Negotiating the Debate Details

In preparation for the presidential election debates, each candidate has proposed certain conditions.

Former President Donald J. Trump specifies that the debates must:

• Include feats of strength.
• Allow campaign staff to represent each party in a bathing suit competition.
• Include surprise guest stars, possibly including Corn Pop.
• Allow Mr. Trump to be attended by his trainer and cut man between rounds.
• Have strict rules of decorum that prohibit quotes from Clint Eastwood movies, unless they include the word “punk.”

• Feature an on-camera presidential pardon, “One of those Hunter Biden immunity deals,” and Biden’s personal apology for stealing the 2020 election.

President Joseph R. Biden specifies that the debates must:

• Not be scheduled on Meatloaf Night at the White House.
• Include at least one nap.
• Allow Mr. Biden to be advised by his speechwriters, policy consultants, White House interns, and Dr. Jill Biden, preferably through a remotely controlled teleprompter.
• Include special guest advisers, possibly including some who are deceased and/or fictional.
• Have strict rules of decorum that prohibit interruptions, insulting gestures, misgendering, sexual harassment, falsifying business records, and “hollering.”
• Incorporate a broadcast delay that would, if necessary, allow Mr. Biden to collect his thoughts, control his stutter, revise his remarks, reverse his positions, or “let fly with a zinger.”