In Defense of Being the Bad Guy

Not everyone can be Mozart. But it is still not mere coincidence that Mozart existed during an age when quite a large number of parents expected their children to be great composers. Expectations certainly do matter. Parents who demand excellence from their children are more likely to have high-achieving offspring.

Today, of course, society demonizes such parents. We are sensitive to the argument that the only reason we have high expectations for our children is because we are selfishly only thinking of ourselves, our reputations, what our friends and family might think, etc. If we actually cared about our children, we would be delighted to let them find their own path, in their own good time. And, let’s face it: Nobody wants to be the Bad Guy.

It is obvious that being the Bad Guy comes with a very definite cost. Parents who push their children are not always remembered fondly, and certainly not by all their children. Being remembered as “demanding” or even “brutal” or “insane” is hardly the legacy most of us crave.

But it still might be the right thing. After all, it is easy to be a supportive friend, telling the people you care about that everything they do is right and good and proper. But we all know that while people love to hear supportive words, very often what they actually need to hear is … shall we call it “constructive” feedback?

If you truly care about other people, you will pay a price for it. “No good deed goes unpunished.” True friends love deeply enough to be willing to lose their friendship, if that is what it takes to be the best friend possible.

This all goes to explain the addition of a single word in the Torah. Aharon the High Priest dies, and the Torah tells us, “All the children of Israel wept” (N. 20:29).

But Moshe was apparently not as loved! Because when Moses dies (D. 34:8), the word “all” is omitted! It just says “the children of Israel wept.”

And I think we know why: Aharon loved everyone. He went out of his way to avoid conflict – even to the extent of helping to make the Golden Calf! Aharon would sacrifice anything for peace, and the people loved him for it. When Aharon died, they all mourned.

Moshe, on the other hand, brought laws and rules. He harassed and harangued the people, always telling them to do and be better. He pushed and prodded. Moshe was deeply involved emotionally, but he never compromised on what he believed was best for the people. Moshe voluntarily took on the role of the Bad Guy because he knew that was what the people needed.

But Moshe also surely knew that the price of doing the right thing is that people don’t like to hear instructions and criticisms. When Moshe died, I am sure more than one person experienced at least a twinge of relief – because Moshe was the pushy and demanding parent.

So it can come as no surprise that Aharon was more loved than his brother, and Aharon’s passing was felt as more of a loss than was Moshe’s.

But here’s the thing: History has made it quite clear that for all the love that Aharon had for others, it was Moshe, not Aharon, who changed the world. Had Aharon been in charge, the people would never have grown. Just as Mozart’s father was a core reason why the world had a Mozart, it was Moshe, the demanding parent, who made us what we are today.