Lessons from Lost Relationships

Periodically I go into a funk and indulge in dark memories of the relationships I’ve ruined. Fortunately, I don’t do that very often, nor do I stay in that mindset for very long. But recently when I reflected on the past, I found myself shifting my perspective in what I think is a productive and healthy way. I thought you might find something useful in my reflections.

But to set the stage, it’s fair to say that over 75 years I’ve done some serious damage: hurting the feelings of people beyond repair. I say the hurts are beyond repair, because I apologized in every case, but the people involved would not forgive me. Even over time.

The wounding I committed had to do with various exchanges: my shock at their beliefs; their refusal to accept me due to my point of view and my outrage as a result. I’ve found various ways to cause injury. We could debate whether those people were being overly sensitive, but I’m willing to accept the bulk of the blame.

So, these incidents provide the fuel for self-flagellation. Judaism doesn’t support flagellation, but I’ve seen the benefit of crossing boundaries.

But I’m exhausted by the entire process.

And it’s time to move on. What am I working on?

First, rather than make myself into a demon of destruction, to others and myself, I want to focus on what I’ve learned over the years. I know that I am triggered by certain things: people who support transgenderism, those who are anti-Israel and/or pro-Hamas; on a personal level, I cringe when I see people who are uninformed making poor decisions or refusing to take responsibility. You get the picture.

But I’ve learned that my being triggered doesn’t give me license to behave badly. I’m finally learning how to notice when I’m triggered, and so I pause and take a breath. That is now a decision point for me to ask a basic question: is that any of my business? If the person is important enough to me, am I willing to hurt the relationship because I think my own opinion is superior? Even worse, am I willing to lose the relationship forever?

I’ve also garnered some life-enhancing lessons: that more than ever, relationships are important and precious. That I don’t have to win an argument to prove some kind of unimportant (at least to the other person) point.

My plan also includes letting go of those past transgressions. I can’t change the past. I honestly believe those relationships are beyond redemption. And I will focus on the blessed relationships that I’ve had over many years, people who love, support and encourage me, and accept me, warts and all. I will remind them how much I appreciate their love in my life. I will celebrate that I can, and do, build durable relationships.

If I begin to indulge in the past, I will note it as quickly as I can, and make a point to let it go. It will take practice, but I'm ready for the challenge.

And for the relationships I have, if I am triggered, I pray that I will pause and remember how blessed I am.

Those relationships are too important to squander, and I will remind myself every day that I won’t take them for granted.