Lucy and the Protestors

SCENE: Living room of LUCY and RICKY RICARDO. LUCY paces nervously in front of ETHEL MERTZ, who is seated on the couch.

LUCY: Oh Ethel! Ricky’s gonna kill me! I should never have wanted sheer curtains!

ETHEL: But we were just trying to save money by getting some fabric to make them. How mad can he get about that?

(Enter RICKY): Lucy, I’m home!

ETHEL (hurrying out): I think I hear Fred calling me!

RICKY (suspiciously): Lucy … What crazy scheme have you and Ethel been up to now?

LUCY (nervously): It was all just a big mistake! We went shopping for material to make sheer curtains and we were over by the college and we heard some students yelling “Free gauze! Free gauze!” So we went over to get some and the students were playing drums and I asked if they knew you and the police showed up and a kid hit one of them and they took everyone’s name and address and …”

RICKY (becoming angry, voice rising): Loo-SIE!!

LUCY (almost in tears): And the police said they would send someone here today to ask me a few questions!

(RICKY begins striding angrily around the room, gesturing wildly and speaking rapid Spanish.)

LUCY (defensively): But they’re just going to ask questions! And a couple kids said they would come over to be my “allies!”

RICKY (exasperated): Lucy, I met a Mr. Smith who is thinking about investing in the club! He will be here any minute for dinner!

(Door knock. Enter guest stars PHYLLIS DILLER and EVA GABOR, dressed as student protestors and chanting “Free Gaza! Free Gaza!” DILLER looks characteristically crazed. GABOR looks characteristically naïve.)

DILLER (shrilly): Don’t worry, Lucy! We’ll help you face down the cops!

(Door knock. Enter guest star CARL REINER, wearing a monocle.)

RICKY: Mr. Smith! Come in! This is my wife Lucy.

LUCY (nervously offering a handshake): How do you do?

REINER (clicks his heels and kisses LUCY’s hand): Greetings, madam. I am Gruppenfu … uh, I mean Herr Schmi … uh, I mean Mr. Smith.

LUCY: You have such elegant manners, Mr. Smith! Are you from Europe?

REINER (suddenly very nervous): NEIN! … uh, I mean no. I am from New Jersey. This is how we greet each other in … Newark.

(Door knock. Enter guest star JACK WEBB, with Dragnet musical sting: baa-ba-bum-bum.)

WEBB (showing badge, and speaking flatly): Is there a Lucy Ricardo here?

LUCY (nervously): I’m Mrs. Ricardo, officer.

RICKY (placatingly): I’m Mr. Ricardo, and there’s been a terrible mistake!

DILLER (angrily): There sure has, and you cops made it! That’s why I clobbered the other one!

WEBB: Did you assault that police officer today, ma’am?

DILLER (angrily): Are you assuming my gender?

WEBB: Are you transsexual?

DILLER (broadly, toward audience): No. Just trans.

WEBB (taking DILLER by the arm): Whatever you are, you’re coming with me.

GABOR (sweetly) to RICKY, who is now hiding his face in his hands: “Don’t be upset, Mr. Ricardo. You see, it is all the fault of the Jews, who are mean. If the Jews would just leave Palestine, then it would be all peaceful and nice, like (pauses for thought, then smiles brightly) Syria! Your wife was just helping us to protest the Jews!

RICKY (apologetically) to REINER: Mr. Smith, I hope this won’t give you second thoughts about investing in the club.

REINER (happily): Not at all! In fact, your charming wife has convinced me to do business with you! But instead of staying for dinner, I think I will invite this delightful young lady to a restaurant. We have much to sprechen about!

LUCY and RICKY, alone again, smile and embrace warmly as show theme begins playing.