Hello Larry! Another in a Series of Fake Larry King Columns (ALERT: This One Has Nothing to Do with McLean Stevenson)

Good morning, America. How are you?

If you were expecting McLean Stevenson content, look elsewhere on Ricochet, such as in the McLean Stevenson Group, where he is discussed incessantly. The title is the only thread of connection.

We’re into the monsoon season here on the Korean peninsula. It’s not as hot as Oklahoma, but just that right combination of heat and humidity where if you hiccup, you start sweating. But there’s been a lot of rain, so we’re hoping to see some North Korean escapees floating down the Han River on colorful inner tubes.

When I swelter — and I do — I think of the good old days when Larry King wrote a column for USA Today. I start trying to think like he did. To put myself into his mind. Thus, here’s what’s brewing in my coffee pot these days:

I see the UK has requested extradition of the Tate Brothers. So, they’ve reversed their position on prosecuting Muslim rape gangs…

By the way, are Jews and Muslims allowed to operate ham radios?

Due to declining birth rates, there are now only 8 million Flintstone Kids, strong and growing…

Elvis Presley once released an album entitled “Elvis Country (I’m 10,000 Years Old).” However, he was ACTUALLY 36 when it was released. I wonder what else he lied about…

Why do children color tree trunks brown when they are clearly gray?

You don’t see a lot of cult leaders named Todd…

My friend is registered in the Make-A-Death-Wish program…

Worst case scenario: you wave back at someone only to realize they weren’t waving at you…

It isn’t what it is…

While it’s true that no one has ever been convicted in a food court, there is order in the court.

Greek salad is the best salad…

Revenge is a dish best served cold, like bean dip…

I’m going to assume there is no bear meat in bearnaise sauce…

The pen may be mightier than the sword, but I don’t recommend it for fencing…

I’m going to innovate TV police dramas. Here’s my idea: the gritty and grizzled veteran cop, a guy who bends the rules sometimes, gets paired with a by-the-book partner who’s much younger. And they get along famously from the start…

By the way, in police dramas, if you are the cop, don’t go checking up on the criminal without letting the other cops know and without bringing your weapon. That’s just stupid…

And if you’re a TV character and you’re alone with the killer, don’t tell him you know that he’s the killer. That’s just stupid…

And if you’re the fugitive in one of these shows: Hey, doofus, how about taking even MINIMAL steps to change your appearance so you’ll be harder to spot?

There is never a secure prison transfer in a police drama…

I will now stop ranting about TV tropes.

I don’t like to talk about my pan pizza. It’s personal…

My friend Eric is a Grenada War re-enactor….

It’s amazing how often emergencies end while ambulances cross the intersection…

I wonder if The King’s Singers get royalties…

I have to confess I feel a little bit of joy when I see people miss their bus at the bus stop because they’re looking at their phones…

I’m no expert on chimpanzees. I think you all know that. And I wonder sometimes late at night how many personal (chimpanal) traits are passed on from one generation of chimpanzees to another. I guess what I’m driving at is I wonder if I could ever say that a young chimpanzee was a chimp off the old block…

Are there any countries that don’t want a national anthem?

In my old neighborhood in Oklahoma City, there’s a woman who calls herself a psychic medium, but she’s really a psychic extra large…

It’s time to wrap up another tribute to Larry King and the old USA Today columns he labored over. I hope he had as much fun as I do. Goodnight from Korea.