One Easy Step To Stopping Campus Tentifadas

I know how to end the Tentifadas on American university campuses!!

Some background: The students say they are upset about Israeli Jews colonizing and settling on “Palestinian” land. They are so upset that they are taking over buildings and harassing their Jewish classmates. So how do we get these students to calm down and go back to normal? I think I know. All the Israeli government has to do is re-create that unique American innovation that protects every American university from the same unrest. And it will work! Here’s why:

As we all know, every American university is settled on land that was home to some American Indian tribe. We also know there is not a single American university that has any plans to give any of its land back. American university land is as settled and colonized as land gets. All that settling and colonizing would seem to be something American university students might find upsetting... but they don’t.

In fact, American students never protest their own universities for “settling” and “colonizing” the land taken from Indians. And why not? Here’s my theory: It is because of the pacifying effect of a unique creation of the American left. You have all heard one: The land acknowledgment.

Turns out that for American leftists, the land acknowledgment makes settling and colonizing just dandy. It's like magic!

And how do I know it’s the land acknowledgment that keeps American kids from protesting the “settling” and “colonizing” of their own universities? Well, what else could it be? How else to explain the perfect absence of any students protesting their own university’s settling and colonizing, but the mass turnout of American students protesting Israel’s settling and colonizing? It’s because American universities have ritualized land acknowledgments and Israel has not!

So my advice to Israel is this: There is no trick to shutting up entitled American university students. All you need is a nice, wordy, vacuous, self-flattering word salad of touchy-feely bromides, and it will mollify America’s spoiled, cosplaying revolutionaries into turning their attention back to...oh...the ozone layer or something. UCLA’s land acknowledgment obviously works for UCLA! The most wokety-woke Bruins never demanded the return of Pauley Pavilion to the Navaho.

And here’s the bonus: When Israeli Jews publicly acknowledge the people who lived in the land of Israel way back when, they can say this: “We gather here to acknowledge that the land on which we are standing is the long-recognized, ancient homeland… of us.”