Seven Stock Characters You Find in Comment Sections

Every single time:

1. The Bubble Popper: The good thing about the Bubble Popper is that he’s not gullible. However, he doesn’t want anyone else to be deceived either, so he takes it upon himself, under every touching, interesting, or disturbing video, to strip the audience of any illusions they had: This is a fake. It’s photoshopped. No one could have that many babies at once. Or, Elvis died a long time ago, guys.

2. The Sneerers: The Sneerers don’t have to say anything. They haunt comment sections and use the power of the little laughing emoticon, the innocent merry expression that social media designers didn’t foresee being wielded to convey derision, to jeer at any unpopular idea. A winsome, well-thought out post can be dismissed with even one mocking mouse click, the dozens off hearts and likes beside it not withstanding.

3. The Misconception Peddler: This commenter is not trying to lie—she believes her own statement. Readers are taken in momentarily with her confident assertion: I knew a woman who had ten children all at once. Doctors take three out and incubate them so the mother can have the rest safely. It happens. Fortunately for the rest of us, the Bubble Popper and the Sneerers are always on duty, and the Peddler’s convincing experience is taken down like a wounded antelope on the savannah.

4. The Straitlaced Aunt: The job of this Aunt is to make sure the original poster and audience all keep to the narrow path of righteousness. Her code, however, is not ancient, but reflects a newer morality. Her comments tend to dampen our enjoyment of an otherwise touching or intriguing post. They also have an accusatory ring: Yes, kittens are adorable, but you should have gotten her spayed. Do you know how many stray cats we have, and how many kittens suffer in the open? Kittens are not toys for human owners. The owner will explain that she found the cat on the side of the road, already busting with babies. But alas, the Aunt has spoken, and the audience is more ready to move along.

5. The Reiterator: The Reiterator does not demand much from the Internet, nor does it get much from her. She takes in the photo or video and echoes several of the preceding comments: Adorable! Or Simply gorgeous! This character is a gentle soul who just wants the poster to know that she came, she saw, she admired.

6. The Political Angler: The Angler doesn’t care what the topic is, so long as he can sow the seeds of political discord in the thread. The post could be about kittens or multiple births, and he would write: Thanks to [political party or president], we now have this mess. Judging by the number of nested replies under such statements, readers respond like The Hobbit’s three trolls to Gandalf’s tricks, with bickering and noisome fray.

7. The Pick-Apart: This commenter will find something wrong with the post, no matter what its content. Little boy pushes his own small shopping cart? When I was raising my kids, I expected them to sit quietly while I shopped. Kids today are so spoiled. A young dancer performs a breathtaking routine? She’s holding her feet wrong. They never let us do it that way in dancing school. She’s going to ruin her feet, sadly. Pickers even have the ability to see into the souls of others, or at least don’t mind making daring speculations: She’s just doing that for likes. Or,That’s a sign he’s being mistreated. Or, This never would have happened if someone had been watching him.

What characters have you seen in social media comments?