When I Surprised Myself

Once a month I facilitate a small group of Jewish women to discuss essays by Jonathan Sacks which focus on Torah. Recently a small group of them felt it was time to make a change in the format, and asked by email if we could discuss a new direction. Since the group has been great to work with, I consented; afterward I remembered that we had tried in the past to have a broader scope for the group (discussing Israel, Israel’s innovations, fashion from Israel; the Dead Sea Scrolls was a closer match). It didn’t fulfill my goals.

Anyway, the day before the meeting I took a deep breath and called the woman who had written me on behalf of the four or so people (out of eight). I was very nervous, and I realized that I love Israel, but my original desire had been to focus on growing in my understanding of Torah with the participation of others. When I made the call, she confirmed that they wanted to “branch out.” Without consciously realizing it, I knew I wanted to feel G-d’s presence so that I could respond to her request in the most genuine, helpful way. So I found myself saying that I thought I understood their request. But I wasn’t sure it was going to meet my original goal in forming the group. I felt strongly about faith and Torah being the center of our discussions. I also wanted her to know that I would be fine, and I meant this in the sincerest way, if the group wanted to form a different group to have the other types of discussions.

There was a long silence.

She said that she really didn’t want a confrontation, and I assured her that neither did I. And I didn’t think there needed to be a confrontation. I loved the people in the group and I wanted to keep working with them.

Inside my heart, I asked myself how I was speaking so productively and calmly. At other times I would have become defensive and critical. But there I was, being reasonable. (Of course, I knew this particular woman was unlikely to get upset with me.)

So I said that I thought we could still discuss the topic at our meeting, and suggested that I send out an email in advance so that no one would be caught off guard. (Also, half the group hadn't even discussed the possibility of a change.) I knew they would see the email because I had forgotten to send out the Zoom link.

Here is what I wrote to them:

Hi everyone,

I'm writing for a few reasons. First, I'm so sorry to hear that some of you are sick, and I hope you have a rapid recovery. Second, I haven't sent the zoom link for tomorrow, which I'll include here. Also, I spoke to E. this morning regarding the interest of some of you to explore expanding the scope of our meetings. I wanted to be clear on the direction you were suggesting.

I think it's important for me to revisit my purpose in forming this group, and I've spent the last few days thinking about it. My goal was to have a group that had discussions that would bring us closer to our faith, that had a spiritual bent. I think, for the most part, we've accomplished that goal. I know that I personally have been very rewarded by the process.

It sounds like at least some of you want to broaden that scope. I'm not sure that would be congruent with the goals I originally set. I'm willing to hear your thoughts (for those of you up to attending), so we'll see where that goes. I also want to say that if you decide to form a new or different group, you are welcome to do so; I wouldn't, however, be participating.

I don't in any way want to sound confrontational! I treasure our time together. Also, if there is someone else you'd like us to study and discuss, I'm open to that option.

So I will see you tomorrow, hopefully. Warmest, Susan

During the meeting, we had a heartfelt discussion, talked about some possible ideas, and didn’t rush into a decision. Instead, we agreed to focus on the topics we’d identified over the next few months, and see where that leads us. A few of them volunteered that I hadn’t sounded confrontational at all!

What surprised me about the discussion? That instead of being anxious, I was calm and engaged. I didn’t debate ideas mentioned but kept track of them. They came up with some great topics that were faith- and Torah-based, showing their respect for my goals and a desire to keep working with me. And since we have an hour each month, we can probably still discuss a new Rabbi Sacks essay for now and look at the future agenda during the next few meetings.

I feel like I didn’t do this alone. I was so incredibly grateful to remain calm and enthusiastic. What a blessing!