Warn! Phenomena occur.

Last week I bought a little folding camp table, $19 from Amazon. It's made in Korea; I try to avoid stuff made in China.

It's just fine, just what I was expecting, but the thing that makes it worth a post is the little instruction card that came with it.

Now, once upon a time in the late 70s and early 80s I had a lucrative side gig re-writing the instructions of model airplane kits that were imported from various East Asian countries. They were supposed to be in English, but the English was hilariously inept, so much so that the importers hired me to redo the text, and they would reprint them with the Asian illustrations and my text. This camp table took me back to those days.

The instruction side of the card is four big pictures, clear and simple. It's the back of the card that cracked me up. In big letters, in a box with a yellow background, is the word Warn! Not "Warning." That was my first clue.

Let me quote the rest of the Warn!

"Be sure to check the joint before use insert and fit in place to ensure product safety. Otherwise, if the connector is not inserted in place, it may cause laborrit is not safe to turn over, cut therubber cord, etc phenomena occur."

Got that? Phenomena occur! Words to live by.

Clearly "laborit" should be "labor. It" but there is very little punctuation in the paragraph, and no respect for the beginnings and end of sentences. Same with "therubber" although that is not the end of a sentence. Now, there are a total of eight joints that have to be fitted together to make this thing stand up, but "connector" isn't plural in the Warn. That's a nuance that I remember from my days of re-Englishing that seems characteristic of Asian languages; plurals are drawn from context and inference rather than a clear apostrophe-S or some other notation. I can't argue with their eagerness to "ensure product safety," but I am befuddled by the statement that if the connectors are not in place, "it may cause labor." Labor? It's a table, not a stool, so you wouldn't be picking yourself off the ground after trying to sit on something that collapsed beneath you.

But the last two words, "Phenomena occur," are priceless. Whatever you think of what came before, you can't argue with that. Those darn phenomena will occur, especially if they cause labor.

There are also two pictures. On the left is the table with the legs dangling, with the caption "Prohibition of use" and a big X in a red circle. On the right is the properly assembled happy little table, with a cheerful checkmark in a green circle and the caption "Safe to use." How reassuring...how comforting. Of course, all of this is very small next to the big red Warn! I guess their attorneys told them stories of how easy it is to get sued if someone is injured using their products, whether they are used in accordance with instructions or not. So, they have spent a lot of effort making sure you have the darn thing properly assembled before you put something on it. I can't fault that. And it certainly did get my attention.