cups of petrified Starbucks coffee next to keyboards. They will even find skeletons of tourists locked in bathrooms, fingernails torn to the quick as they scratched at the locked doors, desperately seeking to escape their doom. Can you imagine the horror of dying with the smell of a chemical toilet in your nostrils? Archeologists will wonder what disaster befell Yosemite to cause it to be abandoned in such haste. But they will never figure out that it all happened because THE locksmith was so callously and carelessly fired by Donald J. Trump.