Memo: Top IRGC General

Dear Sir,

I apologize for not knowing your name or official rank, but, hey, there has been a lot of turnover in your job recently, and probably most people don’t know who you are.

I write to extend my sympathies. As I see it, you have the worst job in the world. I assume it pays well, but whatever it pays, it is not enough. Because of the ceasefire, your life expectancy is no longer measured in hours, but even if the ceasefire holds — a big if — your job still sucks.

First, your number one task is to be a ruthless [redacted] to your fellow countrymen and women. People under your command arrest, detain, question, torture, and kill patriotic citizens of Iran. Your second main task is to carry out the orders of your Supreme Leader, who happens to be looney-tunes.

I assume you are not stupid, so I assume you are aware that the last 56 years of oppression, torture, death, and wasted billions have been in support of a delusional holy quest that never stood a realistic chance of success; and even if it was successful, the result would have been the horrific death of millions of Iranians (including you), and would make portions of your country uninhabitable for many years. Yes, Iran would go out in a literal blaze of glory, killing millions of Jews in the process, but Iran would still be obliterated. (You guys do know about Israel’s nukes, don’t you?)

Egypt, Syria, and Jordan also used to dream about the glory of wiping Israel off the map, but multiple military defeats persuaded them to move on. Here is the thing: as bad as those past Arab defeats were (and they were very, very, bad), the Persian defeat of the last two weeks was worse. Dude, Israel didn’t lose a single manned aircraft. Not one. Iranian missiles inflicted zero military damage on Israel. Any military target in Iran that was not destroyed survived solely because Israel thought it wasn’t important enough.

Here is the new reality. Due to decade after decade of technical superiority, Israel now owns you. You are defenseless against their strikes, and your strikes are ineffective. If the Mossad learns of a single working centrifuge, it will be destroyed within hours. You see, they have “stealth,” and you don’t. They can sneak up on you, and you can’t sneak up on them. That basic fact is not going to change, no matter how much you “rebuild.”

This is also not going to change: your Arab allies don’t like you. They are glad you are nukeless. They don’t mind if Israel continues to destroy your centrifuges. The Russians and Chinese also don’t like you and are glad you are nukeless. Remember how I mentioned that your Supreme Leader is looney-tunes? No one likes countries ruled by crazy people. Your sole allies are the Palestinians, and they are not life preservers. They are anchors.

Which brings us to you. Are you crazy? You were not selected at random for this job; therefore, I assume you have displayed craziness in the past. But, I repeat, things have changed. Only your looney-tunes Supreme Leader thinks things are the same.

As of now, you are destined to die a violent death and be mourned by no one. I have an alternate future on offer for you. Instead of an early unmarked grave, how about spending a long future as a beloved national hero, complete with monuments in your honor in dozens of town squares? It’s easy. All you have to do is place your Supreme Leader in a locked room and declare that the IRGC and the army are going to confine their activities to protecting Iran from foreign invaders. The IRGC and the army will immediately cease policing Iranian citizens and will immediately cease trying to take offensive actions against any foreign country. Oh, two more things. One, turn your uranium over to the U.N. Inspectors, and two, release political prisoners under your control.

That’s enough. You don’t have to become President-for-Life. Just be General Hands-Off-Politics-For-Life. It’s easy.

Think about it.

Sincerely,

G-Pub

P.S. Half of the senior officers beneath you are thinking about how they can end up on monuments in town squares. The clock is ticking.