‘DOGE is coming!’ The Eye of Elon Swivels to the Mines of Moria

Well, I don't think it's quite that dire, but I did get a good chuckle out of a Fox News article today: Musk uncovers limestone mine used for manually processing federal workers' retirement papers. Musk says the retirement process at the facility is done by hand, limits the number of federal employees who can retire to 10,000 a month, and is "like a time warp."

Oh, my giddy aunt.

It's not often I think of Elon Musk as being a day late and a dollar (or several hundred billion dollars) short, but he's missed the boat this time.

I've been down in that mine dozens of times. The photos in the Fox News article don't really do it justice.

From 1979 to 1983, I worked in Pittsburgh for NBI Office Automation Systems, and the many folks working underground in what had once been an abandoned limestone mine were some of my customers. At the time, the facility was owned by the government, although at some point since, it must have been sold to Iron Mountain. Other organizations rent space there (it's rumored there are countless priceless artifacts, including the original prints of many classic movies, stored behind some of the doors), but the predecessor of the Office of Personnel Management (Musk's current area of interest) was the US Civil Service Commission. And that was always my destination.

As Elon has apparently found out, the place is a trip and a half, even before you get all the way in.

I doubt much has changed in the intervening almost half-century. (I think that's sorta Elon's point.) But back in the day, you drove north from Pittsburgh, up I-79, past Butler (Musk knows where Butler is), and Portersville (alas, the late, great Eppinger's Diner, home of the "Heartburn Special" is no more), turned right somewhere around Slippery Rock, and followed your directions (there were no signs) into the country. Eventually, you found yourself on a cow path in the middle of a field, when suddenly the ground opened up in front of you, and the road pitched down at a steep slope to what can only be described as an entryway protected by a portcullis and a couple of armed guards. You drove down the ramp and stopped. (It always seemed the most advisable thing to do in the circumstances.)

After being interrogated, showing ID, and waiting while the guards called ahead to make sure you were expected, one of the guards would hand you a badge, a hard hat and a fire extinguisher, the portcullis was hauled out of the way, and you drove in.

This is where things really got interesting, because there were no signs or labels anywhere, and the lighting—which was strung from wires in the rock ceiling—was quite bad. So--hoping your directions were correct, and that you were counting properly--you'd drive, say, past three "streets" and turn right, take the first left, park, and then bang on the fifth door down. All being well, they'd admit you, and you could get busy. (To be clear--you were well and truly in the "caves." There was no drywall, and no effort had been made at remodeling niceties, just painted rock surfaces everywhere, and a rough floor.)

What I can attest to, all the way back in about 1981, is that the Civil Service Commission was fairly advanced--for the time--in its use of technology. I can't help wondering though, in light of Musk's "time warp" comment, how many NBI System 3000s and System 8s are still in use (8" SS/SD floppies and all). There were phones down there, but I can't remember whether system connectivity went "outbound" or not. It would have been quite an effort for the time, although NBI could add a 3270 emulator for mainframe connectivity and do PROFS (who remembers PROFS?) and its government units were also TEMPEST-compliant; although I shouldn't think electronic snooping was much of a thing a couple hundred feet underground in 1980 or so.

The other thing I remember fondly were the bathrooms, which were rather like larger versions of airplane restrooms, because, of course, no sewer lines down there. No idea where the effluvium went. As well not to think about it too much.

Best of luck, Elon. Hope you make it out in one piece.

If neither you nor any of the kids can figure out what to do with all those System 3000s down there, give me a shout.