Get the Ricochet app
Ricochet will work fine in a browser on your mobile devices, but for the best experience please download our app.
Middle school boys inhabit a strange universe in which they are aware of girls and somewhat interested in them. But they still harbor many of the natural suspicions of their younger selves, still vaguely suspicious that girls may yet be infested with a few lingering “cooties.” I think we can confidently say that middle school boys lack essential intuitions regarding the nature of male/female relationships.
Middle school girls are not averse to pursuing a boy they have set their sights on, and one of my own sons was the recipient of the attentions of one such classmate at school. He was not especially overjoyed to gain this young lady’s interest, but she continued to press him on being willing to “go with her.” If you know, you know.
When my son’s lack of enthusiasm for her finally sank in, and it was clear he was never going to agree to “go with her,” she announced that his unwillingness could only be because “he was afraid to make a commitment.” I found this response hilarious because it reflected a complete lack of understanding of the psyche of the very middle school boys she was so attracted to. Boys that age aren’t “afraid to make a commitment,” such commitments have never even crossed their minds. They don’t know that such commitments even exist. Their bodies are growing so fast that the only commitment that ever crosses their minds is the commitment to fill their stomachs.
I have loved the picture at the top of this post forever, because I think it so perfectly captures the essential disconnection between the mindset of middle school boys and the girls who are trying to love them. I found the picture on the internet years ago, where it had allegedly been posted by a teacher who had picked it up off the floor of her classroom. I do have some compassion for those girls. They are envisioning their relationships in a way that has never once crossed the mind of a clueless Prince Charming.
I posted all of the above to a note on Substack, and got back this wonderful response from one Jamie Ube.
I laughed out loud at your post. When my son was in 6th grade, one of those aspiring lovers set her eyes on him, deciding “they were made for each other” and professing future adoration. He was totally bewildered by her claims, but I noticed a bit of a strut in his stride. One particular note included the phrase “I don't want to die a virgin.” He didn't even have a clue what that meant. So he asked me. “Um, Ben, that's referring to activities that old people do. You don't have to worry about that for many years. But if she's making you feel uncomfortable, just tell her to stop.” Obviously, he handled it efficiently, because his demeanor changed for the better.
Years later we were repairing a section of our deck and I discovered a ziplock bag full of notes and cards--her professions preserved and hidden. I asked him “Whatever happened to Victoria?” He looked puzzled and then suddenly laughed, “She got married and has two kids. I forgot all about her! Why do you ask!?” I showed him the ziplock treasures and we started laughing and then my 32-year-old son said, “Well, obviously she didn't die a virgin!” Precious and poignant memories of childhood!
Discussion (6)
To read this bio, please join Ricochet.
Such troubles, as one friend has helpfully pointed out, are not confined to middle school boys.
To read this bio, please join Ricochet.
What a delightful post, Keith! It reminds me of those times of innocence, and the fascinating interplays between young boys and girls. Thank you!
CHARTER MEMBER
To read this bio, please join Ricochet.
Middle school kids are wont to be dramatic, as if they were referring to relationships with the love of their lives and on the brink of crucial life partner decisions. I've heard, "She broke up with him." "They broke up."
Overheard in Target amongst some teenage boys:
"Well, I won't say that because I don't want to create any more drama."
"You were too good for her, man."
To read this bio, please join Ricochet.
Interesting, Keith. I've been thinking about this type of stuff for a few months as I watch my kids grow up. I have 13 yr old twins, a boy and girl. Since they were babies, it has been fascinating to me watching a boy and girl grow up side-by-side. They also have a 32 yr old brother so seeing different generations has been interesting, too. I have tended to agree with you about overall observations about boys' and girls' views towards commitment.
I personally was very different. I had the same girlfriend from 14-18. I was devastated when she broke up with me when I joined the Army. I actually just commented on another thread about just finishing Basic Training and then meeting a girl right afterwards in January, days after turning 19, start dating on Valentine's Day, getting married on 5 Mar and our son being born on 4 Dec. Commitment was never an issue for me but I know I wasn't the norm.
What's gotten me thinking about this current generation of young teenagers though is that the views actually seem reversed. My daughter and her friends certainly seem less socially awkward than my son and his friends,. Certainly more mature. However, the strong trend I've seen with my kids and their friends is that boys are asking to "go out" and it's the girls having no interest, even though I know for a fact that in many of those cases the the girl was very much interested in the boy. Of course, sometimes the boy is ridiculous and clueless but sometimes they're really sweet.
I've talked with my daughter about it so I have some understanding why (and some theories) but it's just so weird to me. My son, now, seems to be more like your son. So, much less thinking about girls and commitments than most of his friends. I think with him though there are some other issues at play though that are causing that.
To read this bio, please join Ricochet.
Our son through high school and much of college liked girls in theory, but avoided dating because he saw how much drama girlfriends brought into their relationships with his male friends, and he did not want that type of drama.
In college, he developed a particular social niche among other students that we (his parents) found surprising. He became a sounding board for a number of girls who wanted to vent to a male person about some boyfriend problem they had. The girls knew he would sit down and listen, and he'd only answer if they asked for his input, and he wouldn't hit on them or try to get a date.
Even after college, he found frustrating the drama that came with many of the women he met. He found a disturbing number who pursued him largely because of his position as an officer in the U.S. Air Force, which to them meant a steady paycheck and social prestige. And a disturbing number of them already had a child that would have come with them, which would have been more drama he didn't want.
He had begun to prepare to be a lifelong bachelor. But eventually, his now-wife started pursuing him. And, from the descriptions from his now-wife's girlfriends, it sounded like junior high all over but with less overt drama. She worked for a contractor on a project he was managing. [They are both engineers.] She was impressed with the straight-forward way he ran interactions with the contractors and kept the projects moving. He said nothing about his personal life, so she and her girlfriends got together to try to figure out the important information, such as whether he was single. A group of girls checking out the guy, and trying to get his attention. They eventually arranged what was to be a group trip to the gun range that turned into their first date. And a little less than a year later, they were married.
You're seeing five of six comments. Sign in, or join for just $5 per month, to read them all and add your own.