Divided we fall

After college, a friend and I took a 3½ month motorcycle trip, camping out across the country, and had a wonderful time. I got back the day before classes started for medical school. After my first year of medical school, I decided to do it again, this time by myself. I wrote a post about that trip about a year ago. It was even better by myself, because I met more people, and interacted with others more (when you travel with a partner, you tend to interact mainly with them, and you’re less approachable as a pair, so others don’t talk to you as much). This was in 1992. I went from Ohio, to Alaska, to California, and back to Ohio in 3½ months. Paid for it with a student loan – money well wasted. But fuel was cheap, the bike got good gas mileage, and I ate mainly beans and rice, so I didn’t spend much.

In my previous post I mentioned how I would get some real food and get cleaned up by spending a few days here and there with girls I met along the way. But not every time. Once, I got a few days of good food, and got my laundry done, by spending a few days with 800 gay men from California. Perhaps I should explain this…

I was wandering through Denali Park. It was July, so there were wildflowers everywhere in Alaska. I had a 35mm camera with a zoom lens, and I was taking pictures of these beautiful flowers in extreme close up. It was really cool. I hear a guy say hello, I turn around, and there’s a 45ish year old skinny white guy with a big floppy hat and a big floppy mustache. He asked what I was doing, and I said I was doing my Robert Mapplethorpe imitation. He laughed and said, “He’s my FAVORITE!!!” I was a little surprised he had heard of him, and I was a bit taken aback by his instant, child-like enthusiasm.

Anyway, we spent the rest of the afternoon hiking together, and he told me that he was on a cruise with 800 other gay men from California, to see the Inside Passage and some Alaskan parks. I asked why he didn’t go to the beach or something. He scoffed, “The young queens go to the Caribbean. Us old guys go to National Parks. We’re too old for Speedos." I told him that the Caribbean probably appreciates their sacrifice, which led to raucous laughter from my new friend.

Getting close the to end of the hiking trail, I mentioned that I was hungry, and couldn’t wait to get back to camp. He asked what was on my menu for the evening, and I said beans and rice. He looked horrified, and said, “We’re having a seafood buffet back at the resort – why don’t you join us?” He didn’t have to ask me twice. I was starving. And I was sick to death of beans and rice. So I had a date. With not just one gay man. But 800 of them. Should be an interesting evening, I figured.

I rode the bus back to his hotel with my new friend. Denali uses school buses to transport people around. The guy in the seat in front of us was trying to lower the window, and couldn’t press the little slides together to release the latch. I stood up a bit, reached over, and lowered the window for him. He turned and looked at me in surprise. He didn’t say anything for a moment, and then said, “You’re not with the trip, are you?”

I paused and said, “Well, I am now.” And the whole bus erupted in laughter. Some of them mocked his questioning me, repeating his question in funny feminine voices. Others mocking me, saying “Well, I am now” with a John Wayne tough guy drawl. Somebody yelled, “Heck, on this bus, I thought we were going to have to go find a lesbian to open that window!” More raucous laughter.

And that basically summed up the next few days. It was like hanging out with a bunch of drunk lawyers, who do nothing but tell lawyer jokes. I was the straight man – literally – to more gay jokes than I’d ever heard in my life.

The next night, they had a formal dinner with a dance. I told them that all I had was jeans and T-shirts, and they were all filthy. So thanks, but I’ll head back to my campsite. Well. This initiated a flurry of activity among guys up and down the hall in the hotel. I’m 6’2” and 225, so finding clothes that fit is not always easy. They found a guy about my size, and he loaned me a suit. The first one they brought out was some sort of pastel purple satin thing. He asked, “What do you think?”

I paused, then said, “Eh, what the hell. When in Rome, right?”

More raucous laughter from the whole room-full of guys. My body double said, “I’m a 55 year old CFO. I don’t dress like that. This is from a friend of mine down the hall. We're just messing with you. Here, try this.” And he gave me a dark grey suit. It fit fine. I have big feet (more off-color jokes and raucous laughter), and had to get shoes from someone else. They were REALLY fancy and a bit over the top for me. But my only other option was combat boots. Eh, when in Rome, right?

I started stripping down in the middle of the room to change, and one of the guys said, “Whoa – this isn’t a football locker room, stud! Use my room across the hall to change!” More raucous laughter. So I changed in his room. I looked sharp, compared to my previous wardrobe. One of the guys did my laundry for me down the hall. Really nice of him.

What I found amazing, was how I was received at the dinner that night. The night before, I clearly didn’t fit in. But this night, I went down to the dinner with a group of gay men, I’m wearing the clothes of one of those gay men, and several of the guys that I met at the dinner took one look at me and asked, “You’re not with the trip, are you?” A couple times, I hadn’t even said anything. I asked how they knew. They said, “Gaydar.” Like radar. Amazing.

I had a great time. There was an open bar. Everybody was in a good mood, and incredibly gracious to their new visitor. And the food was absolutely awesome.

And no, I did not dance.

Once someone would find out that I was straight, I often would get a wide eyed smile, and an exclamation, “Ohh! You’re straight?!? Our tour director is straight! You’ll love her! She’s just the cutest thing! We’ve GOT to get you two together!!!” This poor lady was introduced to me four or five times that evening by various enthusiastically sneaky men. We were both good sports about it. It was nice of them to try to set us up.

One of the guys I met mentioned to me, “Yeah, I used to date women. But man – you know how women are, right? I just couldn’t take it anymore, know what I mean?”

I thought for a second and said, “Well, yeah, but geez – that’s kind of an extreme response to a quirky girlfriend, don’t you think? Plus, women are hot! I mean, c’mon!”

This of course resulted in the whole table trying to point out cute guys to me.

“See? That stud walking over there – doesn’t he have a nice butt?”

I’d look, and I really would try, but I’d say, “Man, I’m sorry, but no. He’s just some guy.”

Then a waitress would come by, and I’d say, “Ok – now you can’t tell me that you can look at her and not stare at her chest. I mean, really now.”

And some of them would try like I did before, but to no avail.

We also talked about families, schools, jobs, and all the usual stuff. I had a lot in common with most of the guys I met. Except for one thing, but that wasn’t an issue. We had a lot in common. And we had a great time together. I was sorry to say goodbye.

Believe it or not, I do have a point:

I spent a few days with people that Democrats would claim that I have nothing in common with. They were middle-aged gay men from California. I was a young straight white male football player from a farming community in Ohio. So we are in different groups, and we’re supposed to dislike each other. Or, at least, disagree about enough things that we would feel more comfortable in our own tribes.

But as we spent more time together, and got to know one another, it turned out that we had a lot in common. We're all just people, after all.

The one difference between us was a source of jokes and laughter, not resentment and jealousy.

And because of that, we got along great, had a wonderful time, and helped each other out a bit. I really needed some decent food.

These divisions that Democrats have created in American society are poison. It’s so sad to watch.

Divided we fall.